on my mind..

I have a lot on my mind tonight.

One thing I’d like to write about is my take on weight lifting. I absolutely love it. It is definitely one of my new obsessions. Ever since hornet power with them mennnn, I have become ridiculously infatuated with it. It’s just so amazing. Not only does it make you forget so many things because you’re so focused, but you get results, you feel better about yourself, you get strong, and you just get that high. I honestly miss weight training with the boys. It was so much different, much harder, and the views weren’t that bad either ;) Plus, they pushed me in ways girls don’t push me, and they don’t even know that they did it. When I was in the boys hornet power, I was constantly trying to prove to them that I was worthy of being in there. They never asked for that, I just wanted to do it on my own. I didn’t want them to say, “Yeah Stephanie Woodbury was in this class and she didn’t do jack.” I wanted them to say, “Yeah Stephanie Woodbury was in this class and she friggin’ kicked ass.” I wasn’t looking so much as to impress them, just to make sure they knew I wasn’t in there to screw around. Now I’m in the Girls hornet power and it’s basically a slack off class. The nice thing about that class is that I can actually win things. In a class of all boys, it’s near impossible to beat them in any athletic event. With all girls, I have a bit more of an advantage after being in the boys hornet power and being an athlete, myself. Now I promise you I definitely don’t win everything, or a lot. I win enough to feel good and to feel that I’m pushing myself and making the best out of any athletic ability I might have. The bad thing about girls, they whine and cry and moan and take everything way to seriously. Like, worse than the guys. When we played games in the boys hornet power, it was quite competitive. I think the boys probably took it easy on us a little bit but it was still quite competitive. It was intense, and fast paced, and organized. With girls, it’s a free-for-all. Everyone is all over everyone, it’s so competitive it’s like we’re out there just to wreck everyone else’s ****. I just miss the boys :(

Something else on my mind is my parents. I just … don’t understand them. I don’t really know what to write ‘cause I’m not going to pour my heart and soul out on the internet, especially about extremely personal matters such as this one. But I can’t help but wonder what goes on in their minds and why they do the things they do. They don’t set the greatest examples, though I believe my sister and I have turned out wonderfully, not being cocky or anything. But I think a lot of that is because we’ve learned from their mistakes rather than them teaching us not to.

And lastly, you gotta know this is coming. I have no clue with what to do right now. I know if I discuss it, I could change my mind. So I really don’t want to talk about it to David yet. I don’t want his opinion to affect my decision. But now that I can talk to him, I want to talk to him all the time. I want to call him every night, not to talk about anything in particular though. I really don’t want to know how his day went or what he’s been up to. I don’t want him any more inside my head than he already is, because if the choice is to move on, I’m not going to redevelop what I’ve already tried to accept and forget about. At the same time, I want what we had back. It’s so hard ‘cause little things still remind me of him. The stars at night, basketball, a song on the radio that I sent lyrics to him for. But then things come on that remind me of what he did, of how it hurt, of how I’m half over it. Okay, so half is obviously pushing it but you catch my drift. Things like songs that come on that I would blare that would help me to move on, letters I wrote when we first broke up that had every last drop of ink of hatred scribbled on the paper, reminders of what I’m allowed to do now such as dress myself or talk to a guy … okay innocently flirt with a guy. I don’t know what I want. I’ve partially picked up and left some stuff behind. It’ll be hard to get that back and I have also learned that it’s more convenient right now to not be together, to just be on our own and do our own thing. Plus I know that if we get back together, we can’t just pick up right where we left off. But I want what we had back. I miss having someone there for me, someone I get to be there for, someone … just someone. I miss the little love things and the time we spend together and the things we do. I asked Ashley Smith today for her opinon on the matter and first she asked me what I was thinking. I told her a small, summarized version and she responded simply with, “If you end up going back, you need to first make sure that he understands that he’s starting all over. And make sure that he knows he has to build everything up again and that he’s in it for real, not just to try it. That he’s actually serious and willing and wants it just as bad as you do.” Not those exact words, but something along those lines. I never even considered that.

I’m lost.
Help.
Maybe not.
I’m just venting.