in a perfect world.

So tonight was interesting enough, yeah?

I don’t even know what to vent about anymore. I don’t know what to say about stuff, what to think. The first Monday after it happened, we had small group and one of the girls said to me, “Wow, you’re doing really well for it being two years. I would still be an absolute mess.” But the thing is, I’m not doing well. I’m not composed, I’m not put together, I have no clue what is going on inside my head, my heart, my body. I am completely lost and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t like dressing up, I don’t like going out, I don’t like sitting at home, I don’t like watching movies, listening to the radio, anything that reminds me of him. The stars, a show, a lyric to a song, a color, a car, a game; they all have to do with him. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I’ve changed so much … he’s told me that. I don’t need him to tell me that, I already know that. What was I supposed to do, stay the same? Act like nothing happened?

And it doesn’t stop.