the beginning of the new beginning

Corny much? I thought so myself.

But anyways..

I leave for orientation tomorrow. I'm spending the night up at Gram's :P then she'll take me in on Tuesday morning bright and early. Oh joy.
I'm extremely nervous, mainly because I've only found about six or seven kids who are going at the time of mine... I'm guessing because it's right before fourth of July but I figured it would still fill up. Ah well. It'll be easier to get to know people I suppose : )
The first day is all placement tests. This is the day I'm most nervous about which I suppose is good since it's the first day, and once those are out of the way, it's smooth sailing from there. I took the math placement the other day and realized that I never really did well in math ever and need to just cut that out of my life, which would be somewhat difficult considering I'm a waitress, considering I put gas into my car, considering ... you get the point. But I still wish I could cut out the unnecessary math courses I'm going to be taking the next few years....

I'm still nervous about meeting people too. I've grown up in the same small town my entire life, I've never really met anyone new unless someone introduces us, and I already know no one so that's going to be pretty hard to be introduced by no one. I'll just suck it up though.

I really don't know the purpose of this blog. So I'm going to stop writing. I suppose I just felt like blogging and had no topic to blog about....


Okay I'm stopping.
Now.

away with the summer days..

Today I somewhat ventured back in time to reunite with old ties, memories, and friends. Somerset Beach Campground is a place I grew up and found myself throughout my high school years. It taught me a lot about important situations and especially, a lot about God.
Throughout my years at Somerset, I shared some very fond memories with wonderful people who have since grown and left us to do as they did for us.

-crud wars.. this includes fistfulls of birdseed shoved down to the depths of my ear drum.
-the swim tests to be a "dolphin" or a "shark."
-the paddleboat trips to Fred♥ : ).
-any time we were in the gazebo.
-fingernail painting at cross hill.
-the peeing of the pants during night hikes ; ).
-the infamous tree.
-commando ... before purpling : (.
-stiffarms by blake davis.
-ex boyfriends invasion of privacy.
-<><. : ).
-grammy//oscar nights.
-the luau I never knew about.
-praise band.
-massive games of capture the flag at 9 pm ... before purpling.
-"Blake Davis, straight up and down," translated to "Blake Davis, Red Oak 5."
-tubing. : )
-ridiculous amounts of pictures.
-fast breaks to freddy's. : )
-praying mantis. : )
-creating a wannabe igloo on the frozen lake.


There's many more where that came from : )

Camp just wasn't the same at all, and I wasn't even there this week. It's interesting how much changes.

oops.

I forgot one that I missed from a few days ago or whatev.

• I miss "baby."

absence makes the heart grow fonder ♥

It's true, I can vow for that in several many ways. So I'm going to : )

I miss ... as follows ... in no particular order : )

• big wheels.
• cruise vacations.
• watching you play basketball.
• days at the ice cream shop with the heartbreaker and the bitch.
• camping in a pop up trailer.
• IYC times.
• day camps.
• tennis.
• peanut night at rayyys' : )
• going to the zoo.
• all day lake excursions : )
• painted fingernails.
• sleepover parties.
• pinatas.
• barbie dolls :DD
• cassette players. they never got ruined.
• olivia and zoe ♥♥
• cross country season.
• footie pajamas : )
• naps.
• snack times during school.
• RECESS!
• when my mother used to pack my lunches.
• michigan hockey games by the band.
• friday night football games.

values.

Values. Morals. Ethic. Honor. Regard. Respect.

A value is defined as


val·ue

/ˈvælyu/ [val-yoo] noun, verb, -ued, -u·ing.
–noun
1.
relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess.


I have high values, high standards, high morals. I don't lower them, I don't change them, they always stay the same. I want to do something with my life; I don't plan on wasting it away doing things that aren't worth, well, anything. I also value my time, I don't waste time unless I'm getting around for the day which can take anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour. But that's besides the point.
I try to hang around people who have the same morals and ethics as me. I don't want to surround myself with people who will try to change me, or persuade me to fall short of what I expect of myself. I want to be associated with people who are a good influence, who also have values, and who push me to be all that I can be so that in turn, I can do the same for them. I don't want friends who don't care, friends who push me aside, friends who don't have goals or aspirations. I want friends with drive, with goals, with feelings.
This is why I feel how I do on the subject that has been brought up. I don't want to be fantastic bff's with someone who partakes in these actions simply because I believe it shows their inabilities and their weaknesses. Is it so difficult as to resist until the legal age? Is it completely necessary to consume beverage to have a good time, to relax, or be depressed? It is a depressant so people who want to have fun with it just end up feeling bad eventually anyways. You have to have a backbone, you have to be able to stand up for yourself. Especially if I'm looking for someone to be more than friends.
When it comes to you on this subject, that's how I see it. You used to have the same exact values and goals as I did. You wanted to go to college, you wanted to get a good job and start a family and love someone with all of your heart. You didn't want to drink or smoke or do things illegally. You had your morals. And since then, that has changed. You let your guard down, you allowed someone else to change the very way your clock ticked. You felt that same way before I met you, I never convinced you to think otherwise. If anything, you instilled in me those values to be even more powerful and important to me. But then, you fell short. I continue to ignore the fact that you don't feel the same as I do on these subjects. I remember that feeling I got around you, how you felt around me, how crazy we were about each other.
Now that you have changed your ways, I don't know that I can continue to forget about these things. I'm not asking you to change again, because I know you're too stubborn to do so. I guess, I don't know. I suppose I am asking you to change, but I want you to do it on your own. I don't want to be the one to do it for you.
I already know that won't happen though.

a wave of ... all of the above?

Hmm. Tonight has been interesting so I'm feeling some self therapy right now.

Let's bring up old posts and copycat them a little.



Things I've come to love about myself include ...
[♥]my independence.
[♥]my determination.
[♥]my friendliness.
[♥]my legs : ).
[♥]my minute, yet growing artisitic ability :P.
[♥]that I am goal oriented.
[♥]my friends : ).
[♥]my family, for the most part.
[♥]that I can write.
[♥]that I will stick up for myself.
[♥]that I'm open to new things and learning.
[♥]that I lovvvve music.
[♥]my drive.
[♥]my optomisim

Though I'm not a fan of...
[x]my perfectionist side.
[x]my outlook on love.
[x]my outlook on marriage.
[x]my unwillingness to comprimise.
[x]being stubborn.
[x]my inability to project my feelings.
[x]that I can't sing : (.
[x]that I don't have mad guitar hero or ddr skills.
[x]that I was never aggressive enough in soccer.
[x]that I have to grow up.




I think this is the end.
Unfortunately.
It was good,
while it lasted.

close friends & kayaks : )

A small dose of bff's often does the trick.

Warning: Trips to the upperly northern part of the lower peninsula can cause abrupt and sudden cause of ridiculous behavior and photographs. Along with some pretty trippy conversations and memories never to be forgotten. : )


Some randoms from this weekend...

• kayaking @ 11 pm. approximately.
• "who's it from?" (referring to txt msgs).
• love&basketball.
• running. okkay, hk, mack, and aud's running. my sleeping in.
• blowing fuses in the loft.
• washing dishes.
• being "hood."
• shopping when the weather wouldn't cooperate : (.
• kayaking some more.
• tugging hk & mack back to the dock. behind kayaks.
• late night storytelling.
• bathroom reads.
• ice cream. x2.
• wendy's : )
• audrey's ridiculous consumption of junk food!!! (okkay ... she indulged on two s'mores PLUS some roasted marshmallows!).
• mack's obsession with h2o bottles.
• dance parties.
• euchre!!!.
• card games in general.

I have some of the best friends ever. Even if they are freshman, my bad, sophomores. Even if they run mile after mile. Even if they stay here while I venture to UMich. Even if we don't have the full effect of a dance party. Even if one can run with the boys. Okay, two. Nope, three. Even if it's 49 degrees out and we're wondering around in shorts, flip flops, and rainnn.

I love MASH.

Mackenzie (Model).
Audrey (Accelerator).
Stephanie (Storyteller).
Hilary (Hottie).

♥♥

& I want to be known for my hits not just my misses...

I have officially been graduated from high school eight days ago today : )
Whooooooo.
I have yet to cry, yet to regret, yet to wish I was back. I don't want to return or relive my high school memories. I don't want to dwell on the past.

My little sister is going to be a junior in high school; she's gone through a lot in the ten years of schooling that she's had. Everyone has their ups and downs, but my mom has always told us to move on from the bad and remember the good. She talks about how we should be remembered for being a good, friendly, kind person, not by how popular, or cute, or flirtacious we were. I have found this to be one of the most important things to learn in high school. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who had the most boyfriends, or the girl who had the ridiculously large closet and never wore the same outfit twice. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who had the best weed or biggest parties; not as the one with the coolest car or the largest collection of purses. I especially don't want to be known as a fake, flakey, shady person.
I do want to be remembered as the girl who was approachable, someone you could count on and trust. I want to be remembered as the girl who wasn't stuck up, who talked to everyone, who was loyal. Someone who didn't lie or cheat or steal, someone who was polite, bubbly, and always said hi. I want people to think of me as a friend, someone who cared genuinely and openly and was willing to listen to anyone who was willing to talk.

Material things in life aren't important, they dissappear in an instant and don't last long enough. Friendship, loyalty, trust, these can all be carried out throughout one's lifetime. You don't need to purchase trust these days, though sometimes, friendship is bought out (which is sad).

Most importantly, hold your head high. Be yourself, don't fall short. Don't be a role model because you can get into the VIP parties or your dad has sweet car or celeb hook ups like those brats on that 16th birthday show. Be remembered for being you, all of you, and nothing less : )

2 cool 2 do drugs & alcohol

I remember that little bee-looking-bug-thing that used to visit our kindergarten classes, sharing the harmful effects of drugs and alcohol. I remember learning the sweet saying, "Too cool to use drugs and alcohol" along with the super cool hand motions. I remember seeing the pills called ectasy that looked like candy and learning that drinking and driving was a big no.
Funny how almost no one else recalls these visits, probably because they've fried their brains on the uses of drugs and alcohol.

What I really don't understand that goes on in the minds of someone intoxicated is why they choose to pick up their keys. I've heard different reasons... they're sober enough to drive, they are a good drunk driver, it's fun ... those are all gay. and a half. What people don't understand is they're opening the doors for harm to occur to other people.
I know a girl who was simply driving her friend home on a Sunday afternoon when she got into a horrible car accident. At a two-way stop intersection, a drunk person neglected the stop sign and crashed into her side of the car. She almost died. And he walked away ... more of stumbled ... after resisting arrest. Now what is "fun" about the possibility of manslaughter or jail time?

I work at a bar and all the time, I watch people who are too inebriated to drive pull their keys out of their pockets, down the rest of their beer, and then walk across the bar as if there's nothing wrong.





I got distracted. And now I can't remember my thought process behind all of this.
So I'm done : )

oldies but goodies : )

10 years ago I ...

1. was eight years old.
2. used to fight over who sat next to a specific girl at lunch time.
3. sat on my sandwiches with adri mae.
4. had a teddy bear border that decorated my wall.
5. wore massively huge glasses that covered the majority of my face. we're taking wayy past jackie o's most humongous glasses everrrr.

5 years ago I ...

1. was thirteen years old.
2. had my first ever boyfriend.
3. didn't know who I was.
4. experienced my first ever classmate death.
5. was still wearing those lovely glasses, not so big though.

1 year ago I ...

1. was seventeen years old.
2. was madly in love.
3. had the same curfew I do now ( I don't want to talk about it, really ).
4. couldn't stand high school.
5. was itching to graduate.

Yesterday ...

1. babysat for my cousins.
2. killed the beginning of a bee's nest (whooo!).
3. got a lovely sunburn.
4. went out with my parents for the second night in a row.
5. really wanted to see What Happens in Vegas : (

5 snacks I like ...

1. peach/strawberry/banana smoothies : ) : )
2. my little pony fruit snacks :DD neeeeeigh.
3. bagels w/ cream cheese.
4. cannnndy. :DD
5. pretzels

5 songs I know all the words to ...

1. "cyclone" baby bash.
2. "broken" lifehouse.
3. anything by chris daughtry.
4. "i will follow you into the dark" death cab for cutie.
5. "boston" augustana.

If I had a million dollars ...

1. I would invest it and live off of the interest.
2. sadly, go on a massive shopping spree :DD but not just for me, for my friends and family too : )
3. buy a house in Italy.
4. book 4 or 5 cruise vacations, yeeeeeah. : )
5. give to a charity or seven : )

5 things I would never wear ...

1. a water bra.
2. fake nails.
3. a bonnet.
4. a see through top.
5. leather pants ... exception: halloween costumes.

Favorite tv shows ...

1. the hills ... yeah i know.
2. quarterlife.
3. ace of cakes. that show rocks my socks off.
4. live with regis and kelley. when i get up early enough.
5. heroes.

5 biggest joys ...

1. Running.
2. summer <33.
3. reading a fantastic book.
4. olivia ann and zoe ellen mccomas : )
5. graduating high school!! :DD.

now check out the one I did ... two or three years ago I believe?

10 years ago:
1. I was an little six year old(:
2. I had my first crush<33.>

5 years ago:
1. I still wore glasses :P
2. I was eleven
3. I played basketball with the boys :D
4. I was just getting into soccer (whooooa)
5. I was fiiiiinally starting to learn boys didn’t have kooties ;-)

1 year ago:
1. I was a stinky freshman :P
2. Zoe was born(:
3. I had my longest relationship … only relationship :P
4. I was with Sarah Ann Sessions evvvery Saturday night :P (oh boy)
5.

Yesterday:
1. I had the flu
2. all I had to eat was chicken noodle soup … and that was about two bites
3. I fell asleep to napoleon Dynamite
4. I slept most of the day
5. I was out of school :D

5 snacks I like:
1. Pizza rolls
2. toast with peanut butter(:
3. milk :P
4. yogurt (what can I say, I can be a health nut :P)
5. cannnnndy (I never said all the time)

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. Anything by the Goo Goo Dolls
2. Anything by Jimmy Buffet
3. Anything by Hootie and the Blowfish
4. “Against All Odds” –Death Cab/Postal Service
5. “Miss you More”

If I had a million dollars I would:
1. Give a bunch to my friends
2. Travel the world
3. Shop in New York
4. Help out those in need(:
5. Save for college/retirement :P

5 things I would never wear:
1. fishnets
2. Christina Agulaira Hoop earrings :S
3. those tie tops … they’re too … common
4. glasses … for the heck of it
5. too tight/too short/too small clothes

Favorite TV shows:
1. That 70’s Show
2. Desperate Housewives!!
3. America’s Next Top Model(:
4. Las Vegas
5. Oprah … I dunno I don’t watch much tv

5 biggest joys:
1. no lunch line!!
2. summer… siiiiiigh
3. ha sarah ann :P
4. being naked ;-)
5. falling asleep

So there you have it folks; form your own opinions : )

radio songs:::
[chicago-hard to say]

Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
from each other.
Even lovers need a holiday
far away from each other.

Hold me now
its hard for me to say Im sorry
I just want you to stay.
After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you.
I promise to.
And after all thats been said and done,
Youre just the part of me I cant let go.

Couldnt stand to be kept away
just for the day
from your body.
Wouldnt wanna be swept away,
far away
from the one that I love.

Hold me now.
its hard for me to say Im sorry.
I just want you to know.
Hold me now.
I really want to tell you Im sorry.
I could never let you go.

After all that weve been through,
I will make it up to you.
I promise to.
And after all thats been said and done,
Youre just the part of me I cant let go.
After all that weve been through,
I will make it up to you.
I promise to.

Youre gonna be the lucky one.

randoms.

I love these posts : )

• I drink, on average, two bottles of water a day. At least. Staying hydrated is quite high on my priority list. Cross country is to blame for that one. I used to drink almost three a day during cross season. My mother never understood why I couldn't just refill a water bottle; it's more dishes to wash in my opinion.
• I'm not real big on jewelery. It used to be a widely used accessory of mine. But recently, I have taken to shoes and purses. Okay, so recently is a lie, but whatev.
• My handwriting is much better in pen than it is pencil. Enough said, it just is.
• My favorite type of cyclone is peanut butter cup and cookie dough with chocolate ice cream. I also like butterfinger with peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Or on occasion, I'll take to blue raspberry freezies or mint chocolate chip shakes. A smoothie always hits the spot though :D Banana, strawberry and peaches ... get ittttt.
• I was never really a great guitar hero player. Or DDR. And I have yet to play rock band, but I'm thinking that's probably a good thing.
• I'm not much of a picture person anymore. I used to be camera crrrrazy, a picture whore. But I guess I grew out of it. Plus my camera is quite a piece. But I just ordered a new one : ) I'm sure that will change.
• Naked is not a bad thing. Perhaps I shouldn't be projecting this over the internet, but it is true. If Eve had not picked that stupid apple 'cause that devilish snake tempted her, we could alllllll be naked right now and it would not be bad. How fabulous?! We'd have that much more money to spend on vacations since we don't have to buy clothes : )

I think I'm done with randoms. I may be posting two posts tonight. We'll see. There is one I started writing a few days ago and I haven't exactly mustered up the courage to finish it, or even post it. One of these days...

that little gray area, yeah, that's me.

My outlook on life is a bit different than other's. Many people see black and white, yes or no, no maybe's, ifs, ands, or buts. My problem is exactly that; that's all I see are those ifs, ands, and buts (and other forms of butts too ; ) ). I am all about that gray area. And it tends to get me into trouble most days.



I guess something I'm going to talk about is what is going on in my head right now. This is completely directed towards you and I will not bring any of this up until you bring it to my attention. As we've both stated before, whenever we talk, we lose our train of thought. We dont remember what we were planning on saying because we lose focus and get distracted. So I'm going to put it all out on here.





Welcome to my life, everyone 'cause you just got to step in on what is a pretty hefty portion of it.














I was crazy, head over heels, madly, deeply, ridiculously, would die for you, in love for two years straight. Okay, yes we are counting those first few months when you muttered those three words and I sat ... for nine months ... and hoped it would come along. And it did, and it was beautiful and I loved every second of it. I had never felt so on top of the world that next year and three months. Even though you were away at school, it was amazing. We had our ups and downs but we always got over them. I was never worried because I thought we would never break up, regardless of any situation.

Wrong.

So that hit like a ton of bricks. I had never felt so powerless, so helpless. I realized how much I did take for granted and vowed that I wouldn't be walked on again. Those weeks were some of the most difficult weeks to roll out of bed and care about what was going on around me. Whatever, I picked myself up, I moved on, to a certain extent. I had overcome my fears and realized that this was how it was to be, only to be hit once again with your return. You'd made a mistake, you'd never really wanted that, you wanted us. So I had to find a way to dig deeper and past all of the bitterness and be open to you again.

That still wasn't good enough.



Since then, you've returned home. There used to be those few moments where for just a fleeting second or two, things had returned to what used to be "normal." I was in your arms, or you said just the right thing to remind me of our two years together. We diminished to "just friends" which I took as another break up. I didn't like not having control; in the past when you had control, I was forced to sit back and watch. I couldn't change your mind and I didn't want it to come down to that; I didn't want to lose you, and having you take things into your hand and once again, degrading us to "friends" was allowing you to do just that.

But that was not the end.

Next, it came down to us, or nothing. I guess I chose nothing?




You were such an important influence in my life.






That was from a few days ago. So now I'm just going to kind of wrap it up and comment on how I feel.

I suppose this is for the better. It does make sense, I suppose I just didn't want a set outcome. I wanted things to just be up in the air, 'cause really, I'm game for anything. I think setting a more pessimistic goal is going to do nothing but cause us to not be as good as friends.
Perhaps I'll be proven wrong.


Second post of the night... though it's about three or four days old in all honesty.
Whatev.

farewell class of 'o8.

I, on a regular basis, am not much of a "crier." Shedding tears, like other teenage girls, is not a routine habit of mine; I simply go running instead. So today when a girl started crying at an open house, I didn't even blink. I didn't go for a run either, but graduation just didn't cause a ruckus with my emotions quite like it did other people. Perhaps it's because I'm so eager and willing to get out of this town that I don't think twice about leaving some behind. I don't plan on leaving everyone, I've just learned who is worth keeping around, and who isn't.

With that being said, I do feel an obligation to talk about my past twelve years of schooling, what it has taught me, and the people who have weaved their friendships, hostilities, and memories in and out of my path to college.

I remember different things about my youthful years, though I still consider my youthful years to be now, I'm talking about those preschool/kindergarten days. The half days where you didn't eat lunch unless your mother worked and couldn't get out to pick you up from school, the days when riding Dial-A-Ride was the "hip" thing to do. Those days where you wore those ridiculous bows in your hair that perfectly matched the crazy printed turtleneck your mother had "helped" you pick out that morning for school, along with the shoes and ruffled socks that matched. I remember when we sat on samples of carpets during reading time, I remember when there was a reading time. I remember when there were two recesses every day, and it was only a half day. Learning colors, shapes, letters, numbers, counting to 67 was a big feat. As we grew up, we became more aware of ourselves, of our peers, of the world around us. We developed a sense of protection of our friends, our feelings; we learned to take responsibility of our actions and defend ourselves when accused wrongly. We stood in "cold lunch" and "hot lunch" lines and talked about the days of the week, used counting cubes, and had a number line that stretched around the ceiling of the entire room, reminding us of how many days we had been in school already and how many more we had left. Cursive writing was a milestone during first and second grade, along with they fad of muttering "Bloody Mary" fifteen times in the bathroom during a break and running out with our hands covering our eyes, fearing we might see the crazy ghost. There were days of storywriting and telling, copycats, and dear friends moving away. We acted in plays, participated in cantatas, and holiday programs.
Through middle school we got a taste of high school; switching classes with a bell schedule, multiple lunches, and more strict homework assignments and rules. We dealt with the awkward stage our lives, where no one was really "all that," though we acted otherwise. We tested friendships, teachers, and our parents to the full extent. Middle school sometimes taught us the wrong as well; our placement in the foodchain of cliques and social standings, the immature way to deal with situations, and the constant desire and need for attention. On a happier note, middle school also introduced us to the world of school athletics and the meaning of the word "team."
High school tested that defintion; it brought out the best of us, and the worst of us. High school opened our minds to the harsh reality that Mommy and Daddy can't defend you 24/7, that homework should not be procrastinated, and that school lunch was, is, and always will be the worst decision you could make. High school tested our confidence, trust, and loyalty towards one another. It also distinguished the "real" from the "fake," and concluded the final steps of the chapter of our life when we can fully, and for the last time, depend on someone else.

Now, we step forth into the unknown, creating paths of our own and doing it with guidance, though we are too arrogant to listen in many cases. We're stepping out of the box, closing the lid, and moving on to bigger and better destinations. We're seeking out the true meaning of life, the ups and downs of the rollercoaster we ride every day, the very reason we wake up in the morning. We will stumble, falter, and sometimes fail at our tasks, but this will not discourage us. We are the future and we pride ourselves in the expectations we must fulfill. College will test our discipline, our responsibility, our character, and our trust. It will bring out the best and the worst, just as high school, but to an extreme. Our errors won't go unnoticed, and our accomplishments will stand out more than ever.

In all honesty, somedays I do wish that I didn't graduate from Hillsdale High (calling it that reminds me of the 90's television shows ... it makes HHS sound almost human). I am thankful that I grew up in a safe and secure town with a school that opens its doors to outsiders but protects us from potential threats. Counter to that, safe is rare to come by nowadays and isn't always realistic. But this is typical at high schools across the nation: the dislike of the everday ritual that occurs repeatedly in one's life.
Other times, I'm proud and content with graduating with the kids in my class of 2008. Without them, I would not be who I am today; without them, I would never have learned and expanded my knowledge to the depths it has continuously been pushed. I've known my classmates since middle school.

As we go our separate ways, there will be a void, though I don't want to admit it. I will miss the catty gossip and the lunchtime havoc.




I seem to have lost my train of thought. Perhaps I'll finish another time, though hopefully in a more focused manner. I tend to run myself off topic. My writing reflects my thought process, random, and easily distracting.

:) :

[smiles to...]

• artesian wells bbq wings.
• the constantly rising temperature.
• card game nights.
• seniors only bonfires.
• being sober.
• windows down, music blaring.
• sleeping innnnn.
• the start of summer.
• GRADUATION!!
• magazines.
• tank tops.
• beach reads.

[frowns to...]

• soco spiked drinks in gatorade bottles.
• busch light being shoved in your face.
• early curfews.
• bad poker hands.
• "just" friends.
• effing lumen.
• open house overloads.
• late nights, early mornings.