I’ve come to know myself a bit better the past month or so. Like, really figured out what floats my boat and what doesn’t. One of the biggest things is definitely music. I never really realized how important music is in my life. It can totally change my mood. And I’m one of those people who just belts it out in their car, regardless if the windows are down or a car full of hot guys beside me. I love to crank my music to the loudest it will go and sing at the top of my lungs … this also includes using the steering wheel as a drum set and closing my eyes to hit the high note.
I’ve also learned that I care deeply about my friends and their opinions. If I ever have a problem, they are always the first I go to. And they’re always so willing to listen. I’m so lucky to have all of them. They are seriously the best, and truest friends I could ever ask for. I’m so thankful that this year, I took the time to really bond with them and hang out with them. We’ve all become so close :)
I’ve also learned just what it is that makes my clock tick. How I deal with stress, worries, emotions, happiness, the whole deal. I’m back to running which is the first thing I do whenever I get a rush of emotion. If I’m crazy excited, I go run. If I’m super stressed out, I go run. Every time my shoes hit that pavement, all the emotions are channeled right down to the ground. I run to release that energy. Yeah it sounds cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth. I run for that high afterwards. I run to ease the stress, the pain, the weakness. I run to be a better person.
I know now just how strong I am. In the beginning, I felt like I made myself believe I was stronger than I was. When I was with David, I remember getting into fights a few times and thinking to myself, “If we were to break up over this, I would be okay.” Boy, was I wrong. I was really frusterated when we first broke up because I realized that I wasn’t as strong as I put myself out there to be; but then Natalie from small group said something to me 6 days after all that went down. She looked at me and genuinely said that I was amazing for dealing with it how I was for it being two years; that I was so strong and doing so well. And then I believed it. And from then on, I never felt that way again. When it was still really sore, I remember crying and struggling with it and thinking wow, I’m so weak. I can’t do this. How can he be so strong? But then it got to the point to where I was so frustrated and so confused that I realized I had to step up and be stronger and say what the heck is going on. So I did, and for a brief moment, he was the strongest. He stuck to his guns and wouldn’t back down. And once that happened, it was over; I knew from then on I would be the stronger one. And I am. I know it. And damn it feels good :)

On a different note..
I’ve been thinking a lot about college lately. A lot. And I’m really beginning to get scared. I know I continue to talk about David a lot but he was a major influence in my life, as I’ve previously written. He was basically my life … sorta. You get the picture. But he was a major security blanket. I always knew I’d have someone to call, someone to vent to when nothing was going right, someone who would listen to my problems and help me figure things out, coach me through it all. I don’t have that anymore and it scares me.
I have no clue where I’m going to live. Something I’m really struggling with is the dorm situation. I don’t know whether or not to go into co-ed dorms or all girls dorms. Co-ed is the possibility of boys in the room next to me … ew. All girls means drama, drama, drama, and no night time visitors :) Boys means more friends … I get along better with boys :P Girls means more advice, clothes, shoes, etc. I guess that ones sort of shallow. I wish I could just check off the, “I don’t really care, just gimme a roof over my head” box.
And something else I’m apprehensive about is the whole drinking situation. Everyone I know that I never thought would party has become a partier. I don’t want to be typical, I don’t want to come back to high school like everyone else. I’ve always wanted to and enjoyed standing out in any way possible. Everyone parties nowadays and I don’t want to fit into that category. But I know college is a completely different atmosphere. There’s no babysitting, supervision, parents overseeing your every move; and I don’t want to slip up. I can’t afford it. I have to keep my grades up to a 3.5 throughout all of college and I know U of M is going to be a _____load harder than HHS. And then I still have to go another four years. I’m just afraid I won’t be strong enough to keep it that way … clean.
And I’m afraid of making friends. Everyone I’ve told that to is just like, “Oh no, you won’t have a problem. You’re such a nice person and outgoing.” Well this is a whole different environment than Hillsdale. And you have to start all over. That is one thing I am looking forward to in most parts, but I know you don’t just meet friends that easily; not friends that you are with the rest of your life, that you can trust them with anything, true friends.

I dunno. I guess I’m done ranting and raving. I need to go to bed. I’m getting real bad about this whole night owl thing.





[i’ve been searching deep down in my soul
words that i’m hearing are starting to get old
feels like i’m starting all over again
the last two years were just pretend.
and it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time.
i want what’s yours and i
want what’s mine.
i want you
but i’m not givin’ in this time]