a somewhat CHRISTmas rant.

I celebrate the holiday, Christmas, as the birth of our Lord and Savior. It is a time to remember that He came and died for us so that we may live with Him forever in Heaven. However, due to Hallmark, among other media influences, Christmas has made its way into many other traditions that have nothing to do with Christ.

I understand that this is only probably in today's society. I also understand that the people who follow these traditions do not typically celebrate Christmas in the same manner. We all have different traditions, but I find that Christmas tends to be the holiday most mocked when it comes to traditions.

As a Christian who celebrates Christmas as Christ's birth, I do not try and shove this belief down the throats of others who do not believe or celebrate in this fashion. I respect other's religions (thanks, U of M) and do not put others down, or other's celebratory holidays because I do not believe in them. For this same reason, I do not appreciate others trying to make a mockery of the most important date in Christianity. I understand everyone is entitled to their opinions, as am I, and that the whole freedom of speech notion allows us to express this to anyone and everyone. At the same time, looking for trouble by immaturely posting mocking comments about things important to others, or making fun of things important to others, is not exactly a tactful and respectable way to go about expressing one's opinions.

All in all, the message is simple: treat others the way you would like to be treated. Poking fun, putting down, and ridiculing others is not a way to make friends, or keep them, especially on a matter so important. I know that this is not the last time this will happen, but I can say that I have never had it happen this often.

Whether Christmas is a time for Jesus' birth, family, friends, traditions, or just another day, please be respectful of others and their entitlement to freedom of religion or lack thereof.

and it begins.

caffeine. caffeine. caffeine. caffeine.

Meet my future dog!!

I want this little pup... though she is no pup, she is a smarty! and super cute too! Meet Sunflower! A pitbull-terrier mix from the Huron Valley Humane Society! I've been keeping my eye on her for about four months now and she has yet to be adopted. I'm hoping that the next apartment I can get, I can have a dog and finally adopt her!! : DD well, after I get a job and save money of course...

waaaaait for it, THERE'S VIDEO.

I'm in love.

isn't she precious?! Though I'm pretty sure Sunflower would not stick.. I was thinking more along the lines of Bella, or Kenzie, or Keely... Idk, I've got time.

SO. Everyone pray that

a) I can get a subleaser in my current apartment.

b) I can get the studio apartment I want in Ypsi.

c) The landlord allows pets.

d) I can save up enough money for this little bundle of joy!!

I have two weeks before this is me... and it is honestly terrifying. I am beyond thankful to know that I am not entirely moving on to the next chapter, aka: taking a less than adequate job and trying to make it on my own living in a box. Fortunately, I just get to prepare for the next chapter of my life by signing my name away with around six figures in debt and growing excessive amounts of gray hair in relation to my age (gray hair should never be around a 20-something year old's life . . . ha. I am already well on my way though thanks to here... THE MICHIGAN DIFFERENCE : T /\/\ D).

Regardless of the fact that I am moving on, I will miss many aspects of the last four years that I could not have experienced anywhere else. Surprisingly, just thinking about it makes me feel a bit emotional, though I attribute this to the extreme stress I am currently going through with finals coming up and the fact that Ms. Mother Nature is still around (reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ap5eQyNdDk). TMI, my apologies. Stressssss.

Even though I am in a2 for another semester attending classes somewhere else, it's so hard to think that I won't be attending another lecture in Chem 1800, or will no longer be attacked by half-sheet distributors on the Diag on my daily stroll to class. And don't even get me started on no longer obtaining sick and awesome student section seating at the Big House, that's an entirely different level of emotions that I have not yet allowed myself to visit.

All I can do is sit back and appreciate the lessons I learned, the information I was rigorously tested upon, and the millions of memories I have had with friends over the last four years. Bowling in the Bbarbs hallways, handstands at frats (completely sober, I may add = pathetic but so much more fun and way easier to wake up and do work the following day), a multitude of 21st birthday celebrations, and row 22 football seats are just a few highlights of each year.

I would never wish to go back and do it over, it was too much fun the first time to take back those times and replace them. If I could just go back and use a camcorder to record as much as i could, I feel it could make for some great visits back to college. And probably would account for some extreme embarrassment as well as a few tears due to both laughter and sadness.

Regardless, time to accept the inevitable and realize that the college "glory days" are officially over. Well, in two weeks, and unfortunate for me, I have no possibility of experiencing any more "glory" in the next week and a half due to my stupidity in signing up for 18 credits this semester (but necessary for my early graduation . . . win-win sitch, I think?)

Time to grow up . . . sort of.

: )

I watch football like my dad.

aka- I interact* with the tv like it** can hear me.

* yell, scream, clap, hand gesture, hoot and holler, sing etc.

** refs, players, brady hoke, student section, opposing team, opposing team coaches, marching band, commentators, cheerleaders, etc.

I'm kind of beginning to switch over to tumblr. sorry Blogger world, but I don't have the time or resources to write out a detailed and structured entry on what is going on in my mind, especially when what is going on does not even make sense in my head, let alone on a computer screen. so instead, I will be using tumblr for a bit, well, trying it out. If there is ever something that I feel tumblr cannot portray in the way I am hoping, of course I will be back to this blog. But I feel I have finally built enough entries on tumblr for it to not appear TOO boring to others... No doubt this blog will remain here and I will occasionally update. But for the most part, tumblr is the new blog... er... organization of thoughts on electronics?

Check me out here!

: )

graduation could not come soon enough.

sometimes the things you want the most don't happen & what you least expect happens. i don't know- you meet thousands of people & none of them really touch you. & then you meet one person & your life is changed forever.

-love and other drugs

IS IT TIME FOR ME TO BE A DOG OWNER YET?

seriously, though.

WHYYY am I not tired?

It's 4:10 in the morning.

I am sick with cold/allergies/who knows?

I should be wiped out.

Nope,

W I D E A W A K E

cranky is now an understatement.

Words of Wisdom

"sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick, don't lose faith. i'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going is that i loved what i did. you've got to find what you love and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers. your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. if you haven't found it yet keep looking and don't settle. as with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. and like any great relationship it just gets better and better as the years roll on. so keep looking. and don't settle."
-steve jobs (rest in peace)

Summer, please come back.

Love,

A cold and wanna-be southern beach-goer stranded in Michigan during winter, I mean, fall...

I miss you.

you go, Fran Chan : )

an excerpt from Forgotten God by Francis Chan-

"Years ago, when a random thought came into my head, I decided to share it with my wife.'Have you ever wondered what caterpillars think about?' I asked. Not surprisingly, she said, 'No.' I then proceeded to tell her about the confusion I imagined a caterpillar must experience. For all its caterpillar life, it crawls around a small patch of dirt and up and down a few plants. Then one day it takes a nap. A long nap. And then, what in the world must go through its head when it wakes up to discover it can fly? What happened to its dirty, plump little worm body? What does it think when it sees its tiny new body and gorgeous wings? As believers, we ought to experience this same kind of astonishment when the Holy Spirit enters our bodies. We should be stunned in belief over becoming a 'new creation' with the Spirit living in us. As the caterpillar finds its new ability to fly, we should be thrilled over our Spirit-empowered ability to live differently and faithfully. Isn't this what the Scriptures speak of? Isn't this what we've all been longing for?"

Me and Francis Chan, we are on the same level- using animals to give insight. I wonder if he feels the same about puppies as I do : )

thanks, church. You get me every time.

	Chris Tomlin - Our God .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

	Hillsong United - Take Heart .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

As a Wolverine, I have been subjected to, accomplished, and experienced various things throughout my college career thus far. There are many great lessons I have learned that may have not been possible at another college. There are people I have met, paths I have crossed, issues I have dealt with that may have only occurred at this particular university. For that reason, I am very thankful to have gone here and been able to learn more about myself in the past three years in the ways that I have.

There are also things that have been increasingly frustrating in my life here at the U. For example, this school prides itself on "Making Smart People Feel Stupid Since 1817" as the Facebook page is so cleverly titled. I definitely fall into that "statistic."

I earned all A's in high school, except for in three math classes- one in which I was sick for three weeks straight with mono and forced to teach myself what I fell behind in (by the way, I did not catch up to the class until a week before the final; the teacher told me if I did not take it, he would flunk me...), then the class following that one which was based entirely off of the I-taught-myself-math class. Math was never my thing, anyways.

Then I somehow got accepted to this lovely school and am now carrying a solid, significantly less than 3.0 gpa (it is far too embarrassing to even list the actual gpa) and have worked my butt off to keep my head afloat. I'm not sure what it is that makes it so difficult. I mean, I know it is TMD- The Michigan Difference, but at one point to I finally surpass and beat that stupid difference?

I know I am not incapable, or stupid, or bad at science classes. I just took an accelerated Genetics class at EMU that is a transfer equivalent to Genetics at UMich and got a high B+/low A- due to the small amount of points the assignments/tests were worth. This clearly proves I am not science illiterate- just UMich science illiterate.

So how do I surpass that silly Michigan Difference in Science courses? I'm not entirely sure, but I know (or at least hope) I can figure it out soon- I am running out of time.

Done.

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

[marley and me]

I want a dog. so I have a cuddle buddy every night : ( and preferably, a big one so that he can compete with me in the bed-hogging category...

the house with the white picket fence

I have always like to have thought that I am a bit more mature for my age, definitely more mature than immature.

One of my favorite things about running, other than stretching, is where I run. It's so fun to pick a new neighborhood to familiarize yourself with and just admire as a visitor. For me, it's the houses in particular. I'm not sure why houses are so appealing to me, but I think it would be fun to just walk through houses when they're decorated or when they're lived in and have the spirit of the family within them.

A house is one of the things I am most looking forward to about being a grown up. I finally get to decorate it as I wish, have a few flower beds, a vegetable garden, a front porch with wicker furniture and flower pots, maybe a few window boxes. I know I don't want the cliché white picket fence, but an Invisible Fence for my dogs would be nice : )

back to square one.

180 degrees.

post after post

This will have been the third draft of a post that I have written in the past two or three days. I just cannot seem to finish one post, or find the motivation and inspiration to really be sure that I convey my message properly. It makes me really appreciate and admire pastors. As a perfectionist, I cannot imagine the responsibility of standing in front of so many followers of Christ to preach what He would have me preach, and have me preach confidently. I am merely terrified of constructing a blog, let alone a message.

Though this is not the point of this blog post, particularly. Once in a blue moon, I get to feeling particularly sappy. Tonight must be the night of a blue moon : )

Thus far, I have watched A Walk to Remember and am currently a half hour into The Notebook. Perhaps the reason I am feeling what I would consider extreeeemely vulnerable (aka: romantic) is because my boyfriend just left three days ago. Maybe it's because the music of these two movies just really takes me to a place of pure love. Maybe I'm just ... changing. I would rather go with the first one over any of the others.

The most exciting aspect of these two movies is that my current love life is far better than the two of them combined. The only thing these two movies have on my love life: a fantastic soundtrack that is played throughout, whereas mine depends on nature and whatever song is on the top 100 iTunes playlist. As someone who never relied upon romance or love to really "spice" up their life, life sure did throw me a curve ball and caught me off guard. But it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

And that's as sappy as I feel like sharing with the rest of the world.

sing me a melody.

A simple song can evoke so many feelings, memories, emotions, and it never ceases to amaze me how a random song playing on my iTunes library can change my entire mood and send me spiraling into blissful reminiscence.

I am a person who is quite dependent upon music, though lately, my schedule has not permitted me (in the past ... six months or so) to really find new music, or at least catch up on what has been out for over a month prior. If I had my way, a constant soundtrack would be playing continuously throughout one's life. Music evokes so many emotions that cannot be reached in any other method. I find myself revisiting memories so vividly when listening to music.

There are so many songs that just take me right back, some of which are a happy place, others a little more unpleasant. But nonetheless, a memory is a memory.

"mr. brightside" - the killers

"broken" - lifehouse

"down" - jay sean

"keep breathing" - ingrid michaelson

"superman" - eminem

"whatever you like" - t.i.

"from where you are" - lifehouse

"cyclone" - baby bash

"everything" - lifehouse

"throw it in the bag" - fabolous

"i got it" - gorilla zoe

"fire" augustana

"sweet and low" - augustana

"i will follow you into the dark" - death cab for cutie

"stronger" - kanye west

i miss...

• simplicity
• sleeping in
• 92 degrees worth of heat daily
• my friends : (
• soccer
• being in shape
• taking a tropical vacation
• drawing
• shopping
• bonfires
• my family : (
• good books
• God : (
• relaxation
• dressing up in fancy clothes
• my boyfriend : (
• having a garden
• being tough

wedding bliss

My aspirations as a child were always academically and career driven. I wanted to be an eye doctor, and for a short period of time, a ballerina (didn't work out, clearly...). I pictured myself in that long, white lab coat, bouncing from room to room, patient to patient, shining lights in people's eyes and asking them, "Which is better, one, or two? Three or four?" I would dream about the massive log house I would build and the cars I would have and the fun phoropter I would play with as I asked that relentless question, "Which is better? which is better? which is better?"

That house always included rooms for children, a toy room downstairs in the basement, a "den" for my husband, and a master bedroom with a master bathroom for my husband and I to share. What is funny is that a husband and children were never in the plans for me.

I am, by no means, a typical girl. If you've followed past posts, I do not cry, I do not thrive on drama, I would much rather hang out with guys than girls, and I have no problem walking around with no makeup on or impressing others. Another to add to the list, the desire to get married. I never dreamed of that white dress, the rings, the ceremony, any of it as a young girl. I was too focused on playing with that phoropter to worry about who would be in my wedding or what my hair would look like.

Lately, however, marriage is something that has been present in my life more than I would have though. My boyfriend's college friend got married, my sister is planning her 2012 summer wedding, a close friend from college got married, and then the weekend after her wedding, my best friend from high school got married. For a girl who never really thought about marriage, that is an AWFUL lot of wedding going on.

At these weddings though, I realized I really was a girl, or at least, some part of me was in the emotional department. Maybe it was just the happiness that radiated in the room, or seeing the result of love and commitment and its effects on people, on me.

At the first wedding, I was just a wedding guest watching on as two people exchanged their promises towards each other, as the groom saw his gorgeous bride emerge with her dad, an older sister give away her sister (that one in particular... only 'cause I have to do it next year : ( ), and I got to have a glimpse of the very very beginning of their lives together.

At the second wedding, I got a bit more up, close, and personal : p As a bridesmaid, you really are in on all of the action. I was one of the people closest to the bride and groom as they exchanged vows (I could read their lips : P), I had the pleasure of helping them throughout the last several months prepare for the most important day of their life together; I got to smile and pose an awful lot in many many many many (I cannot stress how many mannnnys) pictures, and I got to play the role of best friend in any way possible. Not to mention, I got to relive that moment of the eldest sister giving away the younger sister, though at a much more personal level since these sisters were somewhat like my sisters, and I was seated next to the bride's sisters and two from the bride...

All of this wedding stuff, early on, was a bit overwhelming for a girl who was honestly terrified of the thought of marriage, since it was a thought so foreign and never actually thought about.

Now, after two weddings and planning for a little sister's wedding, the thought is not so daunting anymore.

It has shown me though that whenever that day comes, there will be A LOT of help from anyone and everyone...

I also know now why Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn crashed so many weddings (not the bad, dirty, raunchy part...), it was a darn good time!

Kelsie's wedding (5/6)

Brandi's wedding (5/13)

ps- best wishes and happy times to both Kelsie and Brad and also to Brandi and Malachi : )

On Christ, the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.

A Day in History

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

-MLK Jr.

Jane Austen Woes

As I watch Pride and Prejudice for a study break, I can't help but wish to have lived during that particular era. The manner during that time period was so elegant, simple, and beautiful. Their dialect and speech is "fancy," for lack of a better word. The fashion during that era was also something of interest in my opinion. Maybe not men's fashion, but definitely women. Women were expected to wear dresses every day, dresses they made and designed themselves.

That is something else I find interesting. They did not have tvs to entertain them, or cell phones to be bothered by. Everything was so much more intimate because the time had to be put in to really achieve something, be it friendship, entertainment, or any sort of material things.

How beautiful and lovely to grow up with nature in your backyard, literally everything at your fingertips?

However, I am sure that if I were to venture to that point after being exposed to technology now, I would greatly wish to return, unfortunately.

"if your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever.

If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on".

time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

time. time. time. time. time. time. time.

...and zombie mode begins.

brighter than sunshine

i didn't believe in destiny

i look up you're standing next to me

what a feeling

what a feeling in my soul

love burns brighter than sunshine

let the rain fall, i don't care

i'm yours and suddenly you're mine

[brighter than sunshine - aqualung]

Footprints

In the past month, stress is one thing that has never ceased to invade and occupy my mind. The tears shed throughout that month could easily exceed the total rainfall for the month of April in Michigan. The causes of this stress and those tears range anywhere from a test score, an upcoming assignment, frustration with my family, friends, roommates, boyfriend, the guys who live in the same building, classmates, or the empty lonely feeling of not having a dog. Okay, maybe not the last one, but I mean, I would like to say something as that instead of other reasons.

I have been praying for a long, long time. I know that I have grown impatient and restless of the matter. And I've gone about several different ways of praying about these "demons," if you will.

Tangent to all of this:

Regret is not a feeling that occurs in my life. Although I can think of one, single regret: not telling my current boyfriend that I really wanted to try and date six years ago. The "catch" to this regret: look where I am now- he is my current boyfriend, so how can it be considered a true "regret?" (When asked whether or not I have regrets, this is the only thing that is closest to what I would consider a "regret") There was a time six years ago where the question was posed, if we should date. And stupidly, I answered no, which I thought ceased all potential relationship possibilities. In all honesty, I thought I had let him slip from my fingers. And that was always something I truly regretted. That was sophomore year of high school.

Over the next several years, our friendship dwindled and I thought I had finally convinced myself to move on and forget about the one "regret" I had in my life.

Freshman year of college, he found ways to weave himself back into my life. Random, short facebook messages or A "Happy 19th Birthday!" via facebook, regardless that I had never wished him a happy birthday the month prior to my own birthday. Any sort of contact replenished everything I had once felt, and as this occurred, I felt confused and a bit burdened. Naturally, I took it to God in prayer. I prayed for several months, especially each time after we shared some sort of contact. I remember one of the last prayers I said about the entire ordeal, "Please just point me in the direction of whether or not I should continue feeling this way, or if I should just move on completely. And whichever You wish for me to do, I pray that You help me to accept and honor Your wishes."

Within a month, we were making contact, only this time not via facebook. And thus, our relationship began. My prayers were answered after I had asked for help in the "right way."

I have been praying for answers to the different battles I have struggled with over the past month. Tonight, after fighting sleep to consider every single stressor I have, I finally confessed to God: "Here are my burdens. I turn them over to You entirely so that You my do as You please with me." I realized that I am not meant to walk alone in this life, and that I cannot do it on my own, I can depend on Him. I finally learned that He will always willingly carry those burdens for me.

My grandmother recited this to me several weeks ago, and clearly, I did not get the memo properly. Here I stand, worrying about things that I have no business worrying about, when I know and have seen for myself how answered prayers take time and asking the "right way." That is what makes me realize even more that I am human and cannot carry these burdens alone. I recognize that I came to the same conclusion two years ago (perhaps to the day or week) that I can not fight these earthly battles on my own and that sometimes, I need to offer these troubles to God.

After giving these up in prayer, my mind no longer wandered to questioning my future. Instead, I thought about my past and all of the ways God had shown Himself in my life. And my first thought was my first and only "regret," leading me to remember how perfect things turned out.

And thankfully, I feel my burdens lifted.

I had a lovely date tonight with Frank, Rod, and orgo tonight...

well, Frank and Rod made it bearable at least : )

I. Need. A. Vacation.

"city of blinding lights" - U2

may angels lead you in...

I need a niche.

the best medicine there is

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

James 1:2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

you're gonna be the lucky one

when we get there, gonna jump in the air

no one will see us

'cause there's nobody there

[chicago]

Sometimes, an early Spring rain is all you need : )

I just want to be d o n e

I'm not as tough as I used to be. I'm not as tough as I think I am. And I'll never be as tough as I want to be ... And that's okay.

carry the world

can't carry your own

when the world is falling down

and another breaks then another falls

carry the weight

can't carry it all

and i'm at the end of myself

anything you want

and nothing seems to satisfy me

take anything you want

these diamonds in the making

thanks, switchfoot/pandora : )

I love the chorus, and the guitar : )

i wish i had what i needed

to be on my own

'cause i feel so defeated

and i'm feeling alone

and it all seems so helpless

and i have no plans

i'm a plane in the sunset

with nowhere to land

and all i see

it could never make me happy

and all my sand castles

spend their time collapsing

let me know that You hear me

let me know Your touch

let me know that You love me

and let that be enough

it's my birthday tomorrow

no one here could know

i was born this thursday

22 years ago

and i feel stuck

watching history repeating

yeah who am i?

just a kid who knows he's needy

let me know that You hear me

let me know Your touch

let me know that You love me

and let that be enough.

note: this is by switchfoot . . . the youtube guy put the wrong album up.

and my regular site didn't have a working link to this song : (

winter just isn't my season.

& michigan just isn't my state.

... and neither is virginia.

... or ohio.

random things.

I haven't done a list of random things lately, just some well thought-out posts... I'm taking an English class so I have to actually write things. So my theory is that in writing out papers in a sophisticated and academic way, my blog becomes. . . well, not sophisticated but rather, structured in an academic paper motif rather than rambling thoughts and fabrications that occur within the walls of my skull... hah.

So, shall we return to simplicity and just admire the workings of my mind at it's norm, when it is most comfortable and accelerating at the speed of sound? Yes, sounds lovely to me. So does Hawaii, wish I could venture off there like I am venturing off to the natural escapes of my mind...

• THREE DAYS UNTIL SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (! x 937891738505054827302pi)
  though I would consider it winter break since 9 inches of snow just graced Michigan with its presence 48 hours ago. I hate Michigan, and apparently, so does Mother Nature. Thanks Mommy dearest for reminding us that the groundhog did indeed NOT find his shadow and regardless if he did, you would still take out your frustrations on our poor, cracking roads and grody, salt-crusted Ugg boots...
• I am absolutely terrified of the MCAT.
  it has honestly become an obsession within my head . . . I am surprised I haven't started hearing voices taunting me over it yet (I'm sure they will come eventually, when spring break isn't so permanently burned into my brain). There are just so many uncertainties. I know I just posted about how comforting it is to know that God has control over everything, including my MCAT score, but he does not have enough control to allow me to not prepare for it and still do well. And I am driving myself insane with, "what if I don't get in anywhere?" "what if I am forced to take a year off- what will I do then?" "What if i am not meant to be a doctor" (a little late for that one, huh...) ugh. what if what if what if. So dumb... I know : (
• I feel horrible for my mom, grandparents, and sister
  Though my sister's power is back on from the ice storms, my mom and grandparents have been without power for over 48 hours. And they're planning on it being at least another 12 hours minimum... I invited them up here but unfortunately, I think it's too far of a drive for them to make now if the power will be back on in 12-24 hours : (
• I am pretty sure I have a cavity
  I was checking the other day, oh what a site it would have been to see that... Balancing a mirror and still seeing out of it, while looking in the mirror, and pointing a flashlight into your mouth is not as easy as it sounds, let me tell you.
• I need a new workout routine
  I love running but for only outside. and the trek to the CCRB is soooo long and cold nowadays, a run outside would probably be considered better than trying to walk all the way over there, especially in this snow. I am leaning towards some sort of video workout, perhaps a TaeBo, pilates, and/or high cardio dvd. Idk, I haven't really been able to do my research yet but I will get there eventually. Maybe by that time, it will be "spring" and I can begin my outdoor training!

back to studying... stupid Oprah midterm. ugh.

"why do we get married? we need a witness to our lives. there's a billion people on the planet. i mean, what does any one life really mean? but in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything- the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. you're saying, 'your life will not go unnoticed because i will notice it. your life will not go un-witnessed because i will be your witness.'"

-shall we dance

	Peter Gabriel - Book Of Love .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

this could be judgmental . . . maybe.

this is going to be a long one...

College is a time of growth and learning, specifically, growth and learning of oneself, life, and relationships. Some college kids take this growth and learning to an entirely new level. Society has dramatically changed the norm for a relationship nowadays. These days, college guys drink uncontrollably to fit in and do whatever they please without a conscious. Meanwhile, self-conscious college girls are out drinking hardly anything but acting in ways that are beyond self-destructive. It is a perpetual, never-ending circle. Guys do as they please, girls please as they do. What I cannot fail to see is the long-term effects of this vicious cycle. How do guys really feel after they have done intimate things with so many girls and then see them in class? How do girls feel knowing that they attracted a guy solely due to a plunging neckline and short skirt, not for what they really have to offer? Drinking just offers an excuse for these actions, an alternative. In reality, it only makes the situation worse. How can drinking help in anything? It destroys the lives of those who allow for it to consume their lives. It gives people the freedom they never “thought” they had, when in fact, they had it all along but didn’t know how to exhibit it. Perhaps I am hypocritical for this. I admit, I first drank last year and I have found it to be one of two regrets I have had in my entire life. It wasn’t that I allowed it to stray me from what I have always believed, it is that it confirmed what I had always believed. It was, and still is, most regretful that I doubted myself and what was once my biggest stances just to reaffirm that I was right all along. I am not condemning drinking to nonexistence, it should just be something done with maturity and responsibility. It should not be about getting drunk, forgetting troubles, or having a good Saturday night. Though, college students see this as the only option available sometimes.

Secondly, when it comes to actually growing up, why can’t a college student do so? College is definitely meant to be a time of one’s life where they can be as selfish as they please. Once again, this is an area that is exploited and abused about as much as sorority girls and drinking. It is as if students continue in their habits, even after they are no longer students, to live out something that ended years ago.

Life is, and never was, about how many rounds of beer pong one was undefeated freshman year. It isn’t about the number of girls you got in one weekend or snagging the best-looking frat boy at a part. It isn’t about wearing the shortest skirt, or the highest heels. It isn’t about the football games, the tailgates, the hangovers, and the late nights. Those are what some would argue college is about.I would argue that college is about finding out who you truly are before you have to grow up and enter the real world. It’s about finding friends who respect you, love you, care for you. It’s about building relationships, a resume, an education, and using all of those skills acquired to really make life what it is. What is sad is that the widespread “idea” of college is something that exists only in college. Those “things” are not anything that can be applied to the real world that can be used throughout one’s life. I’m pretty sure at 79, beer pong is the last thing on your mind. And that your boss is not going to appreciate when you show up to work in a raggedy, denim mini skirt. However, you friends are going to appreciate the qualities you obtained being friends to others. Your boss will appreciate those internships and experiences you gained during college. Your husband or wife will appreciate knowing that they love you and there is no other you out there, that you are most comfortable and confident with yourself.

There are two things that I believe I have most benefitted from in college: my relationship with God, and the relationship God has provided for me with the love of my life.

Establishing a relationship with God has been the most successful, rewarding, and beneficial decisions of my life. And clearly the best. I realized last night that there is nothing more satisfying than knowing that I am incapable. That I will fail. That I am helpless. I am hopeless. I am n o t h i n g without God. But with Him, I am everything. I am someone who can accomplish all, I can conquer all.It is just about allowing Him to move in my life and trusting that He knows best. There is nothing,nothing, more reassuring than knowing that my life is already planned; I am just along for the ride.I am here to live it in a way that God would have me live it.

What I find so disappointing about life is why so many do not have this type of faith. Because if they did have faith in someone that can move mountains, who reigns from Heaven above, who is all powerful and loving, they would realize that they don’t need all of those silly things that college students convince themselves they need.

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life because of this faith, because of God. Isn’t that what everyone wants, shoots for, hopes, dreams, and wishes for?

• Jeremiah 17:7
• Proverbs 3:5-6
• Psalms 40:8

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

as passed on in an email...

"to get something you never had, you have to do something you never did."

when God takes something for your grasp, He's not punishing you

but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

the will of God will never take you where the Grace of God

will not protect you.

put me on a plane

& fly me to anywhere

with you

vday or the lack thereof : P

"set the fire to the third bar"

snow patrol

current playlist : (

"come away with me" norah jones. "smile" uncle cracker. "with me" sum 41. "on your arm" schuyler fisk. "before it's too late" goo goo dolls. "come home" one republic. "set fire to the third bar" snow patrol. "way i am" ingrid michaelson. "paperweight" joshua radin & schuyler fisk. "the best thing" relient k. "iris" goo goo dolls. "falling in love at a coffee shop" landon pigg. "your arms feel like home" 3 doors down. "hey there delilah" plain white tees. "don't know why" norah jones. "from where you are" lifehouse. "oh, it is love" hellogoodbye. "here in your arms" hellogoodbye. "i miss you" incubus. "don't stop believin''" journey. "without you here" goo goo dolls. "feels like home" chantel kreviazuk. "

january 23rd. warning: long.

I have always struggled with feelings, never words, but feelings. Give me a piece of paper and a pencil and I can convey them in a paper, a story, a poem, or simply a few words. But when you ask me to say them aloud, to admit that they are present, to simply acknowledge what some people find as common as proper hygiene, it just isn't happenin' for me.

I have found this to be a significant "fault," if you will, in myself. Though, I would not call it a fault, rather, a characteristic. To any other outsider, I have the emotions and heart of a boy . . . no crying, no romance, no affection. Okay, well, some of all of those, but not to the extent of the typical 2o-something you will find walking down the street. A clever line quoted from Harry Potter by Hermione, "...it's not our fault you have the emotional range of a teaspoon..." which more than describes my personal emotional range.

Occasionally, I do find myself wishing that I could actually feel more and convey those feelings into words and visible emotion. My natural instinct is to tuck it away so that I can forget about it in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. This reaction does not seem fair whatsoever to my purpose as a human being: to feel.

So, I'm trying something different for the time being. Yes, I will be getting all mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey, for just one post, I promise. And I know that I am typing the previously stated sentence for the sole sympathy towards myself . . . it is more uncomfortable for me to type this than it is for you to read this.

You see, I have this guy. : )

(and in my opinion, there is enough emotion rolled up into that one little sentence to properly convey what I want to say share.

No. I will continue.

We seem to have one of those book-worthy stories ... you know, something Nicholas Sparks and one of those other romantic, 50-year old divorced women/18-year old lonely girls targeted, get-a-pint-of-Ben&Jerry's kind of stories. The gist of it: we met in February 2005 at a church camp retreat. Friendship turned to more than friends but separated by 100 some miles . . . and driver's permits. Friendship returned and then just occasional hello's until the summer in between freshman and sophomore year of college when low and behold, someone strolls back into my life : ) I thought for sure that whatever we had had was gone, or at least for him. Way wrong. The rest is history. We hung out every chance we got during that summer and began officially dating on July 23rd and have never looked back once.

Of course, there is plenty more to it, but the picture has been painted.

It has officially been a year and half as of January 23rd and I don't think it is physically possible to be happier than this. I still get those silly butterflies, and my heart skips a beat (ugh. mushy) every time I get a text message from him. Some would say that "first dating" feeling has been drawn out due to the 579 miles separating us. But I would argue otherwise; there is genuine appreciation and love that is never, and never will be, taken advantage of.

now if only Virginia replaced Ohio in every aspect... : )

and if only I could learn how to feel emotions like a girl, or at least, a bit more unlike a boy. : )

. . .

I miss . . .

• shorts
• being tan
• running outside
• shorts
• sleeping in
• staying up late
• shorts
• my boyyyfriendddd
• flippy floppies
• shorts

clearly. i am in a state of denial that causes me to live where there are not shorts worn year round.

that. needs. to. change. : )