Monday, October 26, 2009

an add on to Dear Jesus

I am listening to a song as I do my homework and the words really spoke to me, especially after my last blog post.
Naturally, it's a beautiful song by Hillsong United called "Hosanna."

Heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love
like you have loved me

break my heart for what breaks yours
everything i am for your kingdom cause
as i go from nothing
to eternity


Friday, October 23, 2009

Vulnerability - Dear Jesus

Tonight is an odd night. I feel like I have a lot on my heart but I can't quite identify what exactly it is. It's an odd feeling, is what it is. Basically, I'm vulnerable.
If you don't know me well, I am a bit stubborn and private, and stubborn about being private. I don't dish out feelings openly, I don't confront people on issues I may have, I am quite introverted when it comes to feelings.
I am someone who is fantastic at blocking out things that probably should not be blocked out. I have done it for years and so far, it has worked quite well for me. I have eliminated things, people, habits, that should not have ever been present in my life. Yes, I am sure I hurt those things, people, etc. that I blocked out, but they were hurting me in the first place.
I suppose this is the reason I can't exactly determine what it is that is really softening my heart. And honestly, that is what is going on.

I sit here with an Italian exam in approximately eight and a half hours and I have no urge whatsoever to look over any of it. I'm too distracted.

So rather than fret, cram, or just sit and ponder at the thoughts, wonders, and mysterious questions tugging at my heart, I think I'll just write a little note to my good friend, God : )

Dear God,

Thanks so much for this lovely day You've provided, I'm so thankful to be living another day in the amazing world You created, Yourself. I am so thankful for everything that I have been provided with from You- my family, my friends, my boyfriend, the roof over my head, the food on my table, the clothes upon my back, the heat within my room. It's a never-ending list and You know its entirety, just as You know me entirely.
I want to tell You that I am trying so hard to allow myself to be molded into whatever it is that You make of me. I want nothing more than to love You, please You, and honor You in all of Your glory. I feel as though, sometimes, this is nowhere near enough for You. I wish I could give You at least half of what You've given me, but I know I can never realistically reach this. I could strive to be all I ever wanted to be, all You have ever wanted me to be, and I would still fall short of Your glory and magnificence.
I am human. I will always be human. I will always sin, fall short, and need and ask for forgiveness. I make more mistakes than I am given freebies for, and I am embarrassed, saddened, and ashamed that I allow myself to continue to make these mistakes. I look at it as learning exactly who I want to be, who YOU want me to be, who I am meant to be. I feel I cannot express how sinful I am, how completely unworthy I am to present myself and my thoughts and feelings to You and ask You for forgiveness for the things I have done wrong.
But that is the beauty of You.
A God who loves me for who I am, for who I choose to be regardless of who You want me to be, who loves ME from the inside out (thank you Hillsong). That entire song, that is how You love me, why can I not return that love? It isn't that I don't love You, it's that I don't love You enough, I don't love You as You love me. If love is 50/50, then why am I pulling a .01/99.99 love relationship here? I am washed in the fountain, cleansed by Your blood. I have been given an irreplaceable gift by the most loving being every known to man. Your love is what has allowed me to exist.
I miss the fulfillment You brought to me after Colorado 2005, after every return to Somerset. It was such an accomplished, strong, and invincible.
I want nothing more than to allow You to work in me, through me, with me throughout the remaining years, months, days, hours, minutes of my life. I want to live for You, surrounded by You, simply engulfed in You.

Most of all, thank You for sending Your son to die for me, a mere human, a sinner, a lost soul that can be found and led back to You. I cannot describe how thankful I am for Your everlasting love, your merciless love, your never ending love. I am forever in debt to You and I hope, pray, wish, desire to fulfill whatever it is You will have me for in the same ways that You have filled my heart.

There's so much more to this, so much more to be said and thought about but I cannot put these feelings into words. You know my heart, You know . . . everything.

I love You, and I hope to someday love You in ways that You have loved me. I want to love You as You have loved me, and to love others in that same way.

Love,
Stephanie



Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Study break : )

I am taking a study break to blog about, well, my official study break in Virginia.

I ventured out, on my own, in an airplane or two, to fly to Virginia to see this guy who is kinda a big deal. I mean, I only jumped on two planes, by myself, to fly down to see him so he's kinda . . . eh, I dunno, a mere acquaintance you could say? : )
I left after a few classes on Friday afternoon to fly out of DTW . . . for all you out there who don't have a pilot as a boyfriend, that translates to Detroit Wayne-County airport. I flew on an two hour flight to CLT . . . Charlotte Douglas International . . . and then jumped on a 737 (aka: a pretty darn big plane) to climb and then descend down to RDU . . . Raleigh Durham International . . . in forty five minutes (one of my favorite flights). I then waited for my pilot boyfriend to pick me up and fly me back to LYH . . . Lynchburg . . . to finally reach my intended destination.
It was a long day, to say the least. I was ecstatic to check into a hotel and take full advantage of the two queen beds provided, especially since I had gotten approximately four hours of sleep the night before and could not sleep on the plane.

Allow me to just say that the south is entirely different than the north in many many maaaany ways. They drive different, talk different, and carry things out differently. Perhaps that was because I was on a massive Christian campus.

Which, in comparison to the U is completely and utterly polar opposite. One of the guys I met asked what was different between U of M and LU and stared blankly at him for a good minute, trying to come up with something to say. Finally, I told him I could tell him what we shared in common, which was that the students carried backpacks.
I'm sure there are many things that are similar between the two universities. Afterall, they are both universities, so there is one thing.
When comparing their sports programs though, such as their stadium which houses approximately 15,000 spectators (but is expanding to a whopping 60,000 spectators and be shaped as the ever so lovely horseshoe of OSU), to the Big House, which housed more fans in 1927 when it was originally built than Liberty will after its Phase I renovations expected to be completed late 2010.
I am not at all bashing this eager university at all. I am simply observing the massive differences between the conservative southern university and my liberal midwest university.
The student population is basically the same, other than the lack of UGGs present in Virginia as well as students donning everything they own embroidered with their Greek letters. Liberty doesn't have greek life at all. There are boys in ties, girls in sweats, guys in shorts, girls in jeans, guys in flip flops, girls in heels, just like any other university.
Lynchburg was a great college town, it really had a lot to offer. I only got a glimpse of what is probably going on, but there seems to be a lot that to campus offers students as well as many neighboring cities and the city itself.
I was most excited to hear of the weather forecast in Lynchburg- NO SNOW.
That's my kind of location for a school . . . this is one of the things that Michigan is unfortunately, NOT lacking.
Liberty did have amazing facilities for their students. Their buildings, dorms, etc. were all brand new, unlike Michigan's rustic and antique-ish looking exterior. Yes, I suppose it does give character but renovations to the interior of buildings would be wonderful as well. We do have 40,000 students going here who pay anywhere between $25,000 and $50,000 to attend our fine establishment. Air conditioning and wireless in each building isn't too much to ask, is it?

Overall, it was an eye-opening experience, such as flying alone, attending a major southern university, or checking into a hotel on my own. I would do it again, of course, but only 'cause that mere acquaintance was a pretty nice host/tour guide : )

Monday, October 12, 2009

stats 350 may be good after all. . . ehhh.

There are three things that make me swear:
1) MSU fans
2) past soccer games
3) stats 350.

We are gonna talk a bit about numero tre : )
I don't know why I just followed up that sentence with a smiley face, but I did. Stats 350 will be the death of me this semester, if I let it. And as of right now, I am allowing it.
First off, I have an exam in t-three days . . . aka: I should be studying my butt off. But I am so over studying already . . . just because it is all I did last week. Plus I just came back from a weekend of no homework and lots of relaxation, and I am soooo close to fall break, it isn't even funny. Who would feel like studying? Someone who wants an A, which I do. So I should really be studying . . .

Anyways,
Stats 350 actually brought up a great point today.
Our professor was discussing an example that we had displayed in our notes. The coordinator for the class, Gundersan, is a woman herself and chooses to use examples that degrade and put down the male species. Hey, I can't argue with her : ) Well my professor, who is not Gunderson, was discussing today one of her examples that showed statistics for the number of males in a random sample population that go behind the wheel after a few too many. It has been proven that this occurs more often in males, and it was made obvious in class today.
Venable (my professor) brought up that men sometimes make stupid decisions more often than women and that this was one of them. After a few snickers from the alpha dogs in the back and a few giggles from the girls along with nods, the room went silent. Venable then asked by a show of hands who all had done it before and naturally, there were way more males that had done it than females.
Now I'm not putting down guys in any way, shape, or form, but. . .
seriously guys?

I can remember in high school chatting about weekend plans with a friend from one of my chemistry classes. He talked about how he couldn't wait to go out and drink and then go drive and how fun it was.
Now lemme just say that I'm not putting him down in any way, shape, or form, but . . .
seriously, kid?

One Sunday afternoon, I was at a church picnic when an ambulance went screaming by. I thought nothing of it, accidents happen everyday, what are the chances that I know the person involved?
Pretty good, actually.
A friend from high school was simply leaving the house of a friend to take another friend home after a slumber party. She came up to 4-way intersection where cross-traffic stopped. As she continued to drive through the intersection as any other person would, a MALE driver sped through what should have been a stop for him and t-bone hit her at 55 mph.
That ambulance
was on it's way to her.
She was in a coma for two days, and they gave her 72 hours to respond to anything or they were going to pull the plug. Surprisingly, 24 hours later, she squeezed the hand of her mother.
It turns out Mr. Driver was leaving a house after having a ridiculous amount of alcohol among other illegal substances. He refused a breathalyzer and was well over the legal limit of .08. I don't remember what happened to him, but he should've gotten into a lot a lot a lot of trouble.

How about the mother who drove her her seven passenger van into a head on collision after downing eight shots of vodka and toking it up a bit?
Is it really that much more important, that much cooler, that much more convenient that one should get in a car after drinking?
What possesses people to think that they are capable of operating a machine that is worth $10,000 or more, carries priceless cargo, and can cause an irreversible consequence when they can't even walk straight?

I've worked in a bar for three years almost. I've seen people at their absolute worst when it comes to drinking. It's part of the reason why I am not a fan of drinking at all. I remember standing behind the bar one night and listening to a man brag up to his surrounding peers seated beside him about his amazing ability to drive while under the influence. He said this as they all sat and downed beer, after beer, after beer and then strutted out of the bar shortly after.
Now I'm not putting him down in any way, shape, or form, but. . .
seriously?
It took everything I had to not take his full glass of cheap-a Coors light and not throw it in the sink and tell him to get the eff out. I don't care that you've never been pulled over, or that you have and blown a legal limit. I don't care if you can make it look like you're perfectly sober while driving. I don't care if you're only going two blocks away. If you're stupid enough to drive after drinking, it's not you that I care about one bit. It's the other innocent, perfectly sober people who are out minding their own business that you hit because you thought the gas pedal was the brake, or that you never saw coming.
I care about the people who are in the wrong place and the wrong time. I care about the family of the person you hit and kill while you live and have to deal with the consequences.

I will never get in the car with someone who has had even one drink. I'll walk home, I'll call a cab, I'll call the cops to come and pick me up. But you had better bet that I will not place myself in a situation that is detrimental to my life as well as others.

That is one thing that held me back from drinking. I have always said I wouldn't start drinking in college, if I drank, it would be at home. There is nothing to do in that dinky little town I call home, which explains why so many of my peers felt the need to indulge in a form of fun in a bottle or two, or three, or six.
I've grown up a lot since high school. In high school, I rarely associated myself with my peers who spent their weekends passed out on the basement floor of the party house in town, who stumbled down roads and hills, waking up with cuts that they have no idea where they came from. I never even knew about half of these things, I was so oblivious and in denial. I had no urge to participate in these "fun and crazy" weekends. I was afraid that if I did, I might finally give in and indulge myself.
I knew college would be a much harder task than high school, after all, everyone drinks. I held true to my word. I didn't allow one bottle, one beer, one sip to touch my lips my entire freshman year. It was one of my proudest moments going to a frat party where I had a friend who would have shoved beer down my throat had I opened my mouth wide enough. It was the greatest thing to sit and disappoint him every Saturday night, telling him I would not be drinking that evening, or the next weekend, or the following.
I went home this past summer and it was the hardest thing to deny my good friends from high school who had jumped on the "fun and crazy" bandwagon, or simply continued their weekend rituals involving obscene amounts of liquor, beer, and ciggs. One of the sole excuses I had every time I joined them for a night in, or out, was that I had to drive. I found myself offering to drive anywhere so that I could use that as an excuse to not drink. It is honestly, the one thing that really saved me this summer from making stupid, irresponsible mistakes that could have not been taken back.



I originally wrote this post with a looooot more included but I feel this is enough and I got most of my point across.

Perhaps someday I will understand why I have these feelings towards drinking. I mean sure, I can narrow down what has truly influenced my feelings in this particular subject but I'm sure there is something else that really gets me about it all. I don't judge others for their choice of actions, after all, it is essentially their choice.
But I do judge those who make irrational and irresponsible decisions such as getting behind the wheel, drinking beyond their limit, or pressuring someone else to do something.
It's those who I feel sorry for. The people who feel they have to live up to this standard that everyone else is . . .
drinking isn't all that it's cracked up to be. You really can have fun without it, you just have to have the right people.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

thank you Ingrid

if you were falling
then i would catch you
you need a light
i'd find a match

'cause i love the way
you say g'morning
and you take me
the way i am.

if you are chilly
here take my sweater
your head is achey
i'll make it better

'cause i love the way
you call me baby
and you take me
the way i am.

'cause i love you more
than i could ever promise
and you take me
the way i am.

Monday, October 5, 2009

A good one before a bio exam : )

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.



This is one of my favorite hymns to sing and I think it's so appropriate to sing it before heading out to a bio exam : ) Plus, it's just a beautiful song in itself. . .
We have the coolest God ever : )

Sunday, October 4, 2009

untitled. . .


____________________________________


i think that possibly
maybe
i've fallen for you.
yes there's a chance
i've fallen quite hard
over you.
i've seen the paths
that your eyes wander down
and i wanna come too.
i think that possibly
maybe
i've fallen for you.
no one understands me
quite like you do.
through all of the
shadowy corners of me.

i think that possibly
maybe
i've fallen for you.
yes there's a chance
i've fallen quite hard
over you.
i've seen the waters
that make your eyes shine
now i'm shining too.
because oh because
i've fallen quite hard
over you.
if i didn't know you
i'd rather not know
if i couldn't have you
i'd rather be alone.

all of the while i never knew
all of the while
it was you.

[landon pigg]
____________________________________

sometimes,
affection is a shy flower
that just takes time
to blossom.
[becoming jane]


























































. . .























"til I see you"
[hillsong united]