happy new year.

Resolutions:

• Stay single.
• Run everyday.
• Run a half marathon this summer.

______________________________________________________________

I am the biggest loser ever. I am sitting at home, by myself, on new years eve. I worked from four until quarter after nine and had about fifty things I could've done or places I could've gone or people I could've hung out with tonight, but I'm horribly sick. At work tonight, I could barely stand up and had to take about five five- or ten-minute breaks so that I could let my head clear. Once I went outside it got better but I still feel like crap.
So here I am, sitting at home, watching a movie, drinking hot tea, and painting my nails by myself.

better than yours.

My new years will be better than yours for the following reasons...

• I will be sober.
• therefore I will remember.
• I am earning money and still getting to go out.
• I'm hanging out with my friends, my real friends, my friends who never left.
• I'm going to have fun without you.
• I have about four other plans to choose from.
• I'm bringing in the new years without you, without strings, without burdens, without a rollercoster relationship.
• you'll have exactly what you want: to be alone.

Happy New Year : )


____________________________________________________________________
EDIT:

• I won't have a hang over tomorrow either.
  

Old stuff

I went digging through old things tonight and found several things. The first time he and I broke up, I used to write emails to him and then never send them. Perhaps it sounds pathetic but it was therapeutic. I went through and looked through them today, thought maybe that would be a bit healing to remember that I was once in the position I am in now and I got over it all. It did take a while and I do believe the circumstances were a bit different, but I know I am capable. It's just the doing it part. I do believe this time around though, it will be easier for me. I will be so busy in a week when I return to school and continue on with newly single life.
Some things I found on there I thought I would share...

Don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you where something different
That's when it all just fell apart
Like you're so perfect
And I can't measure up
Well I'm not perfect
Just all messed up
I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
It's not like I need somebody
Telling me where I should go at night
Don't worry you'll find somebody
Someone to tell how to live their life
[the veronicas - everything i'm not]

I remember when we used to write emails to each other all the time.
I remember when I used to send you letters to school all the time, even though half of them never got to you... & I really wish they would've.
I remember how we used to be crazy about each other, and it wasn't a problem, we were allowed to tell people and show it.
I remember we used to make people jealous.
I'm scared to death to go to school. I don't want to go away and leave you. I can't wait to get away from Hillsdale and leave everyone else behind, leave the drama and the people, and the small town atmosphere. But I don't want to leave you. I don't want to forget about you, I don't want anyone else, I don't want to "find better" or even look for better. I can't imagine anything happening with anyone but you. I don't want to kiss, touch, hug, love, get it on with anyone else. I don't want you to leave, I don't want to spend the night without you.
[unsent email]

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
[michelle branch - goodbye to you]

I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart
[pink - long way to happiness]



Okay so I guess they're mainly just lyrics and stuff. But still, just reading over them helped.
Also, while browsing through my gmail inbox, I found several other old old emails, obviously.



I love you baby and I NEVER want you to forget that(: Even when we're old and gray:D And when our kids are all grown up and they own eye company's and are producin music and .......well, you get the idea:P :D I love you gorgeous

YOUR superman,

David
[sept 18, 2008]

If I didn't have you I would be nothing. Because you bring out the best in me, and that's EXACTLY how it's supposed to be. You make me want to be better for you too(: Because it's hard to measure up to what I think that you need. And you NEVER cease to amaze me with how witty you are(: You're just the BEST in the whole wide fuckin world, and I couldn't ask for any better(: Thanks for being there for me Steph, it means everything to me(:

Yours forever,

David

P.S. I will always be your Superman
[sept 25, 2008]

Hey there... I just wanted to tell you that I hope we get back together by summer. 'Cause I think that when we get back together that'll solve a lot of our problems that we have right now. I mean, yeah there might still be problems when we get back together. What couple doesn't have problems? I just don't feel like we can be happy again until BOTH of us through our ALL into the relationship and try to make it work. I wanted to send this in an e-mail before I forgot how to word it. 'Cause that always happens to me when we're talkin on the phone:P Any ways, I'll ttyl tonight.
[apr 15, 2008]

And.... believe it or not, I still miss you. It won't go away. You don't understand. I can't lose you! You are the foundation of me. If you're gone I will crumble. And I just want it to be like it used to be. When I would say I miss you, and you would say I miss you too... And when I could say I love you knowing that you are IN LOVE with me too. I know that I screwed up, and I know that I need to do a lot to gain that trust back. I want to so bad... I want you so bad.

When I lay down at night, I lie down in regret

When I sleep at night, I dream that you'll forget

When I go through my day, I wonder what you're feeling

When I talk to you at night, I wonder if I'm appealing

When I come home, I hope with me you're revealing ;)

When I think of what I did to you, I get down kneeling

I wanta beg all day, beg that you'll forgive

'Cause every day you don't, that's one more day I don't live

I wanta be your man, your comfort, your getaway

From all the drama, the people, so in my arms you'll stay

If I get that grip again, I'll NEVER let go

No matter what happens, I will forever let you know

That you are my girl, and it was meant to be like this

Only me and you, so we could live a life of bliss
[apr 17, 2008]

But I've been thinkin about you a lot and I realized something... I won't be happy without you. You've brought me so much happiness in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you(: Well, I'd be nowhere prolly. I wouldn't have the ambition or the confidence that I have now if it wasn't for you challenging me with everything that I do. I just wanta let you know that I can't be without you. I really really hope that this is all over soon and me and you can be amazingly in love again. It makes me ashamed of myself to think for one second that I could be without you:( I'm so sorry Stephanie... I mean that with all my heart.
[may 2. 2008]

Perhaps these things are old so therefore they are not significant but ... I would argue that they are. And sorry if this offends anyone at all. It shouldn't because who reads this anyways?

Moving on.
Today Sarah and Mara and I met up at Somerset and just caught up. It was fantastic. Amy Luke dropped in and gave us some much needed advice. It was wonderful and I really miss going back there... It was definitely something I really needed.

Learning // thoughts

You learn a lot about yourself when you don't have anyone to share it with...
Sounds odd, but it's so true. You begin not thinking about what used to be the significant other and instead focusing on what you want to do or how you want to become; it molds you into the person you want to become without that other person.
Does that even make sense?
For example, I have learned that I take much to heart when it comes to people and what they say. If someone says they'll be there, I trust and expect them to be there. If someone says they will follow through with something, I 100% trust that they will do so. I suppose that at some points this can be a good thing. It demonstrates that I trust people and allow them to have responsibility. It also can be a bad thing because most times, people do not feel it necessary to follow through with what they have stated previously. Sometimes I put too much trust into people which brings me to the next thing I've learned about myself.
Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
I forgive quite easily for the most part. I am good about allowing people second chances. This has its advantages and disadvantages as well. It shows that I am becoming stronger in my walk with God and that I am willing to toss things aside that should be forgiven. It has disadvantages though in that someone would take advantage of the fact that I allow second or third or fourth chances. I don't believe I've fully taken on the duty of forgiveness. I have accepted that forgiveness is something that should be important and a large part of my life. I don't believe I understand that with forgiveness comes common sense, so that I learn to forgive and not put myself in the same situation... : P I'll get there eventually : )

Something I'm very proud of myself right now for doing while juggling school (this started a while ago, I know I'm on break so it doesn't exactly apply) is that I feel that I am really striving and hungry for a strong foundation and relationship with Christ and to really further and develop my walk with the Lord. I want to go to church. I want to pray. I want to listen to worship songs. I want to learn how to study the Bible. I want to really make Jesus the biggest priority of my life and honor Him with all that I have.
It's a commitment.
But I want it : )

& now I have more than enough time to do that.

Some time ago, I was discussing an issue with a friend from school. I was having problems with my then boyfriend and whether or not we should continue dating. I didn't like who he had become over the last year and though he had said he was trying to change because he didn't like whom he had become either, I didn't feel it necessary to continue to date him if he was dragging me through his time of change when I could be bettering myself as well. She talked about her one and only relationship she'd ever had and how they decided it wasn't meant to be so they broke it off mutually. One of the things she did rather than mope around and think about him was she spent time with God instead. She channeled all the hurt and pain and loneliness into developing a deeper relationship with Christ and really finding out who she was and whom she wanted to become.

That's what I want to do.
And I'm trying.

Untitled

Sometimes, I don't understand one's purpose in life. Other times, it's as blunt as my sister, whom I will add is extremely outspoken.
In life you live and then you die, and the in between is completely up to yourself. There have been many different instances this break that has really taught me a lot about life in general. I've learned to really value my life and not take it for granted. There have been so many deaths recently that I feel were quite out of the ordinary and unexpected. Not to mention they occurred so closely to holidays that it must be so very difficult to deal with, I find myself having trouble coming to terms with it, and I am of no relation to losses.
Tyler Nichols, the son of a close friend and co-worker of my grandmother's, died on Christmas evening at the young age of 23 due to cancer. They found it within this past year or so. He was a senior at GVSU. I can't imagine losing anyone close to me, especially that young. I know I would be unable to function at all for several days, perhaps weeks. It just makes me appreciate the people who are a part of my life and who I keep nearest to my heart.
After watching The Bucket List so many times these past few days (thank you Chelsea), I have also learned that life is about taking chances, living it to the fullest, and having no regrets. I don't have any regrets, everything that has happened to me has made me who I am today and I will continue to be shaped and molded throughout the rest of my life. As far as taking chances, that one I am still learning a bit more apprehensively. Living it to the fullest, I believe I have got that down... now it's just meeting all of the goals and expectations I have compiled for myself : )
Tonight, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, a movie with Brad Pitt (yum) and Cate Blanchett that tells of how a boy is born as an older man and rather than aging, he grows younger as his age (number) increases. It was a fantastic story at first, I was hooked. Three hours later, 159 minutes to be exact, I found myself disliking the movie. My problem with movies is that I do not like them if they turn out with an ending I don't like or if ever carried out realistically, do not meet my expectations. Basically, if it's extremely sad or someone dies, I hate the movie (I end up not liking a lot of movies). After that movie, which contained many fantastic quotes and I'm ecstatic to look them up on IMDB in a few weeks, I found myself in a horrible mood due to the happenings of the movie. Yes, overall it was a good movie and I would definitely reccomend seeing it if you can pencil in a movie during a three hour time block you many have open, but I still did not like it...


Okay, that's enough for tonight.

Have a jolly Christmas........ ha, yeah.

• hypocrite.
• you'll read this.
• we could make it.
• liar.
• selfish
• regrets
  

This is just a list of reminders to discuss in this blog, in no particular order.










I thought we could make it.
I was told we could make it, not only by you, but by friends, family, and myself. I believed 100% that we could pull this off. I made it when you were ten hours away, what's a measly hour? Well that's the thing: I made it. I should've figured it out then, that you were never as strong as you appeared.
I am not writing this blog to rip on you. I'm not writing this blog to talk smack about you via internet. Who reads this anyways, other than you? And you read them on rare occasions. The only way this could be me talking bad about you is if the person reading it knew every detail to our entire story, which isn't in existence anymore. I'm writing this because this is my personal blog to write what I please. You chose to view this site, knowing I more than likely published something in relation to what recently occurred. So for you to be upset about this post is really quite out of order.

Continuing on...

___________________________________________________________________

hyp⋅o⋅crite

/ˈhɪpəkrɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hip-uh-krit]
–noun

1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
   

___________________________________________________________________


This is the main point of my post. One thing you have stated about me is that I am flawed in the sense that I cannot admit my flaws. I would say this is false. I may not admit all of my flaws but I do admit some of the larger ones. For example, I have a difficult time admitting I am wrong (ha). I am a hypocrite. I am often selfish about things such as my future or my career. But what is funny is that I was accused of all of the above and yet you are the same way. I was accused and blamed for issues that we had because of these problems that I had ... but wait, you had them too.
You always said I was selfish and you gave all you had, 100% into our relationship. Who is being selfish? You said so many times all you wanted me to do was admit my feelings, tell you I needed you, wanted you, missed you; I do this and instead of being "rewarded" so to speak, you break up with me. And the reason? "To be alone." If this is not selfish, I don't know what is.

What really bothers me is the lying...
I never lied about anything. Everything I ever said I fully meant. Something I realized is that even over the summer when things were really bad, I really wanted us to work deep down, I was just unwilling to allow it to happen for fear of all of this happening again. And look where it got me... What gets me is what you said and what you actually meant. How much was real? How much did you really mean? What were you expecting out of all of this?

I guess what I mean to say is that I really really really really really dislike you super greatly right now (because hate is too strong and don't like is no where near strong enough). I don't want to accept this, I don't want it to be like this. I want you to come back and say, "Wow, I was a real dick for pulling this on you and I'm so sorry and will you please forgive me and come back to me." But at the same time, if that were to happen, I would want to slap you across the face and exchange a few choice words along with a stiff, cold shoulder.

One thing that is perhaps cocky, rude, or way out of line of me to say is that you're going to regret this. Someday I hope you realize that you made a mistake. I am going somewhere, I am going to be something and make something of my life... and I wanted you to be a part of it. I wanted you to come with me, to be with me throughout it, to help me through it. But you don't want to, so you aren't going to. And someday, you'll get it. You'll hear about me and I'll be long gone...




That was extremely cocky.
But I don't care.

Sort of like you...








Oh yeah, ps.
Merry Christmas.
it really wasn't what I would call merry though..

But Happy Birthday Jesus : )

almost.

for so long i tried to reach you
i know i'm almost there
i'm close enough for you to see
you've been hiding in the shadows
have you forgotten how we used to dream
let me remind you
the light doesn't blind you at all
it just helps you see
can you see

a moment in your arms became the reason why
and you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
the only one i need until my dying breath
and i would give you everything just to
feel your open arms
and i'm not sure i believe anything i feel
my head lies to my heart
and my heart it still believes
it seems the ones who love us are the ones
that we deceive
but you're changing everything

you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
we've been so lost for so long
i don't know how to get back again
and we're drowning in the water
that flows under the bridge
when you're fighting the current
you forget how to live
and i wanted to reach you
but i didn't know where to begin
and you remain
a promise unfulfilled until today

and i didn't think about
all the ways i hurt you and myself
and i wouldn't say a thing to you
i keep it to myself in my mind
and i can't stand without you
and i won't find the answers
when you're gone
but it's over to you
i can't find the answers when you're gone
and it's over to you
but you can't find the answer where you are
and you know i need you now
and this ain't easy to admit
but no one needs to know
what goes on behind
the door in my room
i'm kicking through the walls in my mind
and I can't stand without you
and I won't find the answers
when you're gone
but it's over to you
you can't find the answers where you are

thought i couldn't live without you
it's gonna hurt when it heals too
it'll all get better in time
and even though i really love you
i'm gonna smile cause i deserve to
it'll all get better in time

i'll have a blue Christmas without you
i'll be so blue thinking about you
decorations of red on a green Christmastree
won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me
and the when those blue snowflakes start fallin'
that's when those blue memories start callin'
you'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
but i'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

i don't need a lot of presents
to make my Christmas bright
i just need my baby's arms
wound around me tight
oh oh Santa hear my plea
Santa bring my baby back to me
it sure won't seem like Christmas
until my baby's here
you wanna make me happy and fill my heart with joy
then Santa, hear my plea
Santa bring my baby back to me

everything is gonna be alright.
everything is gonna be alright.
everything is gonna be alright.
be strong, believe.

in a nutshell.

Just a few things to think about, I guess.

[sum 41 - with you]

I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you
I'd wait here forever just to,
To see you smile
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you

Through it all
I've made my mistakes
I stumble and fall
But I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken
Forever in vow
And pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so
I won't let this go
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you

All the streets,
where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
Have come to an end

I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find
What you will find

I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you

a ringtone? no?

death cab for cutie: plans.
ring a bell?

I don't have anything in particular on my mind, I just felt like writing to you(: I guess I could tell you that I'm grateful that we are where we are. Especially considering all that has taken place to lead up to where we are:S Nonetheless, I am happy once again(: And I like being happy. I like that you make me happy. I like that when I think of you I smile(: I think of us and I get a warm feeling inside:P But for real, I do. I like picturing us in the future, as long as we're together. My life seemed..... not necessarily pointless without you, but I was definitly lost. Nothing felt right. It was kinda just like, what's the point?

I guess what I'm trying to say is. I don't ever wanta let you go again. We may have hard times in the future, yes. But unless I have a reason that I honestly cannot turn away from, I will never make the same mistake that I did this last January. I want to stick it out with you. It's a great feeling being able to say that we worked out all the kinks and stuck it out through "thick 'n' thin"(:
[email, "ello love (:," 11/20/08: 11:40 AM]

[secondhand serenade - fall for you]

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Oh

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

dead on.

p.s. I will be There for You : )
[email, "(no subject)," 10/16/08: 2:40 PM]

[seether featuring amy lee - broken]

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
from the start.

So I don't really know what the main point of this e-mail was. I guess I'm just tellin you how I feel about it. Not tryin' to start anything. 'Cause I still love you, and I don't wanna lose you again.
[email, "well hi there," 12/01/08: 8:34 AM]

p.s. I'm not giving up if you won't : )
[letter, 10/708-10/9/08]

obsessions.

• andy warhol
  they're doing a special on him on some tv channel called ovation. It's a special, three-part series about him. I first learned of Andy Warhol in art class senior year and became a bit obsessed with his work. Brandi and I rented Factory Girl one night and that created even more of an obsession. I read a book about him senior year and his life and his works. I think he is a man of genius and also of obsession. I love the bluntness and simplicity of his work; he creates masterpieces. Though he was a bit crazy, he was very smart. He created many stars, but did it at his expense. I just find his life to be extremely interesting, along with the lives of those who worked with him.
  
• purple fingernails
  I got some fingernail polish from the girls for my birthday : D red and purple. Perfect.
• television.
  it appears that this is something that has been taken away from me, aside from Thursday nights (Office, ER). I do miss tv greatly... and it's all I've been doing over break.
• coffee
  without caffiene, I cannot function. I've begun to drink coffee at every meal- lunch and dinner (we don't get breakfast at school unless we make it ourselves). No one at home drinks coffee but I got my fix, thanks to David : )
  
• sleeping in
  I NEVER GET TO DO THIS.
• putting off homework.
  which is not a good thing.

: ) // : (

[ : ) ] Smiles to...

: ) care packages.
: ) breaks between classes.
: ) chem hw being due on sat.
: ) phi delt.
: ) halloweeeeeeen : D.
: ) winter coming!
: ) painted fingernails.
: ) meatloaf at bb.
: ) TRI BETA♥
: ) "baby you can have whatever you'd like"
: ) sales at jcpenny's.
: ) money from the rents.
: ) insomnia cookies!!
: ) youtube videos of people getting hit in the head by random objects, such as soccer balls, blows to the face by a break dancer, falling off a couch and biffing the wall, etc.
: ) claire!
: ) working outt//running//5-8 min abs
: ) OSU GETTING BEAT!
: ) Thursday nights (OFFICE)
: ) friday nights/early sat mornings.
: ) sunday brunch.



[ : ( ] frowns to...

: ( exams.
: ( 2 am bedtimes.
: ( fire drills at betsy.
: ( 8 am classes.
: ( having chem hw.
: ( living in a sauna.
: ( living in a closet.
: ( having no money.
: ( our football season.
: ( Rich Rodriguez.
: ( my baby, mcguffie getting hurt.
: ( threet throwing three interception.
: ( big jujyfruits.
: ( being sore after weightlifting.
: ( dirty looks in the free weight weight room.
: ( girls with the first name chelsea and the last name beginning with fort and ending with in.
: ( friday days.
: ( my mobile command center.
: ( customer service gals with a name like Lokschmanna.
: ( wireless internet incapabilities.


i believe that was one of the longest smile/frown lists everrrr.
but i had to catch up.
and claire helped anyways : )

College 101. Freshie Status. Get it.

Wow, has it been a while.

I miss blogging like no other. Though I look at other people's blog and I wish I could write as they do, I figure I do this more for me than I do for other people too look in on my life and try to pry.

I will say that college is one of the most life altering experiences. You're given so much freedom and independence at the same time and thrown into a whirlwind of situations, social expectations, and experimentation. We are expected to learn to fend for ourselves, fight our own battles, and start over while at the same time, keep up in classes, study ridiculous amounts, and read our professor's minds on the paper they want us to write.
Don't get me wrong, college is a time of living, learning, loving, partying, eating, and experimenting. I would say overall, it is a time of rebirth.

I miss those high school days though, surprisingly. Mom and Dad would cook for us, buy for us, fight for us, provide for us, and now we are thrown into doing it ourselves. It's a fantastic learning experience, just a difficult one to transition into.

I went back and looked through some old things that I still had around and discovered things I had long locked away for old time's sake. At the same time, I found myself yearning to back where I was at that point in my life.



I don't quite understand the purpose of this blog, except to say, I miss the old times.

Is 15% too much to ask? Consider this my two weeks notice, or perhaps, two hours..

I am writing this post on behalf of all of those who work in the food service and receive ridiculous wages on top of cheap tips because the general public lacks the common and proper knowledge of how to deal with those who handle their food. It is my wish that all people casually report what they typically tip their servers before I fetch their drinks, thus saving me the time and effort to milk them of their earnings which are quite significant compared to my minute "income" that I've been blessed with every weekend for the past four or five months.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I even have a job. But in order for me to consider even sticking around for that job, it has to be worth it, and lately, my job has been anything but worth it.

Perhaps the fact that Hillsdale is anything but thriving has limited our "rush" of business that so enthralls the walls of our oh-so fabulous establishment operating on Main Street. It's also quite possible that it is as the owner of the two bars (Jackson and Hillsdale) who resides in Jackson that he is correct in proposing that the reason sleezy Hillsdale is so lacking in business is not due to its failure to launch a booming economy like the rest of our fortunate state, but because the service is inadequate and does not meet the standards of the Jackson bar. Have I mentioned that in the year and nine months that I have been employed at the bar that I have never once met, nor seen the owner? Naturally, he would be capable of pinpointing the exact reason as to why we are operating at such a low point during such an unprofitable period in the dinky town the rest of the employees of the local bar reside in.

Excuse my rampage; back to the original purpose of this post...

I've been working every weekend for the past ... summer. I have learned much in these past three months such as how to count back change, how to deal with extremely rude and ungrateful public, and how to make fantastic fruity drinks that are overpriced and often lead to less than appealing consequences. I've also learned how to sterotype a person and attempt to guess whether or not the customer will be a decent tipper, or a pleasant person in general. I've learned what to say when someone is overstepping their boundries after a few too many, and that the world is not a generous place.
I'd just like to know if it's really that difficult to shell out a few more bucks if you can afford to eat at our bar; you are only providing a small amount to what is my source of income and what has not been much of a source of income for the past four months. I made twice as much as I make now when I worked as a hostess, and I only worked 10 hours a week. There's something wrong with that picture, if you ask me.

And to those cheap college boys who ridiculously left $0.75 a piece, please keep your charity. I do not wish to receive your apologies from your daddy's bank account because you're too busy spending it on liquor to look wealthy and demand attention. It's not attractive when you can hold your liquor but cannot hold your ego or manners when working with someone who deals with what you drink or eat.

I'll be seein' you..

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird." Noah Calhoun, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks.

Perhaps the best love story is The Notebook written by the famous Nicholas Sparks; everyone can agree on that most definitely. Deep down, everyone wants a love like that, even a pessimistic, bratty, selfish person like myself.

The thing is, I had a love like that. David and I were extremely similar to "Noah and Allie" in the story. We were mad about each other, we were goofy about it, cute, and fought every five mintues about nothing in particular. I suppose the fighting made us human. Watching this movie is like a blast from the past. It's the one thing that can actually make me reconsider all of my thoughts, feelings, and theories about love and its baggage it entails.

Perhaps if I watch it enough, it'll knock enough sense in me to return to my old ways, or even accept the fact that marriage isn't that bad...

Beijing 2008

I love it whenever its the year for the Olympics, any Olympics really, summer or winter. Perhaps I'm just following the crowd and it may sound a bit cliche but I do believe it is one of those times where the world can come together and forget about the troubles for a few months that are naturally always occurring in the fantastic world we live in today.

From the summer, I always enjoy watching the gymnastics, track, swimming, diving, and tennis. From the winter, I like to watch the snowboarding, figure skating, speed skating, hockey, and many others from both. I know you were dying to know that and I'm not quite sure why I shared that..

Well anyways..
There's one thing I do not appreciate about the Olympics is the commentating. The announcers drive me absolutely nuts. They're always extremely negative and rude about things. For example, I was watching the gymnastics and one of the girls from Romania I believe fell off of the beam and they were discussing an old Romanian gymnast who was there to watch and how she just "never would've fallen off like that." Okay first off, I wanna see you (commentator) try and make your body twist and contort in those ridiculous ways that those gymnasts do. Second, let's see you train and prep for the things these gymnasts go through. Third, you're a commentator! You're job requirements enlist you to do nothing but run your mouth the entire time so there are no awkward silences during the games. I appreciate their services and the fact that they sit around all day and watch these fantastic events all day long in exclusive areas of the world, surrounded by phenomenal athletes, and wear microphones and headsets all day while they flap their jaws.

Something I do love about the Olympics, you watch them, and you can't help but get butterflies in your stomach for those athletes, especially when its the USA. It's even more exciting if it's an upset, such as the Olympic swim team for the 4x100 relay. France sat and talked of how they were coming to "smash the USA." Well as they led, we came back in the last 50m and kicked France's butt. You can't do anything but raise your arms and feel something minutely similar to what they're feeling.

It makes me proud to be an American when those things happen, proud to allow these athletes to represent our country.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to marry Michael Phelps anyways. He goes to U of M, that boosts my chances a little, right?

: )

First Year in Coll

I have really been counting down the days 'til I leave (18) and have been convincing myself of several things to check off a list as soon as I got to my new "home." I figured that since I am pretty popular with lists, I should probably publish it publicly here on my listed blog.

So here is my list of things to do during the first year of college.

__________________________________

1st Year of College to do List

• pass my classes. I'm hoping for a B-C average :S
• stay up 'til five am with my bffs ;P
• study all night in the Library (I have a feeling this will happen a lot).
• make midnight coffee runs.
• make midnight snack runs.
• make midnight runs.
• puddle some more :D
• meet lots of new people.
• attend a few parties here and there.
• go to a football game & tailgate.
• scream nasty, horrible, un-Christian like remarks to the opposing hockey team at home games.
• attend a protest.
• go to a club.
• go on spring break to somewhere extremely warm during February.
• schedule no 10 am classes.
• meet Michael Phelps (hey, a girl can dream).
• do something wild and crazy ... I haven't quite come up with it quite yet. It's going to be one of those things where I just say, "Hey, this is something wild and crazy and I just know I have to do it."
• join a crazy club, like Squirrel Watching.
• Become fluent in Italian.
• Get a tattoo.
• Have a damn good time.

__________________________________

I'm sure I'll be adding much, much, much more to this list as I go.

I love lists : )

Bimbo's

My new favorite show is Chelsea Lately on E! News. It's a talk show that takes a comical twist where she just constantly makes fun of people and is extremely obnoxious about it.

Tonight was a show with the Olly girls from Sunset Tan, some reality show about people who spray tan in California (pathetic and ridiculous that people are entertained by the occupation of those who spray fake tans on other people for a living when they live in California. Whatever). But back to these two girls. I had never head of them until this episode of Chelsea Lately. I guess their names are Molly and Holly and they got fired from working at the tanner because they threw a party at their boss' house and he wasn't supposed to find out but he did so he fired them.
Evidently, the girls thought they did no wrong.
I don't understand that. It's all a play, to get attention and stay focused on the two blondes who have boobs, a tan, and lack brains. Is it attractive? Do people really find that to be a valuable quality to possess?

Whatever, this show is fantastic though : )

"The List"

Everyone has a list of things to do before they die.. and if you don't, you're lying. It may not be on paper, but you have an idea of several feats you wish to accomplish in your lifetime in your head. So I decided to publicly publish my list, right here for all to see. I'd like to add that many of these are plucked from a list I compiled in middle school and share the same ideas as I did a few years ago.. well a few. See note.





NOTE: The list below "The List" shows a list of things that were previously on the list, but have since been accomplished : )

________________________________________

The Official List to do Before I Die

• Become an eye doctor.
• Do something in fashion.
• Go bungee jumping.
• Meet a celebrity.
• Live in NYC.
• Visit the Pacific Ocean.
• Go to Italy.
• Visit Africa to provide eye care for children.
• Drive/ride in a lamborghini.
• Build and live in a log house that I designed and built (dream house).
• Learn how to surf.
• Own a pair of Jimmy Choo's.
• Run a marathon.
• Get stuck in an elevator.
• Shave my head, donate it to Locks of Love, and wear a wig.
• Get a tattoo.
• Sail around the world.
• Visit Ground Zero.
• Eat sushi.
• Get "Mud-puddled" by a moving vehicle.
• Save someone's life.
• Visit a country overseas (after Italy of course).
• Learn a new language fluently.
• Witness a miracle.
• Call a taxi.
• Sleep in a barn.
• Go cow tipping.
• Sleep in the back of a truck.
• Invent something.
• Dance on a table.
• Write a book.
• Be on television.
• Ride a subway.
• Learn how to ballroom and salsa dance.
• Design something.
• Pet an alligator or crocodile.
• Tell someone to "Follow that car!"

_____________________________

Previously on the List, but Since Been Accomplished

• Swim with the dolphins. (Bahamas Vacation 2008)
• Run a 5k. (XC Season)
• Go to college (Go blue!)
• Make out in the rain.
• Befriend someone I don't like.
• Build something made of wood.
• Win some type of contest.
• Sneak into an R-rated movie.
• Ride a motorcycle (real and crotch rocket).
• Tell someone off to their face.
• Go puddling (heck yeah July 1-3 orientation puddling associates).
• Fall in love : )
• Spend 24 hours with the one I love.
• Camp under the stars (several times).
• Repair something on my own.

Well, whatdya think? Am I capable? : )

Oh yeah, and the number one thing on that list, every single list (it was compiled and edited more than once, ya know)...

1.) Live for God.

_______________________

sometimes affection is a shy flower, it just takes time to blossom.
-becoming jane.

a little this, a little that.

randoms.

• I've officially decided that I could not go into a type of journalism. I can't come up with things to write anymore. I mean, my last post was the 24th, and before that, it was the 14th. Perhaps it's because I'm not in school right now so I don't really have any good things to reflect on or write about. I'm pretty sure that once I get to college, I'll have many stories to share and write about.
• Speaking of college, I am offically counting down the days until I leave for my much awaited getaway for the rest of my life. I have (count it) 25 days until I move into A² and get the sophistication of being a "college girl." You must admit that as a girl, entering the college atmosphere automatically entitles you to a certian sophistication that you can not achieve otherwise. I am allowed to wear dresses year round, and it's not considered "dressing up." I'm entitled to staying up 'til four am, and sleeping in until one pm, and this is normal. I'm authorized to sit in a coffee shop for hours at a time in tortise shell rimmed specs, sipping a latte, and surfing the web for interesting news stories and facts for the twenty page term paper I have to write for chemistry or biology or whatever. Bottom line: college girl sophistication=yesss.
• I'm so ready to get outta this town and get away from drama, ridiculously immature girls, boys, parents, workers, etc., and the boring Friday or Saturday nights I don't work when there is nothing to do. I know Ann Arbor has so much more to offer than the dinky town I currently reside in.
• I am finally starting to get scared of leaving my friends. Now that I know when everyone leaves, I'm counting down the days I leave as well as counting down the days I have to spend with my friends before saying bye...

I'm exhausted. Thanks. Thank you, yeah you know who... : )

some things never change..

One of the truest things that can be said about life in general is that above quote. I am not pessimistic about change, nor am I optomisitc. I've found change to be empowering at times
... and a sidenote, I'm watching Sex and the City and the episode is about change and how Big is an idiot who won't change for SJP, coincidence, yeah? ...
and I've also found change to completely tear me apart. I've come to fear change for the most part. I've learned that change can be a good thing, a positive thing, beneficial almost. I've also learned that change can bring out the worst in people, or the best.
Change recently has taken a toll both physically, mentally, and emotionally on my life. It has also brought about great things and unfortunate things all at the same time. At a time in my life when everything is about to change, I'm willing to embrace the fact that high school is over and done with, that the chapter of immature fights, drama, and hour's worth of homework- total. I am ready to move on to the chapter where I am an official adult, where I'm responsible for myself and only myself, and meeting the people that will most likely be present in the majority of the rest of my life. Perhaps I'm being too optomistic about the whole college scene, but I kind of have to be..

Change also comes in other ways, which include not so positive or beneficial ways.

Funny how everything and nothing can come together perfectly, but other ... things ... can't.

tanning lotion, mash, and prom dresses

Today was a great day. I caught up with a lot of friends and had a riot doing it.



First I went out to the lake and hung out with Lindlee; this included coffee, working on my tan, and the usual gossip and 411 about our lives. We talked about college, boys, friends, high school, and more college. After sunbathing for a few hours with much gossip as well, we left and I went home and cuddled up with a magazine and and a book as I waited 'til seven when our MASH night would begin : )

____________________________________________________


We had a blast. There are pictures on my facebook that enclose exactly what went on. First we got a movie ( I seem to have forgotten what it was though .. nope. Charlie Bartlett. Grrrreat movie! ) and then we got bored; so we played a little dress up. First was the cocktail dresses.. and the crowning : ) then we put on my prom dresses and went into town to Kroger's and had a tea party and looked at books as well as took ridiculous pictures and get countless, yet priceless stares as we paraded down the cereal and toy aisles. We then ventured to Mauck school to the playground where we proceeded to take a ridiculous amount of pictures doing random things that no one would understand but ourselves : )

Be jealous.
Be very, very, very jealous.

♥

When I grow up, I wanna be famous.

First off, great song : )



Second off, not true. I do not wish in any way to be famous. I think it would be extremely difficult to live up to the standards set by the press, the public, and fellow celebrities. I would not want to be placed in the spotlight with the constant unhealthy critisicm, the ridiculous amount of pressure, and still balance out my life, career, money, love interest(s), family etc.

Celebrities are forced to live up to the high specifications made by no one but ourselves; then when they crack under the continuous pressure, we point our fingers and critisize them even more and express our dissappointment.

___________________________________________________________________

This is an older post as well (the 12th) but I'm going to continue it. I'm pretty sure I can remember my thoughts on the subject.


I believe that unless you are born into stardom, it would be an extremely difficult and possible failure to adjust to the lifestyles they live; I'm sure the lavish parties, exclusive clubs, and unfathomable fashion is a definite plus to their daily lives. I'm talking about the gossip that surrounds them and keeping up their appearances as well as making appearances. There would be no privacy, everything would be exposed (ahem, A Night in Paris... need I say more?) Not to mention everyone would know who you were dating, the closest you've been to naked, and what underwear you recently purchased.

No thank you.

I'll just stick to my hickish, farmer-like, Hillsdale roots where one mention in the paper is the closest to stardom I will ever get.

Invincible.

There are many times I consider myself to feel invincible, that I can accomplish anything, that no one can tear me down or push me out of the way. Times like strutting down the driveway before I take of for a run, or when I piece together a killer outfit, or when I read something incredibly inspiring. A lot of times, I often feel invincible when I am with someone specific.



I used to feel that way when I was with David. Whenever he was around, I felt on top of the world, like I could save the world. No one could tell me no, no one could shut me down, I was going to to do whatever I wanted and would have taken whatever it took to get there.



This post is very old ... July 8th to be exact.

I still feel the same way, except now I'm not so invincible.

puddling with piddle

I just got back from orientation and a wonderful weekend at the lake : )

I don't know why I was nervous at all for orientation. It was an absolute blast. I learned so many different new things, got a taste of college, and met a bunch of new people. I honestly didn't want to leave at all.

They are definately some great things that happened, I can't wait to see what college has in store : D

• #1 memory by far is puddling/mudsliding in the Diag at 1230 am.
• the crappy breakfast, lunch, and dinner served at east quad. sucks to live there.
• kids from brazil/texas.
• "who were those hooligans playing in the rain last night?"
• roaming the streets at 10pm and bragging to mom and dad about it.
• euchre in the lounge.
• "did you guys go streaking on the M?"
• fudge bars : D
• cardgames in general.
• my michigan community discussions.
• the theatre production thing ... even though it was long.
• "do you know of any frat parties tonight?"
• candy bars : )
• karl's cat piddle.
• "fck detroit country day." "yeah, well where are you from?" "hillsdale." "yeah, well fck hillsdale."

the beginning of the new beginning

Corny much? I thought so myself.

But anyways..

I leave for orientation tomorrow. I'm spending the night up at Gram's :P then she'll take me in on Tuesday morning bright and early. Oh joy.
I'm extremely nervous, mainly because I've only found about six or seven kids who are going at the time of mine... I'm guessing because it's right before fourth of July but I figured it would still fill up. Ah well. It'll be easier to get to know people I suppose : )
The first day is all placement tests. This is the day I'm most nervous about which I suppose is good since it's the first day, and once those are out of the way, it's smooth sailing from there. I took the math placement the other day and realized that I never really did well in math ever and need to just cut that out of my life, which would be somewhat difficult considering I'm a waitress, considering I put gas into my car, considering ... you get the point. But I still wish I could cut out the unnecessary math courses I'm going to be taking the next few years....

I'm still nervous about meeting people too. I've grown up in the same small town my entire life, I've never really met anyone new unless someone introduces us, and I already know no one so that's going to be pretty hard to be introduced by no one. I'll just suck it up though.

I really don't know the purpose of this blog. So I'm going to stop writing. I suppose I just felt like blogging and had no topic to blog about....


Okay I'm stopping.
Now.

away with the summer days..

Today I somewhat ventured back in time to reunite with old ties, memories, and friends. Somerset Beach Campground is a place I grew up and found myself throughout my high school years. It taught me a lot about important situations and especially, a lot about God.
Throughout my years at Somerset, I shared some very fond memories with wonderful people who have since grown and left us to do as they did for us.

-crud wars.. this includes fistfulls of birdseed shoved down to the depths of my ear drum.
-the swim tests to be a "dolphin" or a "shark."
-the paddleboat trips to Fred♥ : ).
-any time we were in the gazebo.
-fingernail painting at cross hill.
-the peeing of the pants during night hikes ; ).
-the infamous tree.
-commando ... before purpling : (.
-stiffarms by blake davis.
-ex boyfriends invasion of privacy.
-<><. : ).
-grammy//oscar nights.
-the luau I never knew about.
-praise band.
-massive games of capture the flag at 9 pm ... before purpling.
-"Blake Davis, straight up and down," translated to "Blake Davis, Red Oak 5."
-tubing. : )
-ridiculous amounts of pictures.
-fast breaks to freddy's. : )
-praying mantis. : )
-creating a wannabe igloo on the frozen lake.


There's many more where that came from : )

Camp just wasn't the same at all, and I wasn't even there this week. It's interesting how much changes.

oops.

I forgot one that I missed from a few days ago or whatev.

• I miss "baby."

absence makes the heart grow fonder ♥

It's true, I can vow for that in several many ways. So I'm going to : )

I miss ... as follows ... in no particular order : )

• big wheels.
• cruise vacations.
• watching you play basketball.
• days at the ice cream shop with the heartbreaker and the bitch.
• camping in a pop up trailer.
• IYC times.
• day camps.
• tennis.
• peanut night at rayyys' : )
• going to the zoo.
• all day lake excursions : )
• painted fingernails.
• sleepover parties.
• pinatas.
• barbie dolls :DD
• cassette players. they never got ruined.
• olivia and zoe ♥♥
• cross country season.
• footie pajamas : )
• naps.
• snack times during school.
• RECESS!
• when my mother used to pack my lunches.
• michigan hockey games by the band.
• friday night football games.

values.

Values. Morals. Ethic. Honor. Regard. Respect.

A value is defined as


val·ue

/ˈvælyu/ [val-yoo] noun, verb, -ued, -u·ing.
–noun
1.
relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess.


I have high values, high standards, high morals. I don't lower them, I don't change them, they always stay the same. I want to do something with my life; I don't plan on wasting it away doing things that aren't worth, well, anything. I also value my time, I don't waste time unless I'm getting around for the day which can take anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour. But that's besides the point.
I try to hang around people who have the same morals and ethics as me. I don't want to surround myself with people who will try to change me, or persuade me to fall short of what I expect of myself. I want to be associated with people who are a good influence, who also have values, and who push me to be all that I can be so that in turn, I can do the same for them. I don't want friends who don't care, friends who push me aside, friends who don't have goals or aspirations. I want friends with drive, with goals, with feelings.
This is why I feel how I do on the subject that has been brought up. I don't want to be fantastic bff's with someone who partakes in these actions simply because I believe it shows their inabilities and their weaknesses. Is it so difficult as to resist until the legal age? Is it completely necessary to consume beverage to have a good time, to relax, or be depressed? It is a depressant so people who want to have fun with it just end up feeling bad eventually anyways. You have to have a backbone, you have to be able to stand up for yourself. Especially if I'm looking for someone to be more than friends.
When it comes to you on this subject, that's how I see it. You used to have the same exact values and goals as I did. You wanted to go to college, you wanted to get a good job and start a family and love someone with all of your heart. You didn't want to drink or smoke or do things illegally. You had your morals. And since then, that has changed. You let your guard down, you allowed someone else to change the very way your clock ticked. You felt that same way before I met you, I never convinced you to think otherwise. If anything, you instilled in me those values to be even more powerful and important to me. But then, you fell short. I continue to ignore the fact that you don't feel the same as I do on these subjects. I remember that feeling I got around you, how you felt around me, how crazy we were about each other.
Now that you have changed your ways, I don't know that I can continue to forget about these things. I'm not asking you to change again, because I know you're too stubborn to do so. I guess, I don't know. I suppose I am asking you to change, but I want you to do it on your own. I don't want to be the one to do it for you.
I already know that won't happen though.

a wave of ... all of the above?

Hmm. Tonight has been interesting so I'm feeling some self therapy right now.

Let's bring up old posts and copycat them a little.



Things I've come to love about myself include ...
[♥]my independence.
[♥]my determination.
[♥]my friendliness.
[♥]my legs : ).
[♥]my minute, yet growing artisitic ability :P.
[♥]that I am goal oriented.
[♥]my friends : ).
[♥]my family, for the most part.
[♥]that I can write.
[♥]that I will stick up for myself.
[♥]that I'm open to new things and learning.
[♥]that I lovvvve music.
[♥]my drive.
[♥]my optomisim

Though I'm not a fan of...
[x]my perfectionist side.
[x]my outlook on love.
[x]my outlook on marriage.
[x]my unwillingness to comprimise.
[x]being stubborn.
[x]my inability to project my feelings.
[x]that I can't sing : (.
[x]that I don't have mad guitar hero or ddr skills.
[x]that I was never aggressive enough in soccer.
[x]that I have to grow up.




I think this is the end.
Unfortunately.
It was good,
while it lasted.

close friends & kayaks : )

A small dose of bff's often does the trick.

Warning: Trips to the upperly northern part of the lower peninsula can cause abrupt and sudden cause of ridiculous behavior and photographs. Along with some pretty trippy conversations and memories never to be forgotten. : )


Some randoms from this weekend...

• kayaking @ 11 pm. approximately.
• "who's it from?" (referring to txt msgs).
• love&basketball.
• running. okkay, hk, mack, and aud's running. my sleeping in.
• blowing fuses in the loft.
• washing dishes.
• being "hood."
• shopping when the weather wouldn't cooperate : (.
• kayaking some more.
• tugging hk & mack back to the dock. behind kayaks.
• late night storytelling.
• bathroom reads.
• ice cream. x2.
• wendy's : )
• audrey's ridiculous consumption of junk food!!! (okkay ... she indulged on two s'mores PLUS some roasted marshmallows!).
• mack's obsession with h2o bottles.
• dance parties.
• euchre!!!.
• card games in general.

I have some of the best friends ever. Even if they are freshman, my bad, sophomores. Even if they run mile after mile. Even if they stay here while I venture to UMich. Even if we don't have the full effect of a dance party. Even if one can run with the boys. Okay, two. Nope, three. Even if it's 49 degrees out and we're wondering around in shorts, flip flops, and rainnn.

I love MASH.

Mackenzie (Model).
Audrey (Accelerator).
Stephanie (Storyteller).
Hilary (Hottie).

♥♥

& I want to be known for my hits not just my misses...

I have officially been graduated from high school eight days ago today : )
Whooooooo.
I have yet to cry, yet to regret, yet to wish I was back. I don't want to return or relive my high school memories. I don't want to dwell on the past.

My little sister is going to be a junior in high school; she's gone through a lot in the ten years of schooling that she's had. Everyone has their ups and downs, but my mom has always told us to move on from the bad and remember the good. She talks about how we should be remembered for being a good, friendly, kind person, not by how popular, or cute, or flirtacious we were. I have found this to be one of the most important things to learn in high school. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who had the most boyfriends, or the girl who had the ridiculously large closet and never wore the same outfit twice. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who had the best weed or biggest parties; not as the one with the coolest car or the largest collection of purses. I especially don't want to be known as a fake, flakey, shady person.
I do want to be remembered as the girl who was approachable, someone you could count on and trust. I want to be remembered as the girl who wasn't stuck up, who talked to everyone, who was loyal. Someone who didn't lie or cheat or steal, someone who was polite, bubbly, and always said hi. I want people to think of me as a friend, someone who cared genuinely and openly and was willing to listen to anyone who was willing to talk.

Material things in life aren't important, they dissappear in an instant and don't last long enough. Friendship, loyalty, trust, these can all be carried out throughout one's lifetime. You don't need to purchase trust these days, though sometimes, friendship is bought out (which is sad).

Most importantly, hold your head high. Be yourself, don't fall short. Don't be a role model because you can get into the VIP parties or your dad has sweet car or celeb hook ups like those brats on that 16th birthday show. Be remembered for being you, all of you, and nothing less : )

2 cool 2 do drugs & alcohol

I remember that little bee-looking-bug-thing that used to visit our kindergarten classes, sharing the harmful effects of drugs and alcohol. I remember learning the sweet saying, "Too cool to use drugs and alcohol" along with the super cool hand motions. I remember seeing the pills called ectasy that looked like candy and learning that drinking and driving was a big no.
Funny how almost no one else recalls these visits, probably because they've fried their brains on the uses of drugs and alcohol.

What I really don't understand that goes on in the minds of someone intoxicated is why they choose to pick up their keys. I've heard different reasons... they're sober enough to drive, they are a good drunk driver, it's fun ... those are all gay. and a half. What people don't understand is they're opening the doors for harm to occur to other people.
I know a girl who was simply driving her friend home on a Sunday afternoon when she got into a horrible car accident. At a two-way stop intersection, a drunk person neglected the stop sign and crashed into her side of the car. She almost died. And he walked away ... more of stumbled ... after resisting arrest. Now what is "fun" about the possibility of manslaughter or jail time?

I work at a bar and all the time, I watch people who are too inebriated to drive pull their keys out of their pockets, down the rest of their beer, and then walk across the bar as if there's nothing wrong.





I got distracted. And now I can't remember my thought process behind all of this.
So I'm done : )

oldies but goodies : )

10 years ago I ...

1. was eight years old.
2. used to fight over who sat next to a specific girl at lunch time.
3. sat on my sandwiches with adri mae.
4. had a teddy bear border that decorated my wall.
5. wore massively huge glasses that covered the majority of my face. we're taking wayy past jackie o's most humongous glasses everrrr.

5 years ago I ...

1. was thirteen years old.
2. had my first ever boyfriend.
3. didn't know who I was.
4. experienced my first ever classmate death.
5. was still wearing those lovely glasses, not so big though.

1 year ago I ...

1. was seventeen years old.
2. was madly in love.
3. had the same curfew I do now ( I don't want to talk about it, really ).
4. couldn't stand high school.
5. was itching to graduate.

Yesterday ...

1. babysat for my cousins.
2. killed the beginning of a bee's nest (whooo!).
3. got a lovely sunburn.
4. went out with my parents for the second night in a row.
5. really wanted to see What Happens in Vegas : (

5 snacks I like ...

1. peach/strawberry/banana smoothies : ) : )
2. my little pony fruit snacks :DD neeeeeigh.
3. bagels w/ cream cheese.
4. cannnndy. :DD
5. pretzels

5 songs I know all the words to ...

1. "cyclone" baby bash.
2. "broken" lifehouse.
3. anything by chris daughtry.
4. "i will follow you into the dark" death cab for cutie.
5. "boston" augustana.

If I had a million dollars ...

1. I would invest it and live off of the interest.
2. sadly, go on a massive shopping spree :DD but not just for me, for my friends and family too : )
3. buy a house in Italy.
4. book 4 or 5 cruise vacations, yeeeeeah. : )
5. give to a charity or seven : )

5 things I would never wear ...

1. a water bra.
2. fake nails.
3. a bonnet.
4. a see through top.
5. leather pants ... exception: halloween costumes.

Favorite tv shows ...

1. the hills ... yeah i know.
2. quarterlife.
3. ace of cakes. that show rocks my socks off.
4. live with regis and kelley. when i get up early enough.
5. heroes.

5 biggest joys ...

1. Running.
2. summer <33.
3. reading a fantastic book.
4. olivia ann and zoe ellen mccomas : )
5. graduating high school!! :DD.

now check out the one I did ... two or three years ago I believe?

10 years ago:
1. I was an little six year old(:
2. I had my first crush<33.>

5 years ago:
1. I still wore glasses :P
2. I was eleven
3. I played basketball with the boys :D
4. I was just getting into soccer (whooooa)
5. I was fiiiiinally starting to learn boys didn’t have kooties ;-)

1 year ago:
1. I was a stinky freshman :P
2. Zoe was born(:
3. I had my longest relationship … only relationship :P
4. I was with Sarah Ann Sessions evvvery Saturday night :P (oh boy)
5.

Yesterday:
1. I had the flu
2. all I had to eat was chicken noodle soup … and that was about two bites
3. I fell asleep to napoleon Dynamite
4. I slept most of the day
5. I was out of school :D

5 snacks I like:
1. Pizza rolls
2. toast with peanut butter(:
3. milk :P
4. yogurt (what can I say, I can be a health nut :P)
5. cannnnndy (I never said all the time)

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. Anything by the Goo Goo Dolls
2. Anything by Jimmy Buffet
3. Anything by Hootie and the Blowfish
4. “Against All Odds” –Death Cab/Postal Service
5. “Miss you More”

If I had a million dollars I would:
1. Give a bunch to my friends
2. Travel the world
3. Shop in New York
4. Help out those in need(:
5. Save for college/retirement :P

5 things I would never wear:
1. fishnets
2. Christina Agulaira Hoop earrings :S
3. those tie tops … they’re too … common
4. glasses … for the heck of it
5. too tight/too short/too small clothes

Favorite TV shows:
1. That 70’s Show
2. Desperate Housewives!!
3. America’s Next Top Model(:
4. Las Vegas
5. Oprah … I dunno I don’t watch much tv

5 biggest joys:
1. no lunch line!!
2. summer… siiiiiigh
3. ha sarah ann :P
4. being naked ;-)
5. falling asleep

So there you have it folks; form your own opinions : )

radio songs:::
[chicago-hard to say]

Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
from each other.
Even lovers need a holiday
far away from each other.

Hold me now
its hard for me to say Im sorry
I just want you to stay.
After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you.
I promise to.
And after all thats been said and done,
Youre just the part of me I cant let go.

Couldnt stand to be kept away
just for the day
from your body.
Wouldnt wanna be swept away,
far away
from the one that I love.

Hold me now.
its hard for me to say Im sorry.
I just want you to know.
Hold me now.
I really want to tell you Im sorry.
I could never let you go.

After all that weve been through,
I will make it up to you.
I promise to.
And after all thats been said and done,
Youre just the part of me I cant let go.
After all that weve been through,
I will make it up to you.
I promise to.

Youre gonna be the lucky one.