happy new year.

Resolutions:

• Stay single.
• Run everyday.
• Run a half marathon this summer.

______________________________________________________________

I am the biggest loser ever. I am sitting at home, by myself, on new years eve. I worked from four until quarter after nine and had about fifty things I could've done or places I could've gone or people I could've hung out with tonight, but I'm horribly sick. At work tonight, I could barely stand up and had to take about five five- or ten-minute breaks so that I could let my head clear. Once I went outside it got better but I still feel like crap.
So here I am, sitting at home, watching a movie, drinking hot tea, and painting my nails by myself.

better than yours.

My new years will be better than yours for the following reasons...

• I will be sober.
• therefore I will remember.
• I am earning money and still getting to go out.
• I'm hanging out with my friends, my real friends, my friends who never left.
• I'm going to have fun without you.
• I have about four other plans to choose from.
• I'm bringing in the new years without you, without strings, without burdens, without a rollercoster relationship.
• you'll have exactly what you want: to be alone.

Happy New Year : )


____________________________________________________________________
EDIT:

• I won't have a hang over tomorrow either.
  

Old stuff

I went digging through old things tonight and found several things. The first time he and I broke up, I used to write emails to him and then never send them. Perhaps it sounds pathetic but it was therapeutic. I went through and looked through them today, thought maybe that would be a bit healing to remember that I was once in the position I am in now and I got over it all. It did take a while and I do believe the circumstances were a bit different, but I know I am capable. It's just the doing it part. I do believe this time around though, it will be easier for me. I will be so busy in a week when I return to school and continue on with newly single life.
Some things I found on there I thought I would share...

Don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you where something different
That's when it all just fell apart
Like you're so perfect
And I can't measure up
Well I'm not perfect
Just all messed up
I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
It's not like I need somebody
Telling me where I should go at night
Don't worry you'll find somebody
Someone to tell how to live their life
[the veronicas - everything i'm not]

I remember when we used to write emails to each other all the time.
I remember when I used to send you letters to school all the time, even though half of them never got to you... & I really wish they would've.
I remember how we used to be crazy about each other, and it wasn't a problem, we were allowed to tell people and show it.
I remember we used to make people jealous.
I'm scared to death to go to school. I don't want to go away and leave you. I can't wait to get away from Hillsdale and leave everyone else behind, leave the drama and the people, and the small town atmosphere. But I don't want to leave you. I don't want to forget about you, I don't want anyone else, I don't want to "find better" or even look for better. I can't imagine anything happening with anyone but you. I don't want to kiss, touch, hug, love, get it on with anyone else. I don't want you to leave, I don't want to spend the night without you.
[unsent email]

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
[michelle branch - goodbye to you]

I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart
[pink - long way to happiness]



Okay so I guess they're mainly just lyrics and stuff. But still, just reading over them helped.
Also, while browsing through my gmail inbox, I found several other old old emails, obviously.



I love you baby and I NEVER want you to forget that(: Even when we're old and gray:D And when our kids are all grown up and they own eye company's and are producin music and .......well, you get the idea:P :D I love you gorgeous

YOUR superman,

David
[sept 18, 2008]

If I didn't have you I would be nothing. Because you bring out the best in me, and that's EXACTLY how it's supposed to be. You make me want to be better for you too(: Because it's hard to measure up to what I think that you need. And you NEVER cease to amaze me with how witty you are(: You're just the BEST in the whole wide fuckin world, and I couldn't ask for any better(: Thanks for being there for me Steph, it means everything to me(:

Yours forever,

David

P.S. I will always be your Superman
[sept 25, 2008]

Hey there... I just wanted to tell you that I hope we get back together by summer. 'Cause I think that when we get back together that'll solve a lot of our problems that we have right now. I mean, yeah there might still be problems when we get back together. What couple doesn't have problems? I just don't feel like we can be happy again until BOTH of us through our ALL into the relationship and try to make it work. I wanted to send this in an e-mail before I forgot how to word it. 'Cause that always happens to me when we're talkin on the phone:P Any ways, I'll ttyl tonight.
[apr 15, 2008]

And.... believe it or not, I still miss you. It won't go away. You don't understand. I can't lose you! You are the foundation of me. If you're gone I will crumble. And I just want it to be like it used to be. When I would say I miss you, and you would say I miss you too... And when I could say I love you knowing that you are IN LOVE with me too. I know that I screwed up, and I know that I need to do a lot to gain that trust back. I want to so bad... I want you so bad.

When I lay down at night, I lie down in regret

When I sleep at night, I dream that you'll forget

When I go through my day, I wonder what you're feeling

When I talk to you at night, I wonder if I'm appealing

When I come home, I hope with me you're revealing ;)

When I think of what I did to you, I get down kneeling

I wanta beg all day, beg that you'll forgive

'Cause every day you don't, that's one more day I don't live

I wanta be your man, your comfort, your getaway

From all the drama, the people, so in my arms you'll stay

If I get that grip again, I'll NEVER let go

No matter what happens, I will forever let you know

That you are my girl, and it was meant to be like this

Only me and you, so we could live a life of bliss
[apr 17, 2008]

But I've been thinkin about you a lot and I realized something... I won't be happy without you. You've brought me so much happiness in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you(: Well, I'd be nowhere prolly. I wouldn't have the ambition or the confidence that I have now if it wasn't for you challenging me with everything that I do. I just wanta let you know that I can't be without you. I really really hope that this is all over soon and me and you can be amazingly in love again. It makes me ashamed of myself to think for one second that I could be without you:( I'm so sorry Stephanie... I mean that with all my heart.
[may 2. 2008]

Perhaps these things are old so therefore they are not significant but ... I would argue that they are. And sorry if this offends anyone at all. It shouldn't because who reads this anyways?

Moving on.
Today Sarah and Mara and I met up at Somerset and just caught up. It was fantastic. Amy Luke dropped in and gave us some much needed advice. It was wonderful and I really miss going back there... It was definitely something I really needed.

Learning // thoughts

You learn a lot about yourself when you don't have anyone to share it with...
Sounds odd, but it's so true. You begin not thinking about what used to be the significant other and instead focusing on what you want to do or how you want to become; it molds you into the person you want to become without that other person.
Does that even make sense?
For example, I have learned that I take much to heart when it comes to people and what they say. If someone says they'll be there, I trust and expect them to be there. If someone says they will follow through with something, I 100% trust that they will do so. I suppose that at some points this can be a good thing. It demonstrates that I trust people and allow them to have responsibility. It also can be a bad thing because most times, people do not feel it necessary to follow through with what they have stated previously. Sometimes I put too much trust into people which brings me to the next thing I've learned about myself.
Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
I forgive quite easily for the most part. I am good about allowing people second chances. This has its advantages and disadvantages as well. It shows that I am becoming stronger in my walk with God and that I am willing to toss things aside that should be forgiven. It has disadvantages though in that someone would take advantage of the fact that I allow second or third or fourth chances. I don't believe I've fully taken on the duty of forgiveness. I have accepted that forgiveness is something that should be important and a large part of my life. I don't believe I understand that with forgiveness comes common sense, so that I learn to forgive and not put myself in the same situation... : P I'll get there eventually : )

Something I'm very proud of myself right now for doing while juggling school (this started a while ago, I know I'm on break so it doesn't exactly apply) is that I feel that I am really striving and hungry for a strong foundation and relationship with Christ and to really further and develop my walk with the Lord. I want to go to church. I want to pray. I want to listen to worship songs. I want to learn how to study the Bible. I want to really make Jesus the biggest priority of my life and honor Him with all that I have.
It's a commitment.
But I want it : )

& now I have more than enough time to do that.

Some time ago, I was discussing an issue with a friend from school. I was having problems with my then boyfriend and whether or not we should continue dating. I didn't like who he had become over the last year and though he had said he was trying to change because he didn't like whom he had become either, I didn't feel it necessary to continue to date him if he was dragging me through his time of change when I could be bettering myself as well. She talked about her one and only relationship she'd ever had and how they decided it wasn't meant to be so they broke it off mutually. One of the things she did rather than mope around and think about him was she spent time with God instead. She channeled all the hurt and pain and loneliness into developing a deeper relationship with Christ and really finding out who she was and whom she wanted to become.

That's what I want to do.
And I'm trying.

Untitled

Sometimes, I don't understand one's purpose in life. Other times, it's as blunt as my sister, whom I will add is extremely outspoken.
In life you live and then you die, and the in between is completely up to yourself. There have been many different instances this break that has really taught me a lot about life in general. I've learned to really value my life and not take it for granted. There have been so many deaths recently that I feel were quite out of the ordinary and unexpected. Not to mention they occurred so closely to holidays that it must be so very difficult to deal with, I find myself having trouble coming to terms with it, and I am of no relation to losses.
Tyler Nichols, the son of a close friend and co-worker of my grandmother's, died on Christmas evening at the young age of 23 due to cancer. They found it within this past year or so. He was a senior at GVSU. I can't imagine losing anyone close to me, especially that young. I know I would be unable to function at all for several days, perhaps weeks. It just makes me appreciate the people who are a part of my life and who I keep nearest to my heart.
After watching The Bucket List so many times these past few days (thank you Chelsea), I have also learned that life is about taking chances, living it to the fullest, and having no regrets. I don't have any regrets, everything that has happened to me has made me who I am today and I will continue to be shaped and molded throughout the rest of my life. As far as taking chances, that one I am still learning a bit more apprehensively. Living it to the fullest, I believe I have got that down... now it's just meeting all of the goals and expectations I have compiled for myself : )
Tonight, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, a movie with Brad Pitt (yum) and Cate Blanchett that tells of how a boy is born as an older man and rather than aging, he grows younger as his age (number) increases. It was a fantastic story at first, I was hooked. Three hours later, 159 minutes to be exact, I found myself disliking the movie. My problem with movies is that I do not like them if they turn out with an ending I don't like or if ever carried out realistically, do not meet my expectations. Basically, if it's extremely sad or someone dies, I hate the movie (I end up not liking a lot of movies). After that movie, which contained many fantastic quotes and I'm ecstatic to look them up on IMDB in a few weeks, I found myself in a horrible mood due to the happenings of the movie. Yes, overall it was a good movie and I would definitely reccomend seeing it if you can pencil in a movie during a three hour time block you many have open, but I still did not like it...


Okay, that's enough for tonight.

Have a jolly Christmas........ ha, yeah.

• hypocrite.
• you'll read this.
• we could make it.
• liar.
• selfish
• regrets
  

This is just a list of reminders to discuss in this blog, in no particular order.










I thought we could make it.
I was told we could make it, not only by you, but by friends, family, and myself. I believed 100% that we could pull this off. I made it when you were ten hours away, what's a measly hour? Well that's the thing: I made it. I should've figured it out then, that you were never as strong as you appeared.
I am not writing this blog to rip on you. I'm not writing this blog to talk smack about you via internet. Who reads this anyways, other than you? And you read them on rare occasions. The only way this could be me talking bad about you is if the person reading it knew every detail to our entire story, which isn't in existence anymore. I'm writing this because this is my personal blog to write what I please. You chose to view this site, knowing I more than likely published something in relation to what recently occurred. So for you to be upset about this post is really quite out of order.

Continuing on...

___________________________________________________________________

hyp⋅o⋅crite

/ˈhɪpəkrɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hip-uh-krit]
–noun

1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
   

___________________________________________________________________


This is the main point of my post. One thing you have stated about me is that I am flawed in the sense that I cannot admit my flaws. I would say this is false. I may not admit all of my flaws but I do admit some of the larger ones. For example, I have a difficult time admitting I am wrong (ha). I am a hypocrite. I am often selfish about things such as my future or my career. But what is funny is that I was accused of all of the above and yet you are the same way. I was accused and blamed for issues that we had because of these problems that I had ... but wait, you had them too.
You always said I was selfish and you gave all you had, 100% into our relationship. Who is being selfish? You said so many times all you wanted me to do was admit my feelings, tell you I needed you, wanted you, missed you; I do this and instead of being "rewarded" so to speak, you break up with me. And the reason? "To be alone." If this is not selfish, I don't know what is.

What really bothers me is the lying...
I never lied about anything. Everything I ever said I fully meant. Something I realized is that even over the summer when things were really bad, I really wanted us to work deep down, I was just unwilling to allow it to happen for fear of all of this happening again. And look where it got me... What gets me is what you said and what you actually meant. How much was real? How much did you really mean? What were you expecting out of all of this?

I guess what I mean to say is that I really really really really really dislike you super greatly right now (because hate is too strong and don't like is no where near strong enough). I don't want to accept this, I don't want it to be like this. I want you to come back and say, "Wow, I was a real dick for pulling this on you and I'm so sorry and will you please forgive me and come back to me." But at the same time, if that were to happen, I would want to slap you across the face and exchange a few choice words along with a stiff, cold shoulder.

One thing that is perhaps cocky, rude, or way out of line of me to say is that you're going to regret this. Someday I hope you realize that you made a mistake. I am going somewhere, I am going to be something and make something of my life... and I wanted you to be a part of it. I wanted you to come with me, to be with me throughout it, to help me through it. But you don't want to, so you aren't going to. And someday, you'll get it. You'll hear about me and I'll be long gone...




That was extremely cocky.
But I don't care.

Sort of like you...








Oh yeah, ps.
Merry Christmas.
it really wasn't what I would call merry though..

But Happy Birthday Jesus : )

almost.

for so long i tried to reach you
i know i'm almost there
i'm close enough for you to see
you've been hiding in the shadows
have you forgotten how we used to dream
let me remind you
the light doesn't blind you at all
it just helps you see
can you see

a moment in your arms became the reason why
and you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
the only one i need until my dying breath
and i would give you everything just to
feel your open arms
and i'm not sure i believe anything i feel
my head lies to my heart
and my heart it still believes
it seems the ones who love us are the ones
that we deceive
but you're changing everything

you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
we've been so lost for so long
i don't know how to get back again
and we're drowning in the water
that flows under the bridge
when you're fighting the current
you forget how to live
and i wanted to reach you
but i didn't know where to begin
and you remain
a promise unfulfilled until today

and i didn't think about
all the ways i hurt you and myself
and i wouldn't say a thing to you
i keep it to myself in my mind
and i can't stand without you
and i won't find the answers
when you're gone
but it's over to you
i can't find the answers when you're gone
and it's over to you
but you can't find the answer where you are
and you know i need you now
and this ain't easy to admit
but no one needs to know
what goes on behind
the door in my room
i'm kicking through the walls in my mind
and I can't stand without you
and I won't find the answers
when you're gone
but it's over to you
you can't find the answers where you are

thought i couldn't live without you
it's gonna hurt when it heals too
it'll all get better in time
and even though i really love you
i'm gonna smile cause i deserve to
it'll all get better in time

i'll have a blue Christmas without you
i'll be so blue thinking about you
decorations of red on a green Christmastree
won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me
and the when those blue snowflakes start fallin'
that's when those blue memories start callin'
you'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
but i'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

i don't need a lot of presents
to make my Christmas bright
i just need my baby's arms
wound around me tight
oh oh Santa hear my plea
Santa bring my baby back to me
it sure won't seem like Christmas
until my baby's here
you wanna make me happy and fill my heart with joy
then Santa, hear my plea
Santa bring my baby back to me

everything is gonna be alright.
everything is gonna be alright.
everything is gonna be alright.
be strong, believe.

in a nutshell.

Just a few things to think about, I guess.

[sum 41 - with you]

I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you
I'd wait here forever just to,
To see you smile
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you

Through it all
I've made my mistakes
I stumble and fall
But I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken
Forever in vow
And pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so
I won't let this go
'Cause it's true
I am nothing without you

All the streets,
where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
Have come to an end

I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
As I'll bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find
What you will find

I don't want this moment
To ever end
Where everything's nothing, without you

a ringtone? no?

death cab for cutie: plans.
ring a bell?

I don't have anything in particular on my mind, I just felt like writing to you(: I guess I could tell you that I'm grateful that we are where we are. Especially considering all that has taken place to lead up to where we are:S Nonetheless, I am happy once again(: And I like being happy. I like that you make me happy. I like that when I think of you I smile(: I think of us and I get a warm feeling inside:P But for real, I do. I like picturing us in the future, as long as we're together. My life seemed..... not necessarily pointless without you, but I was definitly lost. Nothing felt right. It was kinda just like, what's the point?

I guess what I'm trying to say is. I don't ever wanta let you go again. We may have hard times in the future, yes. But unless I have a reason that I honestly cannot turn away from, I will never make the same mistake that I did this last January. I want to stick it out with you. It's a great feeling being able to say that we worked out all the kinks and stuck it out through "thick 'n' thin"(:
[email, "ello love (:," 11/20/08: 11:40 AM]

[secondhand serenade - fall for you]

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Oh

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

dead on.

p.s. I will be There for You : )
[email, "(no subject)," 10/16/08: 2:40 PM]

[seether featuring amy lee - broken]

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
from the start.

So I don't really know what the main point of this e-mail was. I guess I'm just tellin you how I feel about it. Not tryin' to start anything. 'Cause I still love you, and I don't wanna lose you again.
[email, "well hi there," 12/01/08: 8:34 AM]

p.s. I'm not giving up if you won't : )
[letter, 10/708-10/9/08]