Reality hits like a brick.

I just finished registering for Freshman Orientation at Michigan. Allow me to just run a few by you so you can comprehend just a bit of what's going on here.

• It's 3 days long.
• I stay in the East Quad.
• It costs $242.85.
• My parents are optional.
• We eat in the dining halls.
• We take placement exams. ... Allow me to explain. The math placement is taken online with no calculator (I haven't had math since Junior year). The Language exam can be taken in whatever you took in high school. I really don't want to continue in Spanish. I hate it enough as it is. The chemistry placement is taken at the orientation and I have to take that if I plan on continuing math and science at the U. Then they discuss what they plan on me taking for writing; though that is done with my Academic Advisor.
• I have to make all plans for myself.
• I sign up for classes at this point.
• Then I follow around people doing stuff I'm probably not going to be interested in; though who knows, perhaps I'm wrong on that one.

I guess my point is, I'm beginning to freak out about all of this. I am really going to the University of Michigan. No one else is going, just me. Yes, my family is twenty minutes away, yes Blake is there, yes Courtney is there. But are they really gonna want a freshman freaking out to them all of the time? I think I read their minds when I say no.
It's all just ... BAM. Right there. From that point on, I am on my own for the rest of my life. I don't have my parents there for me, I have to work, hard. Yes, I want to get out of this town. Yes I want to get away from the people, I want to meet new people. I want to experience the world. I feel so vulnurable though because anything can happen and it's 100% on me. I can't screw up from here on out.

I wanted to grow up so badly, now I just want to strike a gold mine and never have to do anything but work at a job for the rest of my life.
Chances of that happening:
1 in 545678452486451564897454545485420248421545205451.5
Yeah, that sounds about right.

Everyone makes mistakes so why can't you?

I remember a great Sesame Street song, yes I still remember Sesame Street music. It went

Everyone makes mistakes so why can't you?
Your sister, and your mother, and your father, brother too.
Big people, small people, matter of fact tall people!
Everyone makes mistakes so why can't you?

I've always remembered that song. Perhaps it's odd that everytime something goes wrong or I feel I've done wrong, that song seems to pop into my head. I think I remember it for a reason. I can even see the show as he sings it; it's Big Bird of course.

But it's true. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. This is something that is constantly preached to us from the time we are little until we find ourselves preaching it to our children and our children's children. Mistakes are just as common as failures, successes, and showers in life. We make mistakes, we learn from mistakes, we move on from mistakes, and hopefully, we don't repeat mistakes.
I've made mistakes throughout my life, but I feel I've also made up for my mistakes and redeemed myself. I don't regret any mistakes though, because that would mean I wouldn't have learned something. Instead, I block them out, totally forget about them. If there's one thing that's sound, it's my memory. Though I use it mainly to remember good things, I can remember the bad things if they reoccur or a similar situation shows up.

So if you make a mistake, move on, learn from it, keep it in the back of your mind. It's not worth dwelling on or fretting about, yes fret. Everything happens for a reason :)

some things you ought to know.. and then some :)

A little bit more about me..
maybe too much,
but who cares anymore, right? :)

[second chances don't come easy]
[food is not an option in my life; it's mandatory]
[it's not a date unless they pay for everything] note: talk to rob.
[the first thing i'm investing in when I get older: a hot tub]
[I don't know what I would do without my friends]
[I'm afraid of more than just heights]
[I'm a tough muffin; tough on the outside, but soft deep down]
[but i tend to act tougher than what I really am]
[I have doubts too]


now for the then some..

I miss certain aspects of what my life was previously; things that I grew accustomed to and somewhat took for granted. There's specifics of course which I don't want to reveal on a silly online blog, but there are more generalized changes that can be left for open thinking and assumptions. But there are a few specifics I would like to point out that are broken down into different generalized ones as well.
A previous aspect that I'm certainly missing is the feeling of a relationship and everything that comes along with it. The whole idea of having someone there, to call when you need them, to listen to, to tell everything to; I remember when I first became single that everytime something happened, I found myself thinking about how I was going to call and tell my ex boyfriend about it, but then reality hit like a brick and I recalled that I no longer had a boyfriend. Boyfriends are a bit of a luxary, a way to spoil yourself. I believe boyfriends can be viewed in a selfish way and an unselfish way. Selfish in the sense that you want someone to be completely and hopelessly devoted to you and only you, yet unselfish because you want, are expected, and must be completely and hopelessly devoted to someone else. Being in a relationship has its perks; yes you get to spend Valentine's Day with someone else, you go on dinner dates, hold hands in public, and call each other embarressing yet cute pet names ... okay maybe not but hypothetically. Being in a relationship also has its downfalls; you are a bit more restricted from friends just because you're so focused on your relationship, you do devote 100% of your time and effort towards that special someone, and you sometimes prevent yourself from becoming close with anyone else. It's a controversial subject, something I am learning about everyday.
Something else I miss is some of the ways I used to act. I used to be a much nicer person, more pleasant and happy. I've become more bitter towards things, love specifically. I've lost a lot of confidence in so many things, not necessarily geared towards the opposite sex but towards other things. I've lost confidence in myself when it comes to everyday things; I've lost confidence in myself when it comes to sports, school, making friends, etc. It's a bit odd I suppose.

But there are certain things in my life that I'm extremely happy with. One of these things is my relationship with my friends. I truly have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for; they know who they are :) They keep me up and going everyday, they are always there, they're just amazing in everything they do. They've taken the things I lost and replaced them with just as much love and support. I feel like I could accomplish anything if I had my friends there with my every step of the way.

I believe I should quit ranting and raving.

Thank you Aretha Franklin...

She knew what she was doing when she wrote Respect. People these days lack respect for everyone and anyone including themselves. A big problem I have especially, is when kids don't respect their elders. For example, teachers have no respect in high school. Students walk all over their teachers and continue to do it and put them down. I understand that you have to have a bit of a backbone to teach high school students, but they were the ones who went to school, let them teach. They usually know what they're talking about. A tiny, little teacher in our school who is so sweet and caring is walked all over everyday in first hour because of stupid sophomore and above bullies. It's ridiculous. They challenge her lessons, tell her it can't be like that; it is ridiculous. And then there's coaches as well. Kids don't respect their coaches anymore. They run all over them as if they have no clue what they are talking about. I understand that at this age, we claim and believe we know everything, and I admit that I occasionally feel like this. But I try to steer away from the stereotype of being a know-it-all teenager. When an adult tells you to do something, they are typically doing it because they have been through something that taught them along their way. So listen!! Respect them, it's not that difficult.

team dinners

We had team dinner tonight for soccer. It was so much fun and so awesome. It is such a great way to bond with your teammates; we just sat around for an hour and a half after dinner and played catch phrase and just talked about anything and everything. It's so nice when you can just sit down and have civil conversations where you laugh and giggle about silly things, cute boys, and yes, the latest gossip. I dunno what boys do at team dinner, but that's what girls do. It was just nice to leave drama behind and have a good time. Even though half of the team wasn't there, i feel like that half of the team is that much closer.
I remember xc team dinners. Wow, I talk about xc all the time. But I don't care, it seriously changed me and my outlook on life and just ... my life in general. But that's for another blog :) We used to have team dinners and it wasn't an option, you were there. And we ate at the set time everytime. We stayed late, we talked, we played games, watched movies, just had a great time.

I dunno ... it was just nice to have fun with my teammates with no drama. Or ciggy's ... or alcohol :)

old friends, future plans :)

Today was Saturday. ... Yaaaaay Saturday! Anyways..
This blog may appear boring at first but really, I had a great day :)

I woke up not feeling well and finally got up and around and did some errands for this pageant thing; I had to get sponsors. Then I went tanning and came home and talked to David. Then David 2 came over which was nice to see him. It's been foreverrrrrrrr. Turns out he's moving to Arizona (hot, hot desert) to join the police acadamy. I couldn't ever be a police officer I don't believe. But anyways..
So he left and I went to pick up Kevin and go out :) I actually got home late and it was okay for the most part, which is a first. :)
Now I'm talking to Justin who says I should write about our proposed trip to Cedar Point where he plans on crying :) So this is how it's going to go down...
We are going to drive down to Cedar Point at ridiculous speeds so we can be the offical first people in the park. We will push our way to the front of every line 'cause we VIP (Very Impatient Persons) and then ride in the first car of every ride to make Justin cry. We will eat cotton candy and caramel corn and all that other yummy stuff and stay 'til the sun goes down and the party gets up :) And then we'll ride top thrill where he will cry like a baby for no reason. And then we'll drive back home. Hopefully he'll drive 'cause I would more than likely fall asleep driving ... and I will more than likely fall asleep if he's driving. Perhaps.. only if he's a good driver :)
The End :)

I love my job :)

I have been working at the Hunt Club since November 2006. Right before my birthday I started working there. I remember I hated it for a while. I felt like none of the girls liked me and I couldn't do anything right. Now I absolutely love it, I can't imagine not working there :) The girls are awesome, the cooks are awesome, the regulars are awesome. I've written about it before; about bar stories (there's plenty more where that came from). Tonight I worked and we were crazy busy which is always my favorite; busy means lots of people, lots of moving, lots of money, and the time goes by way faster. I made $20 from two guys sitting at the bar and I did absolutely nothing. Then I got there around 6 and got to leave around 9. Not to mention I'm buying a new ring and I get to work on Sunday and serve whicch means monnnnney :)

Besides that, I found a song.

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget the memories we made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine while we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time I'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
And remember, Please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine While we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me
And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this heart was yours and mine
and how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I knew that you had me
Please remember, please remember

Okay, I found two songs :)

Quarter moon, always makes me think of you
Are you thinkin' of me too? When you see it shine
It's kind of sad; But I'm smiling, Imagine that
Cause we're lucky to have had what we had - even for atime
Didn't we set the nights on fire
Did ever a flame burn any higher
Wasn't it so sweet? Wasn't it?
Didn't we love
It's okay, sometimes I just get this way
I can't forget you anyway, I wouldn't even try
I'd rather fall than never to have flown at all
It was heaven after all, if only for a time
Didn't we set the nights on fire
Did ever a flame burn any higher
Wasn't it so sweet? Wasn't it?
Didn't we love
Didn't we have it all back then
Will I feel that way again
Didn't we set the nights on fire
Did ever a flame burn any higher
Wasn't it so sweet? Wasn't it?
Didn't we love
Isn't it bittersweet, isn't it?
Didn't we love

violence is not the ans- well, maybe this time..

We had our first soccer game today, the first soccer game of the last season of soccer that I will ever play. Sad story. Continuing on... We played Onstead at home and honestly, we were a bit worried. The day before in practice did not look pretty and we did not look pretty together, so nerves were definately there. I got bumped back to right midfield instead of forward; we had to do some rearranging because of some suspended players which was somewhat bogus in my eyes. We started the game and scored a goal in the first 30 or so seconds. It was awesome :) Brittany Jones opened up the game. We continued to play beastly and by halftime, we were up 3-1 thanks to Andi, Lauren, and Brittany's 30 second wake up call. After the half, we went back out, same starters and scored sometime (I don't remember exactly when) off of a corner kick which BA Andi headed in! Definately deserving of an exclamation mark :) 30 seconds after that, I put one in as well. We continued to play hard and keep it interesting throughout the rest of the game. Especially the last 30 seconds. This is when it gets interesting.
There was about 15 or so seconds left in the game and I was chasing after a ball to prevent it from going out. #10, a rather big and wanna-be BA girl, came up behind me and literally, pushed me in the back with her hands but kicked the ball out of bounds at the same time. I was pissed that she pushed me and she knew it too so I whipped around and just "accidentally" bumped into her. She responded by getting in my face and saying, "Whatcha gonna do about it huh? Whatcha gonna do about it?" Now typically I would preach, "Violence is not the answer. Shy from punching, kicking, or spitting and just beat them with the score and with kindness." The only thing keeping me from jacking that ______ (insert own word) in the face was Mr. Wolodkin grabbing my arm and telling me to take a minute. Because there wasn't much time left in the game, the ref did nothing but tell the girl to watch it. I picked up the ball to throw in and was so angry that I was crying and shaking. The game was over three seconds after and I had to wait a second to drop the ball so I wouln't chuck it at Ms. Sassy Pants' face. Wolodkin then preceeded to grab me and make sure I didn't jack her in the face when we shook hands.

I have never been so upset about something in my entire life. I remember David talking about times guys got in his face and how bad he wanted to punch them. Now I know exactly what that feels like. I've honestly never wanted to hit someone. All I know is that the next time we play Onstead, someone is getting laid out. Hard. And I'm gonna look at her and tell her to check the score :)

Welcome to Hillsdale, excuse me while I investigate and critisize your life :)

Hillsdale is a great place to raise your children, yes I will give you that. Hillsdale is a great place to live when you're older, yes I'll give you that. Hillsdale is a great place to live if you want to stay away from violence. Hillsdale is also a great place to leave if you want to farm or own animals.
But...
Hillsdale is also a great place to live if you prefer the simpler life, or if you like to be more boring. It's a great place to live if you're a busybody and enjoy hardships or struggles in other's lives. A great place to live if you care to make everyone else's business your own.

Occasionally I find something grand to say about Hillsdale and when I do, it's something minute, not very important, not very ... much of a compliment. Most of my "admiring comments" are forced. Yes, they are genuine but only because it is logically correct. I do not like this town. I don't like living here, I don't want to raise my children here, I don't want to live here.
Something very difficult to deal with in Hillsdale are the people. They are constantly gossiping, jumping to conclusions, assuming, and spying. People seem to mature slower yet age faster. Something else that Hillsdale has a problem with is people being two-faced. I realize that everywhere you go, these people seem to populate and reproduce; but in Hillsdale, it seems to be somewhat different. They. Are. Everywhere. Like germs. And they drive me nuts.
I'm a bit of a complainer tonight.
But honestly, pick one or the other or don't say anything at all. Perhaps it's just because I'm in high school, perhaps it is the whole town, perhaps it's just people I surround myself with; whatever it is, I wish it wouold go away.
I wish people would grow up.
And quit lying.
Quit being fake.
And be themselves.
It's really not that difficult.
And it's fun :)

My Own Movie Awards :)

So I had no life tonight and I just surfed the satelite for movies and decided to compile my own Movie Awards :)
So ... without futher ado, the oscar goes to ...

Action : Matrix, James Bond Casino Royale, I am Legend
Adventure : Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Animation : Ice Age, The Incredibles
Biography : Factory Girl (Andy Warhol / Edie Sedgewick), Radio
Chick flick : She’s the Man, Step Up (Channing, my love)
Comedy : Just Friends, National Lampoon anything, Meet the Fockers, Tommy Boy
Disaster : Twister, The Day After Tomorrow
Drama : Becoming Jane, Steel Magnolias
Fantasy : The Wizard of Oz
Guy : Superbad, Hot Rod
Horror : Amityville Horror
Melodramas : A Walk to Remember, Message in a Bottle
Musical : Grease
Mystery : The Black Dahlia
Romance : P.S. I Love You
Sports : Bring it On … kidding :) Remember the Titans, Miracle, We Are Marshall
Teen : Juno
Thrillers : Gothika, The Others
Trilogy : Lord of the Rings, Back to the Future
War : Pearl Harbor

Miscellaneous
Movie I would most like to star in : She's the Man :D
Best date movie : Hitch … just so guys can pick up some pointers ;)
Best 80’s movie : Flash Dance
Best 90’s movie : Clueless
Best animal movie : The Horse Whisperer

me, myself, and i...

I've written before about what I like, don't like, and eventually want to be like before. I've written about what I've learned about myself as well. So I decided I was going to write about some random tid bits about myself :)

I would consider myself random.
I would also consider myself predictable.
I prefer silver to gold, white gold to silver ... white gold to anything :P
I like simple things, I remember simple things.
Somedays, I wish I didn't have freckles. Other days, I love them.
I would rather it be scorching hot than freezing cold.
Spicy foods are amazing ... esp. buffalo wings :D
My second career choice is to go into dentistry. My third, to be a fitness trainer.
I love roller coasters :)
I hate flying.
Running in the rain is the best weather to run in.
I have two cats; one is named Pepper. We got her in 1996 and I picked her out because she was soft, I thought she was pretty, and because she had one caramel colored paw. :)
I would never want to be a celebrity.
I go with the flow.
I could read all day long, especially in the summer.
Getting dressed up never gets old in my eyes.
My nails are always painted.
I've recently become obsessed with Pop Art.

Okay, that's enough :)

epiphany, part II

This week has been fun, definately a good spring break :)
But that's beside the point. On my way home, I stopped in Jackson to visit a friend and then continued on home. As I've pointed out before, music is just ... wayyyy too important so that naturally means that any chance I can, I crank it to full volume and jammmm. So on the way home from Jackson as I drove in the dark and the rain after seeing a "scary" movie, I had my music to almost full blast. And suddenly, I had an epiphany as to something that I've really been struggling to understand lately.
I've really had a hard time with the fact that I can't share my emotions or say what I want to say. For some reason, I lock them away so deeply that I don't even know how I feel about things sometimes. I've finally figured out a bit more to help me get that stuff out. I think one of the key reasons as to why I lock these feelings away is because I've shared them with many people before only to get screwed over in the end. Now I understand that that would've come into mind immediately but I mean it in a different way. There are several people who knew almost everything and any feeling about me and rather those people tell those feelings, they did keep them quiet ... well for the most part. But those people betrayed me in other ways and eventually left me. I guess my mindset is a bit that I don't trust people because they won't stick around.

To bed.
3 am - 8 am is NOT enough sleep when I have to get up and entertain a 3- and a 4- year old..
But I love them :)

stars vs. selection

After staying up at my family's for a week, I've realized I'm definately not a small town girl. I can't stand the drama, or that people know everyone else's business; the fact that everything is based on your last name and how prominent your family was, is, or can be. There are perks to a small town, don't get me wrong, it has its lusters. The fact that you can get a job because you know everyone is definately a plus; and that going to school is not like boarding a place where your bags must be searched and you wanded down. Not to mention that neighborhood violence consists of a tp war between you and other households. Living in a small town does have its advantages, as does living in a more urban area.
A large city is fast paced, technologically advanced, and offers more opportunities. It's a bit more rich, a bit more open to change, a bit more friendly. The odds of seeing someone you know are quite slim and there's a variety in anything and everything. Downsides to a larger town: no where is anywhere near as safe as the small town; larger cities tend to have a substantial increase in the number of crazy drivers; it's a tad more difficult to make the cut in any high school sports teams unless your parents are loaded and are ex- or retired pro-athletes; things tend to be a bit more expensive; and the roads are usually only wide enough to allow a bicycle to pass.
Okay so a larger city probably has more disadvantages, but I'm totally game with that. I would prefer the larguer population that occupies more land mass. I think it would be awesome to meet someone new everyday at school. I wouldn't mind being offered more than just two sports per season; I'd like to get out there, do some swimming, watch some field hockey, get in there. Not only that, but you can be more diverse, thee's more out there than just John Deere tractors and Ford pick ups. There's more ways to get involved in a larger city, more options to consider, more opinions to think about.
I know I want to live in a larger town when I grow up. I wish I would've lived in a larger town as I grew up.
Someday I'll be in NYC :)
No doubt.
& you'll wanna visit..
but you can't...