Something I will never understand is how bloodshed, pain, violence, is the answer to anything. Why go to war? Why shed innocent blood over something when we could just simply talk it over. Maybe this is my chick side coming through, but I see no pro's to fighting.
Even when it comes to simply beating someone up. Why screw up their face when you could just screw up their heart or their head? Get into their head rather than tear it apart. I've never been one for fighting. Any boy who fights is not hot in my book; he's not macho or a BA or anything but a coward who resorts to something that hurts someone physically rather than figure it out like a civilized person. Plus, when the other person socks you, you look like an idiot for having a puffy lip. I surely don't wanna claim a boy with a black eye or kiss a swollen lip because he decided to pick a fight with someone. To me, that just looks ... trashy I suppose.
For this reason, I believe boxing to be the most ridiculous and stupid sport there is. Perhaps I'm bashing somone, and I will admit I'm being a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to this one. And I apologize for bashing. But anyways.. I'm a hypocrite because I want to learn to box but only as a defense mechanism if something were to happen to me ... ahem with a guy. But seriously, the sport of boxing ... the fact that it's a sport, is beyond me. Beating someone senseless doesn't sound like much fun to watch, participate in, or bet on.
But back to war..
After I watch Pearl Harbor, I develop some of the strongest hate towards Japanese people. Which really isn't fair because nowadays, it isn't like that. But those people back then, and all of the innocent people they killed just because of whatever reason it was. They had families, loved ones, goals, dreams, fears, aspirations ... and they never got to see those again. Because some guy had to blow up and sink their ship while it was just sitting there one morning in a beautiful harbor in paradise. They make me so angry and sad.
The point is, who has the right to decide that thos boys and innocent people needed to die. Who has the right to blow something or someone up with no mercy. Who has the right to do any of that besides God? No one. God, and no one else.
What's the point in fighting 'til there's no one else to fight? What does that leave us with anyways, pride? Pride of what, the fact that we're killing people because we have reason to? Pride in ourselves that we can take the lives of both innocent and guilty people? The Bible says, 'an eye for an eye,' that means we should in turn die for all those whom we kill.
I won't be killing anytime soon.
I'm not God.
No where near Him.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
friends :)
I've developed some of the greatest friends in the past few months :D They are seriously amazing and definately make me who I am today. My girlfriends are the best listeners out there; they listen to have problem, complaint, story, crying session, vent, and any other thing I can come up with no matter what time it is or how long it takes. They're always there and willing to help and they know I would do the same for them to the best of my abilities. They're there to help me with problems, go out on a Saturday night, or stay in and watch a movie. Each one of them is different in their own way. There's Miranda who listens to every word I have to say about anything and everything; Adri who I have the fun nights out and the deep, late night conversations; Tracey who I play deer with and scope out mennnn; MASH who I run with and just have random, little girls nights :D; Brandi who has always been there and is just out to have some fun; and there's other girls who're great friends as well :) I have my girlfriends at the bars, others from school, sports, all sorts of things. They're just all such amazing people and I'm so thankful they're in my life. They've seen me at my best and my worst times. And they're still here :)
And then there's my guy friends. What would I do without guys :) They're just as amazing, but in different ways. They're so simple with things, straight forward and to the point; they make things so much easier. They can make me laugh, they always protect me, they would beat someone up for me :) I can't write a paragraph about my boys like I can my girls.. but that's okay 'cause they don't care quite as much :)
I think I'm done. I'm exhausted. Iwas up last night 'til three, went to school and did a gauntlet, and had a bit of a late night tonight.
To bed.
And then there's my guy friends. What would I do without guys :) They're just as amazing, but in different ways. They're so simple with things, straight forward and to the point; they make things so much easier. They can make me laugh, they always protect me, they would beat someone up for me :) I can't write a paragraph about my boys like I can my girls.. but that's okay 'cause they don't care quite as much :)
I think I'm done. I'm exhausted. Iwas up last night 'til three, went to school and did a gauntlet, and had a bit of a late night tonight.
To bed.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
summer days
I've been thinking abotu several things lately.
One thing I began thinking about thanks to this lovely snow we continue to get : is how much I miss summer. I realized summer is basically the source of most all of my best memories. Memories from younger years, middle school years, teenage years, just years. I remember riding a big wheel up and down the sidewalk at our old house. I remember watching canoe races down the St. Joe River in my backyard, perched on top of a tractor tire that was buried in the ground but imagined to be my beautiful horse that was unusually stationary. I remember camping trips, going to the lake at 8 am to learn how to water ski; I remember visiting my grandma's house in Westland and going to the water park. I remember riding my bike to the lake with a boy, sitting under the stars, and staying out late at bonfires. I remember pool parties, beaches, late night phone conversations, and summer camps. Sleepovers 'til 4 am, nights at the lake, and playing soccer at 10 pm. And as I sit and think about summers and great memories, I am reminded that this is my last high school summer. And that after this, it's college. I have come up with a great advantage to being an optometrist though; I have to go to school for 8 more years rather than four. This means I have four extra summers than everyone else :D which means 8 more years of memories :D
I'm beyond ready for summer.
One thing I began thinking about thanks to this lovely snow we continue to get : is how much I miss summer. I realized summer is basically the source of most all of my best memories. Memories from younger years, middle school years, teenage years, just years. I remember riding a big wheel up and down the sidewalk at our old house. I remember watching canoe races down the St. Joe River in my backyard, perched on top of a tractor tire that was buried in the ground but imagined to be my beautiful horse that was unusually stationary. I remember camping trips, going to the lake at 8 am to learn how to water ski; I remember visiting my grandma's house in Westland and going to the water park. I remember riding my bike to the lake with a boy, sitting under the stars, and staying out late at bonfires. I remember pool parties, beaches, late night phone conversations, and summer camps. Sleepovers 'til 4 am, nights at the lake, and playing soccer at 10 pm. And as I sit and think about summers and great memories, I am reminded that this is my last high school summer. And that after this, it's college. I have come up with a great advantage to being an optometrist though; I have to go to school for 8 more years rather than four. This means I have four extra summers than everyone else :D which means 8 more years of memories :D
I'm beyond ready for summer.
Friday, February 22, 2008
on my mind..
I have a lot on my mind tonight.
One thing I’d like to write about is my take on weight lifting. I absolutely love it. It is definitely one of my new obsessions. Ever since hornet power with them mennnn, I have become ridiculously infatuated with it. It’s just so amazing. Not only does it make you forget so many things because you’re so focused, but you get results, you feel better about yourself, you get strong, and you just get that high. I honestly miss weight training with the boys. It was so much different, much harder, and the views weren’t that bad either ;) Plus, they pushed me in ways girls don’t push me, and they don’t even know that they did it. When I was in the boys hornet power, I was constantly trying to prove to them that I was worthy of being in there. They never asked for that, I just wanted to do it on my own. I didn’t want them to say, “Yeah Stephanie Woodbury was in this class and she didn’t do jack.” I wanted them to say, “Yeah Stephanie Woodbury was in this class and she friggin’ kicked ass.” I wasn’t looking so much as to impress them, just to make sure they knew I wasn’t in there to screw around. Now I’m in the Girls hornet power and it’s basically a slack off class. The nice thing about that class is that I can actually win things. In a class of all boys, it’s near impossible to beat them in any athletic event. With all girls, I have a bit more of an advantage after being in the boys hornet power and being an athlete, myself. Now I promise you I definitely don’t win everything, or a lot. I win enough to feel good and to feel that I’m pushing myself and making the best out of any athletic ability I might have. The bad thing about girls, they whine and cry and moan and take everything way to seriously. Like, worse than the guys. When we played games in the boys hornet power, it was quite competitive. I think the boys probably took it easy on us a little bit but it was still quite competitive. It was intense, and fast paced, and organized. With girls, it’s a free-for-all. Everyone is all over everyone, it’s so competitive it’s like we’re out there just to wreck everyone else’s ****. I just miss the boys :(
Something else on my mind is my parents. I just … don’t understand them. I don’t really know what to write ‘cause I’m not going to pour my heart and soul out on the internet, especially about extremely personal matters such as this one. But I can’t help but wonder what goes on in their minds and why they do the things they do. They don’t set the greatest examples, though I believe my sister and I have turned out wonderfully, not being cocky or anything. But I think a lot of that is because we’ve learned from their mistakes rather than them teaching us not to.
And lastly, you gotta know this is coming. I have no clue with what to do right now. I know if I discuss it, I could change my mind. So I really don’t want to talk about it to David yet. I don’t want his opinion to affect my decision. But now that I can talk to him, I want to talk to him all the time. I want to call him every night, not to talk about anything in particular though. I really don’t want to know how his day went or what he’s been up to. I don’t want him any more inside my head than he already is, because if the choice is to move on, I’m not going to redevelop what I’ve already tried to accept and forget about. At the same time, I want what we had back. It’s so hard ‘cause little things still remind me of him. The stars at night, basketball, a song on the radio that I sent lyrics to him for. But then things come on that remind me of what he did, of how it hurt, of how I’m half over it. Okay, so half is obviously pushing it but you catch my drift. Things like songs that come on that I would blare that would help me to move on, letters I wrote when we first broke up that had every last drop of ink of hatred scribbled on the paper, reminders of what I’m allowed to do now such as dress myself or talk to a guy … okay innocently flirt with a guy. I don’t know what I want. I’ve partially picked up and left some stuff behind. It’ll be hard to get that back and I have also learned that it’s more convenient right now to not be together, to just be on our own and do our own thing. Plus I know that if we get back together, we can’t just pick up right where we left off. But I want what we had back. I miss having someone there for me, someone I get to be there for, someone … just someone. I miss the little love things and the time we spend together and the things we do. I asked Ashley Smith today for her opinon on the matter and first she asked me what I was thinking. I told her a small, summarized version and she responded simply with, “If you end up going back, you need to first make sure that he understands that he’s starting all over. And make sure that he knows he has to build everything up again and that he’s in it for real, not just to try it. That he’s actually serious and willing and wants it just as bad as you do.” Not those exact words, but something along those lines. I never even considered that.
I’m lost.
Help.
Maybe not.
I’m just venting.
One thing I’d like to write about is my take on weight lifting. I absolutely love it. It is definitely one of my new obsessions. Ever since hornet power with them mennnn, I have become ridiculously infatuated with it. It’s just so amazing. Not only does it make you forget so many things because you’re so focused, but you get results, you feel better about yourself, you get strong, and you just get that high. I honestly miss weight training with the boys. It was so much different, much harder, and the views weren’t that bad either ;) Plus, they pushed me in ways girls don’t push me, and they don’t even know that they did it. When I was in the boys hornet power, I was constantly trying to prove to them that I was worthy of being in there. They never asked for that, I just wanted to do it on my own. I didn’t want them to say, “Yeah Stephanie Woodbury was in this class and she didn’t do jack.” I wanted them to say, “Yeah Stephanie Woodbury was in this class and she friggin’ kicked ass.” I wasn’t looking so much as to impress them, just to make sure they knew I wasn’t in there to screw around. Now I’m in the Girls hornet power and it’s basically a slack off class. The nice thing about that class is that I can actually win things. In a class of all boys, it’s near impossible to beat them in any athletic event. With all girls, I have a bit more of an advantage after being in the boys hornet power and being an athlete, myself. Now I promise you I definitely don’t win everything, or a lot. I win enough to feel good and to feel that I’m pushing myself and making the best out of any athletic ability I might have. The bad thing about girls, they whine and cry and moan and take everything way to seriously. Like, worse than the guys. When we played games in the boys hornet power, it was quite competitive. I think the boys probably took it easy on us a little bit but it was still quite competitive. It was intense, and fast paced, and organized. With girls, it’s a free-for-all. Everyone is all over everyone, it’s so competitive it’s like we’re out there just to wreck everyone else’s ****. I just miss the boys :(
Something else on my mind is my parents. I just … don’t understand them. I don’t really know what to write ‘cause I’m not going to pour my heart and soul out on the internet, especially about extremely personal matters such as this one. But I can’t help but wonder what goes on in their minds and why they do the things they do. They don’t set the greatest examples, though I believe my sister and I have turned out wonderfully, not being cocky or anything. But I think a lot of that is because we’ve learned from their mistakes rather than them teaching us not to.
And lastly, you gotta know this is coming. I have no clue with what to do right now. I know if I discuss it, I could change my mind. So I really don’t want to talk about it to David yet. I don’t want his opinion to affect my decision. But now that I can talk to him, I want to talk to him all the time. I want to call him every night, not to talk about anything in particular though. I really don’t want to know how his day went or what he’s been up to. I don’t want him any more inside my head than he already is, because if the choice is to move on, I’m not going to redevelop what I’ve already tried to accept and forget about. At the same time, I want what we had back. It’s so hard ‘cause little things still remind me of him. The stars at night, basketball, a song on the radio that I sent lyrics to him for. But then things come on that remind me of what he did, of how it hurt, of how I’m half over it. Okay, so half is obviously pushing it but you catch my drift. Things like songs that come on that I would blare that would help me to move on, letters I wrote when we first broke up that had every last drop of ink of hatred scribbled on the paper, reminders of what I’m allowed to do now such as dress myself or talk to a guy … okay innocently flirt with a guy. I don’t know what I want. I’ve partially picked up and left some stuff behind. It’ll be hard to get that back and I have also learned that it’s more convenient right now to not be together, to just be on our own and do our own thing. Plus I know that if we get back together, we can’t just pick up right where we left off. But I want what we had back. I miss having someone there for me, someone I get to be there for, someone … just someone. I miss the little love things and the time we spend together and the things we do. I asked Ashley Smith today for her opinon on the matter and first she asked me what I was thinking. I told her a small, summarized version and she responded simply with, “If you end up going back, you need to first make sure that he understands that he’s starting all over. And make sure that he knows he has to build everything up again and that he’s in it for real, not just to try it. That he’s actually serious and willing and wants it just as bad as you do.” Not those exact words, but something along those lines. I never even considered that.
I’m lost.
Help.
Maybe not.
I’m just venting.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer..
Something I’ve been faced with an awful lot lately is the subject of underage drinking. I must’ve been completely oblivious to the fact that most everyone has attempted or continues to drink. I’ve gone through most all of my friends and it’s me and MASH.
What is this sudden obsession? I guess I’ve ignored it all these years because I’m afraid my car will get ridiculously hammered with sardines or saran wrap.
In a way, I feel a bit left out. I am interested, no doubt, in the popularity of alcohol. I’m curious as to how it would make me feel, how I would act, what it tastes like. I want to have something to do on the weekends, every weekend and I want to be able to have that bond.
But at the same time, I don’t want all of the baggage that comes with it. I don’t want the horrible hang over the next day. I don’t want to have to worry about doing something stupid. I don’t want to not be able to make decisions for myself or not be able to drive. I don’t care to not be able to remember what I may have done the night before. I don’t mind for that buzz feeling you get or the “family feel” from your friends who are in the same boat as yourself.
I don’t need to drink to have fun. I can have a blast without a shot of Captain in my coke. Hell, I don’t even need Coke.
I find it funny that one of the only reasons teenagers drink is that the government says it’s illegal to do so. I’ve heard stories that once you get into college and turn 21, you don’t drink as much because it’s allowed. How true that is I don’t know.
I was talking with some friends today about drinking in one of my classes. One thing we noticed is that teenagers don’t drink to feel good, they drink to get drunk. They aren’t there to just have a good time, they’re there to have a good hangover the next day. Why put your body through so much? What is worth all of it? That you looked like a complete idiot, or that you may have hit on a girl you never would’ve spoken to because of your sudden burst of confidence? Or maybe that you finally beat someone in a game of beer bong.
Perhaps I’m just overreacting to all of this being thrown into my face all of a sudden.
I find two things to be the biggest turn off when checking out a guy: a cigarette and a mixed drink. The instant someone says they drink or smoke, my guard immediately goes up. I’ve never really had the best experiences with alcohol. Meaning the things that have occurred when alcohol is involved has never been a positive.
I wouldn’t call myself a hypocrite though. I admit that when I turn 21, I plan on drinking. I don’t plan on getting absolutely hammered that first night, just a few drinks here and there. Why ruin something in the first night anyways? Just like why do something you have the rest of your life to do?
So far, I have yet to find someone who stands on the same ground as me on this matter. There’ve been several people who have come close, but none have ever stood their ground.
But I’m going to :)
What is this sudden obsession? I guess I’ve ignored it all these years because I’m afraid my car will get ridiculously hammered with sardines or saran wrap.
In a way, I feel a bit left out. I am interested, no doubt, in the popularity of alcohol. I’m curious as to how it would make me feel, how I would act, what it tastes like. I want to have something to do on the weekends, every weekend and I want to be able to have that bond.
But at the same time, I don’t want all of the baggage that comes with it. I don’t want the horrible hang over the next day. I don’t want to have to worry about doing something stupid. I don’t want to not be able to make decisions for myself or not be able to drive. I don’t care to not be able to remember what I may have done the night before. I don’t mind for that buzz feeling you get or the “family feel” from your friends who are in the same boat as yourself.
I don’t need to drink to have fun. I can have a blast without a shot of Captain in my coke. Hell, I don’t even need Coke.
I find it funny that one of the only reasons teenagers drink is that the government says it’s illegal to do so. I’ve heard stories that once you get into college and turn 21, you don’t drink as much because it’s allowed. How true that is I don’t know.
I was talking with some friends today about drinking in one of my classes. One thing we noticed is that teenagers don’t drink to feel good, they drink to get drunk. They aren’t there to just have a good time, they’re there to have a good hangover the next day. Why put your body through so much? What is worth all of it? That you looked like a complete idiot, or that you may have hit on a girl you never would’ve spoken to because of your sudden burst of confidence? Or maybe that you finally beat someone in a game of beer bong.
Perhaps I’m just overreacting to all of this being thrown into my face all of a sudden.
I find two things to be the biggest turn off when checking out a guy: a cigarette and a mixed drink. The instant someone says they drink or smoke, my guard immediately goes up. I’ve never really had the best experiences with alcohol. Meaning the things that have occurred when alcohol is involved has never been a positive.
I wouldn’t call myself a hypocrite though. I admit that when I turn 21, I plan on drinking. I don’t plan on getting absolutely hammered that first night, just a few drinks here and there. Why ruin something in the first night anyways? Just like why do something you have the rest of your life to do?
So far, I have yet to find someone who stands on the same ground as me on this matter. There’ve been several people who have come close, but none have ever stood their ground.
But I’m going to :)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
life in general...
I guess I don’t understand. Perhaps I’m too young or too naïve, or just refusing to. There are lots of things I don’t understand in life: love, death, sadness, karma. One of the things I hate talking about though is death. It’s just scary to think about.
And branching off of death, I don’t understand is people who wish to kill themselves. What good is that doing anyways? My take on it is that the person is selfish for wanting to take their life and hurting everyone around them.
But at the same time, I know I don’t know or comprehend what is going on in their heads. I’m sure some of the reasons behind people committing suicide are things that I will never have anything to compare to.
It really bugs me when people joke around about killing themselves. When they do it just to get attention and would never do such a thing. I know that whenever someone even mentions it, you should take it seriously. But there is a point where you can tell when someone is just saying it to say it. I had a friend like that back in middle school; they would make jokes and stuff about yeah I’m thinking I’m going to kill myself if it keeps up like this. I could understand that they were just screwing around to get attention and such.
What else is peculiar to me is why people who have those problems or who are dealing with something so stressful don’t get help or don’t talk about it sooner.
It’s so sad that they believe taking their life will make everything better. I remember having conversations with David about this before. It says in the Bible that suicide is not acceptable and will not get you into Heaven. And yet people want to die so bad, they are willing to take their life, but they won’t go to Heaven.
It’s scary because my sister is on medication right now and a side effect warning that they’ve issued is that it’s common for teenagers to commit suicide if taken off of the medicine too quickly.
I don’t know.
Today was busy though. Just thought I’d throw that in there last minute.
And branching off of death, I don’t understand is people who wish to kill themselves. What good is that doing anyways? My take on it is that the person is selfish for wanting to take their life and hurting everyone around them.
But at the same time, I know I don’t know or comprehend what is going on in their heads. I’m sure some of the reasons behind people committing suicide are things that I will never have anything to compare to.
It really bugs me when people joke around about killing themselves. When they do it just to get attention and would never do such a thing. I know that whenever someone even mentions it, you should take it seriously. But there is a point where you can tell when someone is just saying it to say it. I had a friend like that back in middle school; they would make jokes and stuff about yeah I’m thinking I’m going to kill myself if it keeps up like this. I could understand that they were just screwing around to get attention and such.
What else is peculiar to me is why people who have those problems or who are dealing with something so stressful don’t get help or don’t talk about it sooner.
It’s so sad that they believe taking their life will make everything better. I remember having conversations with David about this before. It says in the Bible that suicide is not acceptable and will not get you into Heaven. And yet people want to die so bad, they are willing to take their life, but they won’t go to Heaven.
It’s scary because my sister is on medication right now and a side effect warning that they’ve issued is that it’s common for teenagers to commit suicide if taken off of the medicine too quickly.
I don’t know.
Today was busy though. Just thought I’d throw that in there last minute.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
the perfect storm.
I guess I’m just sort of lost about all of this. It honestly came so unexpected. I saw it coming, but not this soon. Everyone told me you would be back and I didn’t believe them. And that helped me to move on; to believe that you wouldn’t come back. But honestly, all along deep down, I knew you would eventually; though I didn’t want it to be this soon.
I’m so lost about it all though, honestly. I don’t know what to do. I am, I’m half moved on. I’ve realized that it’s possible without you. I’ve realized that I don’t need you to function, I don’t need to have you with me, I can make it without you. That’s something I’ve come to realize. I’ve made myself to be like that. I’ve started a different life, started over, because I honestly thought you were gone forever. Or that by the time you would figure everything out, I would be long gone.
I’m so awestruck that you’ve done this. It’s not like you, you’re typically a very stubborn person. And this is different.
I didn’t want to lose you. I still don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you gone. But at the same time, I’ve convinced myself of several things to make me not hurt anymore. And I have to look past those and put myself back out to be vulnerable to you again.
You tore me apart. I’ve never been such a mess. I talked to Adri about it today and she has been so amazing throughout it all. All of my friends have been. And she looked at me and said, “you need to make sure this is what you really want. Because he hurt you. You begged him. Begged him for a week or two and he turned the other cheek.” And then later today she told me that no matter what my decision was, no one would judge me, that she would still love me just the same :)
I’m so confused. I want to talk to you all the time now. You just have that affect. I never wanted to get off of the phone with you last night. I really didn’t. And I just want to talk to you today. I want you…. In the worst way.
But what is that going to do. It just makes me more defenseless to you. It honestly sucks.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
You’ve taken my by storm.
it just hurts.
I’m so lost about it all though, honestly. I don’t know what to do. I am, I’m half moved on. I’ve realized that it’s possible without you. I’ve realized that I don’t need you to function, I don’t need to have you with me, I can make it without you. That’s something I’ve come to realize. I’ve made myself to be like that. I’ve started a different life, started over, because I honestly thought you were gone forever. Or that by the time you would figure everything out, I would be long gone.
I’m so awestruck that you’ve done this. It’s not like you, you’re typically a very stubborn person. And this is different.
I didn’t want to lose you. I still don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you gone. But at the same time, I’ve convinced myself of several things to make me not hurt anymore. And I have to look past those and put myself back out to be vulnerable to you again.
You tore me apart. I’ve never been such a mess. I talked to Adri about it today and she has been so amazing throughout it all. All of my friends have been. And she looked at me and said, “you need to make sure this is what you really want. Because he hurt you. You begged him. Begged him for a week or two and he turned the other cheek.” And then later today she told me that no matter what my decision was, no one would judge me, that she would still love me just the same :)
I’m so confused. I want to talk to you all the time now. You just have that affect. I never wanted to get off of the phone with you last night. I really didn’t. And I just want to talk to you today. I want you…. In the worst way.
But what is that going to do. It just makes me more defenseless to you. It honestly sucks.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
You’ve taken my by storm.
it just hurts.
Monday, February 18, 2008
I’ve come to know myself a bit better the past month or so. Like, really figured out what floats my boat and what doesn’t. One of the biggest things is definitely music. I never really realized how important music is in my life. It can totally change my mood. And I’m one of those people who just belts it out in their car, regardless if the windows are down or a car full of hot guys beside me. I love to crank my music to the loudest it will go and sing at the top of my lungs … this also includes using the steering wheel as a drum set and closing my eyes to hit the high note.
I’ve also learned that I care deeply about my friends and their opinions. If I ever have a problem, they are always the first I go to. And they’re always so willing to listen. I’m so lucky to have all of them. They are seriously the best, and truest friends I could ever ask for. I’m so thankful that this year, I took the time to really bond with them and hang out with them. We’ve all become so close :)
I’ve also learned just what it is that makes my clock tick. How I deal with stress, worries, emotions, happiness, the whole deal. I’m back to running which is the first thing I do whenever I get a rush of emotion. If I’m crazy excited, I go run. If I’m super stressed out, I go run. Every time my shoes hit that pavement, all the emotions are channeled right down to the ground. I run to release that energy. Yeah it sounds cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth. I run for that high afterwards. I run to ease the stress, the pain, the weakness. I run to be a better person.
I know now just how strong I am. In the beginning, I felt like I made myself believe I was stronger than I was. When I was with David, I remember getting into fights a few times and thinking to myself, “If we were to break up over this, I would be okay.” Boy, was I wrong. I was really frusterated when we first broke up because I realized that I wasn’t as strong as I put myself out there to be; but then Natalie from small group said something to me 6 days after all that went down. She looked at me and genuinely said that I was amazing for dealing with it how I was for it being two years; that I was so strong and doing so well. And then I believed it. And from then on, I never felt that way again. When it was still really sore, I remember crying and struggling with it and thinking wow, I’m so weak. I can’t do this. How can he be so strong? But then it got to the point to where I was so frustrated and so confused that I realized I had to step up and be stronger and say what the heck is going on. So I did, and for a brief moment, he was the strongest. He stuck to his guns and wouldn’t back down. And once that happened, it was over; I knew from then on I would be the stronger one. And I am. I know it. And damn it feels good :)
On a different note..
I’ve been thinking a lot about college lately. A lot. And I’m really beginning to get scared. I know I continue to talk about David a lot but he was a major influence in my life, as I’ve previously written. He was basically my life … sorta. You get the picture. But he was a major security blanket. I always knew I’d have someone to call, someone to vent to when nothing was going right, someone who would listen to my problems and help me figure things out, coach me through it all. I don’t have that anymore and it scares me.
I have no clue where I’m going to live. Something I’m really struggling with is the dorm situation. I don’t know whether or not to go into co-ed dorms or all girls dorms. Co-ed is the possibility of boys in the room next to me … ew. All girls means drama, drama, drama, and no night time visitors :) Boys means more friends … I get along better with boys :P Girls means more advice, clothes, shoes, etc. I guess that ones sort of shallow. I wish I could just check off the, “I don’t really care, just gimme a roof over my head” box.
And something else I’m apprehensive about is the whole drinking situation. Everyone I know that I never thought would party has become a partier. I don’t want to be typical, I don’t want to come back to high school like everyone else. I’ve always wanted to and enjoyed standing out in any way possible. Everyone parties nowadays and I don’t want to fit into that category. But I know college is a completely different atmosphere. There’s no babysitting, supervision, parents overseeing your every move; and I don’t want to slip up. I can’t afford it. I have to keep my grades up to a 3.5 throughout all of college and I know U of M is going to be a _____load harder than HHS. And then I still have to go another four years. I’m just afraid I won’t be strong enough to keep it that way … clean.
And I’m afraid of making friends. Everyone I’ve told that to is just like, “Oh no, you won’t have a problem. You’re such a nice person and outgoing.” Well this is a whole different environment than Hillsdale. And you have to start all over. That is one thing I am looking forward to in most parts, but I know you don’t just meet friends that easily; not friends that you are with the rest of your life, that you can trust them with anything, true friends.
I dunno. I guess I’m done ranting and raving. I need to go to bed. I’m getting real bad about this whole night owl thing.
[i’ve been searching deep down in my soul
words that i’m hearing are starting to get old
feels like i’m starting all over again
the last two years were just pretend.
and it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time.
i want what’s yours and i
want what’s mine.
i want you
but i’m not givin’ in this time]
I’ve also learned that I care deeply about my friends and their opinions. If I ever have a problem, they are always the first I go to. And they’re always so willing to listen. I’m so lucky to have all of them. They are seriously the best, and truest friends I could ever ask for. I’m so thankful that this year, I took the time to really bond with them and hang out with them. We’ve all become so close :)
I’ve also learned just what it is that makes my clock tick. How I deal with stress, worries, emotions, happiness, the whole deal. I’m back to running which is the first thing I do whenever I get a rush of emotion. If I’m crazy excited, I go run. If I’m super stressed out, I go run. Every time my shoes hit that pavement, all the emotions are channeled right down to the ground. I run to release that energy. Yeah it sounds cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth. I run for that high afterwards. I run to ease the stress, the pain, the weakness. I run to be a better person.
I know now just how strong I am. In the beginning, I felt like I made myself believe I was stronger than I was. When I was with David, I remember getting into fights a few times and thinking to myself, “If we were to break up over this, I would be okay.” Boy, was I wrong. I was really frusterated when we first broke up because I realized that I wasn’t as strong as I put myself out there to be; but then Natalie from small group said something to me 6 days after all that went down. She looked at me and genuinely said that I was amazing for dealing with it how I was for it being two years; that I was so strong and doing so well. And then I believed it. And from then on, I never felt that way again. When it was still really sore, I remember crying and struggling with it and thinking wow, I’m so weak. I can’t do this. How can he be so strong? But then it got to the point to where I was so frustrated and so confused that I realized I had to step up and be stronger and say what the heck is going on. So I did, and for a brief moment, he was the strongest. He stuck to his guns and wouldn’t back down. And once that happened, it was over; I knew from then on I would be the stronger one. And I am. I know it. And damn it feels good :)
On a different note..
I’ve been thinking a lot about college lately. A lot. And I’m really beginning to get scared. I know I continue to talk about David a lot but he was a major influence in my life, as I’ve previously written. He was basically my life … sorta. You get the picture. But he was a major security blanket. I always knew I’d have someone to call, someone to vent to when nothing was going right, someone who would listen to my problems and help me figure things out, coach me through it all. I don’t have that anymore and it scares me.
I have no clue where I’m going to live. Something I’m really struggling with is the dorm situation. I don’t know whether or not to go into co-ed dorms or all girls dorms. Co-ed is the possibility of boys in the room next to me … ew. All girls means drama, drama, drama, and no night time visitors :) Boys means more friends … I get along better with boys :P Girls means more advice, clothes, shoes, etc. I guess that ones sort of shallow. I wish I could just check off the, “I don’t really care, just gimme a roof over my head” box.
And something else I’m apprehensive about is the whole drinking situation. Everyone I know that I never thought would party has become a partier. I don’t want to be typical, I don’t want to come back to high school like everyone else. I’ve always wanted to and enjoyed standing out in any way possible. Everyone parties nowadays and I don’t want to fit into that category. But I know college is a completely different atmosphere. There’s no babysitting, supervision, parents overseeing your every move; and I don’t want to slip up. I can’t afford it. I have to keep my grades up to a 3.5 throughout all of college and I know U of M is going to be a _____load harder than HHS. And then I still have to go another four years. I’m just afraid I won’t be strong enough to keep it that way … clean.
And I’m afraid of making friends. Everyone I’ve told that to is just like, “Oh no, you won’t have a problem. You’re such a nice person and outgoing.” Well this is a whole different environment than Hillsdale. And you have to start all over. That is one thing I am looking forward to in most parts, but I know you don’t just meet friends that easily; not friends that you are with the rest of your life, that you can trust them with anything, true friends.
I dunno. I guess I’m done ranting and raving. I need to go to bed. I’m getting real bad about this whole night owl thing.
[i’ve been searching deep down in my soul
words that i’m hearing are starting to get old
feels like i’m starting all over again
the last two years were just pretend.
and it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time.
i want what’s yours and i
want what’s mine.
i want you
but i’m not givin’ in this time]
Sunday, February 17, 2008
random qutoes for the time being..
[you used to talk to me like
i was the only one around.
you were the first star that i'd see.
i look around me,
and i want you to be there
'cause i miss the things that we shared.
look around you,
it's empty and you're sad
'cause you miss the love that we had]
[now that it's all said and done
i can't believe you were the one
to build me up and tear me down,
like an old abandoned house.
what you said when you left
just left me cold and out of breath
i fell too far, was in way too deep.
guess i let you get the best of me.
i never saw it coming
i should've start running
a long, long time ago.
and i never thought i'd doubt you,
i'm better off without you
more than you know.
i'm slowly gettin' closure,
i guess it's really over.
i'm finally getting better.
and now i'm pickin' up the pieces
i'm spending all of these years
putting my heart back together]
[what about now,
what about today?
what if you're making me
all that i was meant to be?
what if our love
never went away?
what if it's lost behind
words we could never find?
baby before it's too late,
what about now?]
[it's possible]
minus you.
[PS]
those aren't about me.
they're about you.
EDIT:
Added at a later time...
I was in a fabulous mood earlier today. I got online, was feelin' good, went for an awesome run, went shopping, got a cute swimsuit :) But of course there's always a reality check. Seems like they are more frequent now.
Right now I'm writing a letter. I'm in a mood that is difficult to desribe. Sort of like pissed at the world because of one specific thing. No, I'm just extremely touchy. And bitter.
I don't know how to vent anymore. I don't know how to feel about things anymore. I know I have to stick to my story; I can't let my guard down.
I'm done.
i was the only one around.
you were the first star that i'd see.
i look around me,
and i want you to be there
'cause i miss the things that we shared.
look around you,
it's empty and you're sad
'cause you miss the love that we had]
[now that it's all said and done
i can't believe you were the one
to build me up and tear me down,
like an old abandoned house.
what you said when you left
just left me cold and out of breath
i fell too far, was in way too deep.
guess i let you get the best of me.
i never saw it coming
i should've start running
a long, long time ago.
and i never thought i'd doubt you,
i'm better off without you
more than you know.
i'm slowly gettin' closure,
i guess it's really over.
i'm finally getting better.
and now i'm pickin' up the pieces
i'm spending all of these years
putting my heart back together]
[what about now,
what about today?
what if you're making me
all that i was meant to be?
what if our love
never went away?
what if it's lost behind
words we could never find?
baby before it's too late,
what about now?]
[it's possible]
minus you.
[PS]
those aren't about me.
they're about you.
EDIT:
Added at a later time...
I was in a fabulous mood earlier today. I got online, was feelin' good, went for an awesome run, went shopping, got a cute swimsuit :) But of course there's always a reality check. Seems like they are more frequent now.
Right now I'm writing a letter. I'm in a mood that is difficult to desribe. Sort of like pissed at the world because of one specific thing. No, I'm just extremely touchy. And bitter.
I don't know how to vent anymore. I don't know how to feel about things anymore. I know I have to stick to my story; I can't let my guard down.
I'm done.
my list.
So a bit more therapy for myself since it is my blog and I can basically do what I please…
I’ve decided to make a few lists of things … actually I really don’t know how many lists I will make except I know at least three: one list of likes about myself, one list of dislikes, and one list of stuff I want to become. It’s just something for me to get to know myself with and know who I want to be in life.
Alright, here goes nothing.
[♥] I love …
My friendliness towards other people.
That I’m a people person.
That I believe in God.
That I have such an awesome family … most days.
That I have a good support system of friends and family.
That I am healthy.
That I have a job … two jobs, three if you wanna get technical.
That I’m going to school … more specifically, Michigan :D
That I’m not overweight, nor underweight.
My long legs :)
My muscles that exist solely because of Hornet Power with mennn.
My extremely full lips.
The fact that I didn’t have to have braces.
My crazy man abs- they get their own shout out ‘cause there ridiculous.
My skin’s ability to tan :)
My two different colored eyes :D
That I don’t drink or smoke.
That I have a roof over my head.
My gap-toothed two front teeth.
That I can type 150+ words per minute.
That I can text a lot of words per minute.
That I have willpower, stamina, and endurance.
My confidence.
My extremely small wrists, even if they do look anorexic.
That I’m somewhat smart.
That I know what I’m going to do with my life.
My short attention span and that I’m easily amused.
That I can run. Really far…
The flirtatious side of me ;)
[x] I dislike …
My freckles.
My flat feet.
That I can’t sing.
That I have to wear glasses/contacts.
My crooked spine … haha.
My feet, along with everyone else’s.
My typically dry skin.
My bitterness towards love.
[*] I hope to …
Graduate from the University of Michigan.
Become an eye doctor.
Live in NYC for a few years.
Become closer with God.
Not become a partier.
Not become a smoker … of any kind.
To move on.
To be independent.
To fall in love again & possibly even get married.
Become rich :)
Live long. & prosper :)
To move south to the warmth :D
To find the perfect guy (Italian, a good cook, able to fly a plane, and a chiropractor) ;)
Continue to stay healthy.
Stay close to my family.
Make new friends, good friends.
Make something of myself.
So the compilation of those lists took forever. So three is plenty for the night. Though I’m a bit frustrated about some other things that happened today, I will wait and write those tomorrow.
I’ve decided to make a few lists of things … actually I really don’t know how many lists I will make except I know at least three: one list of likes about myself, one list of dislikes, and one list of stuff I want to become. It’s just something for me to get to know myself with and know who I want to be in life.
Alright, here goes nothing.
[♥] I love …
My friendliness towards other people.
That I’m a people person.
That I believe in God.
That I have such an awesome family … most days.
That I have a good support system of friends and family.
That I am healthy.
That I have a job … two jobs, three if you wanna get technical.
That I’m going to school … more specifically, Michigan :D
That I’m not overweight, nor underweight.
My long legs :)
My muscles that exist solely because of Hornet Power with mennn.
My extremely full lips.
The fact that I didn’t have to have braces.
My crazy man abs- they get their own shout out ‘cause there ridiculous.
My skin’s ability to tan :)
My two different colored eyes :D
That I don’t drink or smoke.
That I have a roof over my head.
My gap-toothed two front teeth.
That I can type 150+ words per minute.
That I can text a lot of words per minute.
That I have willpower, stamina, and endurance.
My confidence.
My extremely small wrists, even if they do look anorexic.
That I’m somewhat smart.
That I know what I’m going to do with my life.
My short attention span and that I’m easily amused.
That I can run. Really far…
The flirtatious side of me ;)
[x] I dislike …
My freckles.
My flat feet.
That I can’t sing.
That I have to wear glasses/contacts.
My crooked spine … haha.
My feet, along with everyone else’s.
My typically dry skin.
My bitterness towards love.
[*] I hope to …
Graduate from the University of Michigan.
Become an eye doctor.
Live in NYC for a few years.
Become closer with God.
Not become a partier.
Not become a smoker … of any kind.
To move on.
To be independent.
To fall in love again & possibly even get married.
Become rich :)
Live long. & prosper :)
To move south to the warmth :D
To find the perfect guy (Italian, a good cook, able to fly a plane, and a chiropractor) ;)
Continue to stay healthy.
Stay close to my family.
Make new friends, good friends.
Make something of myself.
So the compilation of those lists took forever. So three is plenty for the night. Though I’m a bit frustrated about some other things that happened today, I will wait and write those tomorrow.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
busy busy busy
I'm beginning to like this whole busy thing to be quite honest. It makes me forget things. But then there's always something that catches up to me ... it just has to remind me that reality needs to set in and everything isn't so wonderful as it seems.
I love my new job though. I actually look forward to going to work ... even though I typically work anywhere from 6-8 hours with no breaks, no dinner, no idea of what's going to happen next ... I still love it :) And I love the people too :) They are seriously a riot :) But at the same time, I am beyond exhaustion. I'm so tired and my feet hurt so freakin' bad by the time I am done. Not to mention my social life ... and education ... is slowly going down the drain.
And I'm not going to lie ... it's a good thing I'm not with David anymore because he would be pissed because this would have been the third time that I woudln't have been able to talk to him.
But oh reality must remind me that things are working out with us being broke up.
Yeah ... _ _ _ _ reality too.
Along with Valentine's Day..
and drinking.
Tomorrow I get my hair done :DD
and I work at the Hunt Club :DD
& I hope you hurt.
And figure it out soon.
That what you want
isn't what you've got.
'cause now you have nothing.
Me,
I don't think so :)
I love my new job though. I actually look forward to going to work ... even though I typically work anywhere from 6-8 hours with no breaks, no dinner, no idea of what's going to happen next ... I still love it :) And I love the people too :) They are seriously a riot :) But at the same time, I am beyond exhaustion. I'm so tired and my feet hurt so freakin' bad by the time I am done. Not to mention my social life ... and education ... is slowly going down the drain.
And I'm not going to lie ... it's a good thing I'm not with David anymore because he would be pissed because this would have been the third time that I woudln't have been able to talk to him.
But oh reality must remind me that things are working out with us being broke up.
Yeah ... _ _ _ _ reality too.
Along with Valentine's Day..
and drinking.
Tomorrow I get my hair done :DD
and I work at the Hunt Club :DD
& I hope you hurt.
And figure it out soon.
That what you want
isn't what you've got.
'cause now you have nothing.
Me,
I don't think so :)
Friday, February 15, 2008
maybe i should hate you for this...
Oh wait, I do.
I started work last night.
I was there from 4-11 ... then I locked my keys in my car ... as it was running ... while it was on E. Then I went to Taco Bell with Tyler ... where our total was $6.66. Then we proceeded to eat in my car while the lady inside the gas station stared us down as if we were about to break in and rob her store as she counted her drawer. Then ... we left and feared for our lives because of the 6.66. Then Tyler almost got T-boned and died; I'm thinking because of the 6.66 total thing. So this means I didn't get home 'til almost 11:30. I had to study for a psych test. Went to bed.
Didn't go to first hour. Took my test second hour. Went to third and fourth hour. Got a 40 page outline and worksheet on what I'm going to do to study for AP. And that's just the first one.
Got outta school, went stupid tanning for our cruise, got home, showered, set up some fafsa stuff for my mom, went to work.
Which is a whole 'nother story. And when I have time, I will tell it, though it will piss me off immensely.
To sum it up, I washed dishes, got home and midnight, have a spanish test tomorrow which I am skipping, along with psych ... I had to stay up 'til one to do my fafsa and another financial aid thing for Michigan ... and now I'm writing here 'cause I need to vent a bit.
Oh and ps...
it's friggin Valentine's Day.
Gag me.
Have a great one...
I started work last night.
I was there from 4-11 ... then I locked my keys in my car ... as it was running ... while it was on E. Then I went to Taco Bell with Tyler ... where our total was $6.66. Then we proceeded to eat in my car while the lady inside the gas station stared us down as if we were about to break in and rob her store as she counted her drawer. Then ... we left and feared for our lives because of the 6.66. Then Tyler almost got T-boned and died; I'm thinking because of the 6.66 total thing. So this means I didn't get home 'til almost 11:30. I had to study for a psych test. Went to bed.
Didn't go to first hour. Took my test second hour. Went to third and fourth hour. Got a 40 page outline and worksheet on what I'm going to do to study for AP. And that's just the first one.
Got outta school, went stupid tanning for our cruise, got home, showered, set up some fafsa stuff for my mom, went to work.
Which is a whole 'nother story. And when I have time, I will tell it, though it will piss me off immensely.
To sum it up, I washed dishes, got home and midnight, have a spanish test tomorrow which I am skipping, along with psych ... I had to stay up 'til one to do my fafsa and another financial aid thing for Michigan ... and now I'm writing here 'cause I need to vent a bit.
Oh and ps...
it's friggin Valentine's Day.
Gag me.
Have a great one...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
_ _ _ _ valentine's day ... and some drinking too.
The future is something that has always been lectured to me about, whether by my parents, my friends, my exes, my family … and don’t get me wrong, it’s something very important. Very, very important. I look at my future as something that is capable of changing, but for the most part, I have a set idea of how it is to be. I don’t deal with change well … at all. And the way I have my life set out, it doesn’t call for any changes or any big alterations. I have it set and so far, so good, for the most part. There are a few things I would’ve liked to have changed, but they’re things I have no control over.
Something that I don’t plan on including in my future is drinking. Since … I dunno, partying has come up in my life, I have never been interested. I always turned the other cheek and walked away, acted like it wasn’t there; heck, I never really understood that it was there and just how much it was there. I’ve never liked drinking for several reasons. My dad is a drinker, my mom partied in high school and it got her no where, I’ve had boyfriends who have messed up when they drank, friends who have made bad choices, just numerous situations that have set my mind to believe that drinking is nothing important, nothing fun, nothing that needed to be in my life. Several people close to me have began to drink or have experimented with it and with so many people doing it nowadays, I do get curious. But at the same time, how much more I would love to sit and brag about how I waited ‘til I was 21 to drink rather than brag about how much beer I can bong in however many minutes. Heck, I don’t even know how bonging beer works. But anyways, I have sort of thought about it. But then I think how it’s only three more years. People claim that when they drink, they create some of the best memories of their lives. But five minutes later, they claim they can’t remember anything from that night. They weren’t that great of memories if they don’t make enough impact for you to remember them. Maybe I should stop venting about drinking and just explain why I’m writing this. I don’t want to end up with the entire school threatening to trash my car because I projected my opinion. And if anyone has a problem with it, I’m all ears and always willing to listen to your side of the story :)
Continuing on…
Today in first hour, I was talking with some people and something was said about going to Michigan. And a few people said that when I went up there I was going to see everything possible. Well yes, I know that. And it scares the crap outta me. I don’t wanna come back a partier, someone who would rather go down a beer than study for my upcoming exam. I don’t have room to mess up or get screwed over. Like I said, I have no room for change. And drinking would be changing. As we continued talking about this all, I sort of changed my mind. I began to believe what they and I was saying. I basically agreed and said that I would probably end up coming back the best partier and kick everyone else’s butts in beer pong/bong. I began to realize that I was changing just so I could get in on the conversation. Why? I don’t want to drink … I want nothing to do with it. So why was I changing that?
So I’ve decided to vow that I was at least going to hold out until sophomore year to experiment with alcohol (wow, do I sound like a nerd). Yes, it’s not the goal I started with but I know that holding out just ‘til then is going to be so hard. I’m in high school and I’m having temptations, imagine what college is going to be like with no parents, no supervision, no anything to stop me.
But I’m going to do it :)
Ps-
I found this quote on an old friend’s profile on her aim account … Mara :) And I absolutely love it.. so here it is.
A broken heart is not what i wanted from this,
but i guess i've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause i'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Rememeber when you held my hand
like you'd never let me go,
Remember when we talked about
where we'd be a year from now?
Something that I don’t plan on including in my future is drinking. Since … I dunno, partying has come up in my life, I have never been interested. I always turned the other cheek and walked away, acted like it wasn’t there; heck, I never really understood that it was there and just how much it was there. I’ve never liked drinking for several reasons. My dad is a drinker, my mom partied in high school and it got her no where, I’ve had boyfriends who have messed up when they drank, friends who have made bad choices, just numerous situations that have set my mind to believe that drinking is nothing important, nothing fun, nothing that needed to be in my life. Several people close to me have began to drink or have experimented with it and with so many people doing it nowadays, I do get curious. But at the same time, how much more I would love to sit and brag about how I waited ‘til I was 21 to drink rather than brag about how much beer I can bong in however many minutes. Heck, I don’t even know how bonging beer works. But anyways, I have sort of thought about it. But then I think how it’s only three more years. People claim that when they drink, they create some of the best memories of their lives. But five minutes later, they claim they can’t remember anything from that night. They weren’t that great of memories if they don’t make enough impact for you to remember them. Maybe I should stop venting about drinking and just explain why I’m writing this. I don’t want to end up with the entire school threatening to trash my car because I projected my opinion. And if anyone has a problem with it, I’m all ears and always willing to listen to your side of the story :)
Continuing on…
Today in first hour, I was talking with some people and something was said about going to Michigan. And a few people said that when I went up there I was going to see everything possible. Well yes, I know that. And it scares the crap outta me. I don’t wanna come back a partier, someone who would rather go down a beer than study for my upcoming exam. I don’t have room to mess up or get screwed over. Like I said, I have no room for change. And drinking would be changing. As we continued talking about this all, I sort of changed my mind. I began to believe what they and I was saying. I basically agreed and said that I would probably end up coming back the best partier and kick everyone else’s butts in beer pong/bong. I began to realize that I was changing just so I could get in on the conversation. Why? I don’t want to drink … I want nothing to do with it. So why was I changing that?
So I’ve decided to vow that I was at least going to hold out until sophomore year to experiment with alcohol (wow, do I sound like a nerd). Yes, it’s not the goal I started with but I know that holding out just ‘til then is going to be so hard. I’m in high school and I’m having temptations, imagine what college is going to be like with no parents, no supervision, no anything to stop me.
But I’m going to do it :)
Ps-
I found this quote on an old friend’s profile on her aim account … Mara :) And I absolutely love it.. so here it is.
A broken heart is not what i wanted from this,
but i guess i've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause i'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Rememeber when you held my hand
like you'd never let me go,
Remember when we talked about
where we'd be a year from now?
and pss-
i frickin hate valentine's day.
and i'm sick of the cheesey love commercials.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
in a perfect world.
So tonight was interesting enough, yeah?
I don’t even know what to vent about anymore. I don’t know what to say about stuff, what to think. The first Monday after it happened, we had small group and one of the girls said to me, “Wow, you’re doing really well for it being two years. I would still be an absolute mess.” But the thing is, I’m not doing well. I’m not composed, I’m not put together, I have no clue what is going on inside my head, my heart, my body. I am completely lost and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t like dressing up, I don’t like going out, I don’t like sitting at home, I don’t like watching movies, listening to the radio, anything that reminds me of him. The stars, a show, a lyric to a song, a color, a car, a game; they all have to do with him. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I’ve changed so much … he’s told me that. I don’t need him to tell me that, I already know that. What was I supposed to do, stay the same? Act like nothing happened?
And it doesn’t stop.
I don’t even know what to vent about anymore. I don’t know what to say about stuff, what to think. The first Monday after it happened, we had small group and one of the girls said to me, “Wow, you’re doing really well for it being two years. I would still be an absolute mess.” But the thing is, I’m not doing well. I’m not composed, I’m not put together, I have no clue what is going on inside my head, my heart, my body. I am completely lost and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t like dressing up, I don’t like going out, I don’t like sitting at home, I don’t like watching movies, listening to the radio, anything that reminds me of him. The stars, a show, a lyric to a song, a color, a car, a game; they all have to do with him. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I’ve changed so much … he’s told me that. I don’t need him to tell me that, I already know that. What was I supposed to do, stay the same? Act like nothing happened?
And it doesn’t stop.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
oh high school, oh high school :)
There’s those all American high schools where all they do is live, eat, breathe football season. Then there’s the high schools where cheerleading is actually cool. The high schools where there are no cliques and everyone simply gets along; and the high schools where everyday until you graduate, you meet someone new. Our high school doesn’t fit into any of those categories. We more of live for the drama, we think cheerleading is no where near cool (no offense to you cheerleaders), we certainly have cliques, and by the first day you can be almost guaranteed to know everyone’s name. But then there’s those times at our high school where I actually think to myself, wow, I will remember this night, or this day, or this game. Tonight was one of those nights.
For some reason, our school can always manage to get hyped up about Homecoming; perhaps not during the lame attempts of Dress-Up-Days, and not during the Lunch Time Games, and typically not even during the pep assemblies. No, we only get hyped up about the game, even if we lose (and this was the first time we lost … and there’s a reason for it). Somehow, we all manage to, for once, get along with everyone. We manage to make sure we tell every girl on court how beautiful they really do look all glitzed up and that all the boys clean up nice in their tuxes and fresh shave. We all manage to sit together in the stands as one student section, cheering on our boys in whatever sport they’re playing. It’s pretty cool when we all come together and act like a real school, because Hillsdale is definitely not something I would consider to be your typical school as I have already explained above.
Homecoming the past years in high school haven’t been all that big of a deal. Sophomore year was pretty fun but that was because I was on court, big puffy dress and all. I don’t remember much from the other dances. I suppose that was because it wasn’t a real big deal … I was just there to be there. Senior year, I have realized that it’s my last year, the final. It’s a bit scary to know that I won’t be attending anymore dances where I don’t care what I look like and I can do whatever the hell I want. And so far, my senior year has been a blast, homecoming and all.
Fall Homecoming was naturally, a riot. Yes, I was on court and all that other stuff but I had real people to hang out with who truthfully wanted to be my friends and cared deeply about me. Though I was at the dance for about an hour and a half, it was so much fun. Yes, I had to get up and go to a cross country race the next day, which I ran horribly at, but hey, it was still a blast.
Winter Homecoming was amusing as well. I wasn’t at all excited about it earlier today, it was just another game, another night. I had to work, going to work was a drag, my introduction to the new waitress who is supposed to be re-training us all was not the best of introductions, but it wiggled me onto her good side due to sympathy, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. Then I got out early, I got to go to the game and catch the whole second half. Though I was running on empty, I think I got pretty into it with my cranky remarks and ridiculous cheers. By the end of the game, I was excited for the crowning … and the dance afterwards :) This time the dance was especially fun. I just hung out with my friends, danced like no one was watching, and did not participate in having sex on the dance floor.
I just let lose, and shook that rrrrrrumpa :)
For some reason, our school can always manage to get hyped up about Homecoming; perhaps not during the lame attempts of Dress-Up-Days, and not during the Lunch Time Games, and typically not even during the pep assemblies. No, we only get hyped up about the game, even if we lose (and this was the first time we lost … and there’s a reason for it). Somehow, we all manage to, for once, get along with everyone. We manage to make sure we tell every girl on court how beautiful they really do look all glitzed up and that all the boys clean up nice in their tuxes and fresh shave. We all manage to sit together in the stands as one student section, cheering on our boys in whatever sport they’re playing. It’s pretty cool when we all come together and act like a real school, because Hillsdale is definitely not something I would consider to be your typical school as I have already explained above.
Homecoming the past years in high school haven’t been all that big of a deal. Sophomore year was pretty fun but that was because I was on court, big puffy dress and all. I don’t remember much from the other dances. I suppose that was because it wasn’t a real big deal … I was just there to be there. Senior year, I have realized that it’s my last year, the final. It’s a bit scary to know that I won’t be attending anymore dances where I don’t care what I look like and I can do whatever the hell I want. And so far, my senior year has been a blast, homecoming and all.
Fall Homecoming was naturally, a riot. Yes, I was on court and all that other stuff but I had real people to hang out with who truthfully wanted to be my friends and cared deeply about me. Though I was at the dance for about an hour and a half, it was so much fun. Yes, I had to get up and go to a cross country race the next day, which I ran horribly at, but hey, it was still a blast.
Winter Homecoming was amusing as well. I wasn’t at all excited about it earlier today, it was just another game, another night. I had to work, going to work was a drag, my introduction to the new waitress who is supposed to be re-training us all was not the best of introductions, but it wiggled me onto her good side due to sympathy, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. Then I got out early, I got to go to the game and catch the whole second half. Though I was running on empty, I think I got pretty into it with my cranky remarks and ridiculous cheers. By the end of the game, I was excited for the crowning … and the dance afterwards :) This time the dance was especially fun. I just hung out with my friends, danced like no one was watching, and did not participate in having sex on the dance floor.
I just let lose, and shook that rrrrrrumpa :)
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Creative juices?
My … creativity juices have been flowing all day. Much like yesterday. I’ve noticed things that I’ve changed about myself. For instance, when I get really upset with anything really, I used to write poems. Now I simply go running or write about it … it’s a bit odd. By finding words and sentences that just flow, I feel I get my point across.
Well, it’s been a week today. I have come to reality with it all. I understand it’s going through, I figured that out a long time ago… like five minutes after we hung up the phone. Everyone said, “Oh don’t worry, it’s temporary. It’ll blow over.” I knew it would be different. Now it’s just the point of forgetting things. A song comes on and the words just scream your name. A movie is on tv and naturally, it’s one that I watched … or “watched” with you. Or someone who doesn’t know simply asks how you’re doing and I just look at them and say, “Ya know, I really couldn’t tell ya.”
The one thing that really gets me though is that there was nothing wrong. I was talking to someone the other day and they just kept saying, “I never noticed anything, I thought you were so happy with each other.” All I could say is, “Yep, me too.”
And it’s not like I can ever fully forget you. No matter what, whoever I date, I am going to have to explain to them who you are. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. I have to explain who you were to me and how I thought everything was okay, though it’s no excuse.
It hurts and I still don’t understand. But I never will.
And ps
Whether or not you continue to read these … since you read the first one and I never wanted you to … I do not know. But they aren’t written to be read by you. They’re written simply for me to spill my guts online to no one who really cares. And I can type faster than I can write and it’s guaranteed that my mother will never read these. Yes, they seem like they’re written to you because that’s the form I write them. I write them like I am literally talking to you, so I can have some sort of closure I guess if you can call it that. It keeps me from talking to you. To be honest, I don’t want you to read these. Any of them ‘cause you’re gone, you’re not supposed to have any idea what’s going on in my head. I don’t want you to either. But I continue to write and I understand I post them so that gives you every right to read, but it’s up to you to look. And it doesn’t matter if they hurt you anyway, you’re not coming back, what’s the difference.
I’ve moved on to bitter.
Is it obvious?
Well, it’s been a week today. I have come to reality with it all. I understand it’s going through, I figured that out a long time ago… like five minutes after we hung up the phone. Everyone said, “Oh don’t worry, it’s temporary. It’ll blow over.” I knew it would be different. Now it’s just the point of forgetting things. A song comes on and the words just scream your name. A movie is on tv and naturally, it’s one that I watched … or “watched” with you. Or someone who doesn’t know simply asks how you’re doing and I just look at them and say, “Ya know, I really couldn’t tell ya.”
The one thing that really gets me though is that there was nothing wrong. I was talking to someone the other day and they just kept saying, “I never noticed anything, I thought you were so happy with each other.” All I could say is, “Yep, me too.”
And it’s not like I can ever fully forget you. No matter what, whoever I date, I am going to have to explain to them who you are. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. I have to explain who you were to me and how I thought everything was okay, though it’s no excuse.
It hurts and I still don’t understand. But I never will.
And ps
Whether or not you continue to read these … since you read the first one and I never wanted you to … I do not know. But they aren’t written to be read by you. They’re written simply for me to spill my guts online to no one who really cares. And I can type faster than I can write and it’s guaranteed that my mother will never read these. Yes, they seem like they’re written to you because that’s the form I write them. I write them like I am literally talking to you, so I can have some sort of closure I guess if you can call it that. It keeps me from talking to you. To be honest, I don’t want you to read these. Any of them ‘cause you’re gone, you’re not supposed to have any idea what’s going on in my head. I don’t want you to either. But I continue to write and I understand I post them so that gives you every right to read, but it’s up to you to look. And it doesn’t matter if they hurt you anyway, you’re not coming back, what’s the difference.
I’ve moved on to bitter.
Is it obvious?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
beyond exhaustion
I love codine. I especially love cough syrup with codine. I just got some prescribed to me for my upper respirotry infection. I just woke up from a nap and I'm a bit tripped out.
Perfect time for writing.
Today was a hard day. So was yesterday. They've been a bit on and off. Some days are harder than others.
I have random epiphany's in the most random places... for instance, today was in the shower while I was shaving my legs. Now, I can't remember exactly what it was about but dang, did it make sense. And naturally, I wouldn't remember when it most made sense.
Perfect time for writing.
Today was a hard day. So was yesterday. They've been a bit on and off. Some days are harder than others.
I have random epiphany's in the most random places... for instance, today was in the shower while I was shaving my legs. Now, I can't remember exactly what it was about but dang, did it make sense. And naturally, I wouldn't remember when it most made sense.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Escape ... S-cop-aaaaa
Finding Nemo was perhaps one of the greatest movies ever. Not only was it simple with a complex moral and story behind it, it was funny, cute, and quotable. And something has always been quoted is her mispronunciation of the word, “escape.” Hence, the title of my blog tonight.
I’ve finally figured out how to get away from the world. I’ve also found that Forrest Gump and I have more in common than I thought.
“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.”
How I wish I could run like that. I think if I had the time and no life, I would do that. Running is my high. I run when I’m stressed, I run for fun, I run in the rain, I run in the snow, in the sun, in the grass … I just run. The past few months where I haven’t been able to run, it’s been very difficult to deal with stress. Then, all of this happened and for once, I can run it off. So that’s what I’ve been doing. On Friday, I ran my two miles and had all that soreness the next day, but did I care? Nope, I went and ran again on Saturday, creating more pain. And on Sunday, well that was a not so good day. I went and ran and listened to my iPod, and thought about things, and I was back in my driveway in less than nine minutes. All I could do was think about what was going on, how it made me feel, what it made me want to do. I thought about it all until it flat out pissed me off and so I ran it off. I could feel everything I felt hit that pavement every time I took a stride; every time I lifted my foot off the pavement, I could feel a bit more of a burden being lifted. It sounds so cliché and stupid, but it’s the honest truth. Running releases something in me, it makes me so passionate, so aware of my surroundings, of my thoughts, of my body, of my existence. And I love stepping out to run. I love walking down my driveway to the road where I may have to wait for a car to drive by, but it’s then when I feel invincible. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me, nothing can get anywhere near me because I’m about to run. I’m sure the look on my face is priceless; I’m sure I probably look like a pissed off anorexic with ridiculously muscular legs. But I’m not going to lie, I feel like a real BA. An invincible, BA runner.
It’s been since Thursday. It hurts. What else is new, anyways..
The Part Where You Let Go
(Dan Messe)
When the rain breaks the road
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To your last good day
When the stone breaks the wheel
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
Til the stone rolls away
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And tumbling out of a window
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
When the sun leaves the field
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To the last sweet light
When the flame leaves your eyes
I still see you there
I still see you there
On your darkest night
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you now
As your hand's breaking free
I am holding on
I am holding on
As you've held on to me
And I don't know
Is this the part where we let go
Tumbling out of a window
Is this the part you're there for me
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
Half Asleep
(Dan Messe)
I want to tell you
I've watched the waves
That wake the sea
The lightning that wakes up the ground
And my heart has been half asleep inside of me
It wakes up when you come around
I want to tell you I've watched the moon
That trips the tide
The shadows that trip on the tree
And I'm wearing a blindfold, a shoelace untied
I'm steady when you're next to me
I've been half asleep all of my life
Lost in the dark of some perilous night
Is that you or some beautiful light
Finally coming around
And my heart has been half asleep all of my life
It wakes up when you come around
It wakes up when you come around
I’ve finally figured out how to get away from the world. I’ve also found that Forrest Gump and I have more in common than I thought.
“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.”
How I wish I could run like that. I think if I had the time and no life, I would do that. Running is my high. I run when I’m stressed, I run for fun, I run in the rain, I run in the snow, in the sun, in the grass … I just run. The past few months where I haven’t been able to run, it’s been very difficult to deal with stress. Then, all of this happened and for once, I can run it off. So that’s what I’ve been doing. On Friday, I ran my two miles and had all that soreness the next day, but did I care? Nope, I went and ran again on Saturday, creating more pain. And on Sunday, well that was a not so good day. I went and ran and listened to my iPod, and thought about things, and I was back in my driveway in less than nine minutes. All I could do was think about what was going on, how it made me feel, what it made me want to do. I thought about it all until it flat out pissed me off and so I ran it off. I could feel everything I felt hit that pavement every time I took a stride; every time I lifted my foot off the pavement, I could feel a bit more of a burden being lifted. It sounds so cliché and stupid, but it’s the honest truth. Running releases something in me, it makes me so passionate, so aware of my surroundings, of my thoughts, of my body, of my existence. And I love stepping out to run. I love walking down my driveway to the road where I may have to wait for a car to drive by, but it’s then when I feel invincible. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me, nothing can get anywhere near me because I’m about to run. I’m sure the look on my face is priceless; I’m sure I probably look like a pissed off anorexic with ridiculously muscular legs. But I’m not going to lie, I feel like a real BA. An invincible, BA runner.
It’s been since Thursday. It hurts. What else is new, anyways..
The Part Where You Let Go
(Dan Messe)
When the rain breaks the road
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To your last good day
When the stone breaks the wheel
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
Til the stone rolls away
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And tumbling out of a window
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
When the sun leaves the field
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To the last sweet light
When the flame leaves your eyes
I still see you there
I still see you there
On your darkest night
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you now
As your hand's breaking free
I am holding on
I am holding on
As you've held on to me
And I don't know
Is this the part where we let go
Tumbling out of a window
Is this the part you're there for me
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
Half Asleep
(Dan Messe)
I want to tell you
I've watched the waves
That wake the sea
The lightning that wakes up the ground
And my heart has been half asleep inside of me
It wakes up when you come around
I want to tell you I've watched the moon
That trips the tide
The shadows that trip on the tree
And I'm wearing a blindfold, a shoelace untied
I'm steady when you're next to me
I've been half asleep all of my life
Lost in the dark of some perilous night
Is that you or some beautiful light
Finally coming around
And my heart has been half asleep all of my life
It wakes up when you come around
It wakes up when you come around
Friday, February 1, 2008
past vs present
So I will begin with the fact that I was ridculously bored today. I woke up to a snow day (Hallelujah), went back to bed, had bad dreams, went back to bed, and finally woke up at 10:30. Got up, lazed around, took a shower, and started cleaning my room. And when I say cleaning my room, I mean cleaning. my. room. That sucker got dusted, swept, moved around, the works. And I'm not gonna lie, it looks much much better :) I guess I understand why my mother always asks me to clean it :)
Anyways..
After that, I went for a run. Two miles, 22:05. Yes, I ran two miles in twenty-two minutes. And I am feeling the pain. I stretched twice today ... BEFORE I ran and then once afterwards. I'm not supposed to be sore. But whatever, I welcome it with open arms. I miss the days of running five miles and not looking forward to practice and then feeling so satisfied when you're done. It's true, you get high off of running. So then I came home, showered, talked to my mom for a bit, and we all went tanning. Took about ten minutes since we all are only in the beds for less than eight. Came home, had dinner, watched Meet The Parents ... and here I am.
I am dreading going to bed. I hate it now. The nights are the hardest, it's true. But sometimes I just cry until it hurts, cry until I can't keep my eyes open, and then fall asleep in two seconds. But when I sleep, I tend to dream and they might be a great dream at first, but I always wake up. And then I begin a new dream, and in order to make up for that great dream, the following one is typically a not-so-great dream. So now, I hate going to sleep. I used to wake up a bit differently. Now I wake up just how I go to bed.
Tonight I got bored, because I'm trying to avoid going to sleep :P and I stumbled across some old things from about two years ago. Wow, they were definately interesting. I found my old MSNspace with all of my Quote of the Days (best thing I ever did) and old blogs. And then I found a link to my two oldest blogs ... all the way back from freshman year if I wanted to go back far enough. So I skimmed the last twenty and it's interesting. I stopped writing in one the day after a bad spell with Will ... the last time with Will ... the end of Will ... and the beginning of David. It's odd to see how I used to talk, act, feel about things. Little things that I dont' really remember. It also brings back a lot of memories that are both good and bad. I had to chuckle at some of the Quote of the Days because I rememeber them happening. I also did a list of confessions and random things about my life back then and those are the same way, either really funny, or somewhat painful.
All I know is..
is that I'm slowly getting there.
Unwillingly.
Anyways..
After that, I went for a run. Two miles, 22:05. Yes, I ran two miles in twenty-two minutes. And I am feeling the pain. I stretched twice today ... BEFORE I ran and then once afterwards. I'm not supposed to be sore. But whatever, I welcome it with open arms. I miss the days of running five miles and not looking forward to practice and then feeling so satisfied when you're done. It's true, you get high off of running. So then I came home, showered, talked to my mom for a bit, and we all went tanning. Took about ten minutes since we all are only in the beds for less than eight. Came home, had dinner, watched Meet The Parents ... and here I am.
I am dreading going to bed. I hate it now. The nights are the hardest, it's true. But sometimes I just cry until it hurts, cry until I can't keep my eyes open, and then fall asleep in two seconds. But when I sleep, I tend to dream and they might be a great dream at first, but I always wake up. And then I begin a new dream, and in order to make up for that great dream, the following one is typically a not-so-great dream. So now, I hate going to sleep. I used to wake up a bit differently. Now I wake up just how I go to bed.
Tonight I got bored, because I'm trying to avoid going to sleep :P and I stumbled across some old things from about two years ago. Wow, they were definately interesting. I found my old MSNspace with all of my Quote of the Days (best thing I ever did) and old blogs. And then I found a link to my two oldest blogs ... all the way back from freshman year if I wanted to go back far enough. So I skimmed the last twenty and it's interesting. I stopped writing in one the day after a bad spell with Will ... the last time with Will ... the end of Will ... and the beginning of David. It's odd to see how I used to talk, act, feel about things. Little things that I dont' really remember. It also brings back a lot of memories that are both good and bad. I had to chuckle at some of the Quote of the Days because I rememeber them happening. I also did a list of confessions and random things about my life back then and those are the same way, either really funny, or somewhat painful.
All I know is..
is that I'm slowly getting there.
Unwillingly.
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