This topic has come up quite often in the past few weeks, whether through myself, other people, or conversations. It seems to be that this time of year is a bit stressful for most, maybe more in the college/upper level education department rather than others.
I have been extremely busy with school work and managing my time, grades, social life, family life, you know, the aspects of life? It's not a simple task by any means, but sometimes, it's all we can do to get through it, through life.
I am not trying to victimize myself or shoot up my role as an arrogant, self-centered college student, but they definitely don't tell you how hard it is going to be. I never realized that until this year, when I figured out that I had to up my grades, become more involved, and still find time to eat and sleep and, if I'm lucky, maybe leave my room or the library or a classroom for a little fun with . . . omg, friends! It's very difficult to grasp that my life is currently controlled by a facility that requires a payment of $20,000 a year so that I can learn in a high stress environment just how "the real world works."
Sure, college isn't raising a child alone, it's not living on the streets, it's not EXACTLY fending for yourself (thanks Ma and Pa . . . and Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle and Aunt and . . . you get the picture), but it is a lot for someone who is with months of age and leaving the only place they've ever been to experience, well, the sky is the limit.
I have found several healthy and unhealthy ways to relieve my stress- running, eating (this would be the healthy), not eating (clearly, unhealthy . . . and when I say not eating, I mean having no appetite, not starving . . . ), sleeping, or just slumming around in general. Typically, if I fall into a dizzy spell, I can pull myself out again by narrowing my mind into thinking that there is no other thing I could possibly doing that would benefit me more than studying for biology, or doing stats homework, or making chemistry flashcards. Naturally, I am telling myself a full-blooded lie and I typically pay for it in the end by a "brief" facebook stalking, telephone conversation, or video-chatting.
But sometimes, that isn't enough.
I do not cry.
It is the most oxy-moronic thing that I consider about myself- I am a girl who rarely cries.
This is the subject that has been brought to my attention several times, just within the past ew days. My friends have also been dealing with many weights upon their shoulders and have said the same thing: it has been a long time since they have broke down and cried as they have in the past few weeks.
I remember crying during the first few months of freshman year more than I had cried over a course of three years. Leaving one's comfort zone can expose some of the deepest depths of vulnerability in its worst form.
It's a bit like love- you dive in and hope you can swim back to the surface without popping your ears or hitting the bottom.
There really is nothing wrong with crying, for some people. One of my faults is that I do not know how to deal with someone who is crying. Should I pat them on the back? Perhaps rub their arm? Would I go as far as giving them a hug? And when is too much?
Crying, for me, is done when I am entirely alone and cannot be disturbed, and it's typically done at high levels of volume as well as high flowing of h2o. When I cry, I full. out. cry.
Once again, there is nothing wrong with this . . .
except that I view it as a weakness. Crying is a display of emotion that exhibits the pain and suffering felt within that cannot be put into words or phrases. It's something that humans were naturally built to express silent woes, fears, and other feelings.
I don't know why I choose not to cry, why I choose to ignore my inner emotions and such. I know that I find it weak, unattractive, and occasionally pathetic, but I have no idea where these findings came from.
I do know that college will probably help me deal with and sort out these mixed feelings I have . . . and if that doesn't, med school sure will (and I don't mean by books, I mean strictly by experience).
