In the past month, stress is one thing that has never ceased to invade and occupy my mind. The tears shed throughout that month could easily exceed the total rainfall for the month of April in Michigan. The causes of this stress and those tears range anywhere from a test score, an upcoming assignment, frustration with my family, friends, roommates, boyfriend, the guys who live in the same building, classmates, or the empty lonely feeling of not having a dog. Okay, maybe not the last one, but I mean, I would like to say something as that instead of other reasons.
I have been praying for a long, long time. I know that I have grown impatient and restless of the matter. And I've gone about several different ways of praying about these "demons," if you will.
Tangent to all of this:
Regret is not a feeling that occurs in my life. Although I can think of one, single regret: not telling my current boyfriend that I really wanted to try and date six years ago. The "catch" to this regret: look where I am now- he is my current boyfriend, so how can it be considered a true "regret?" (When asked whether or not I have regrets, this is the only thing that is closest to what I would consider a "regret") There was a time six years ago where the question was posed, if we should date. And stupidly, I answered no, which I thought ceased all potential relationship possibilities. In all honesty, I thought I had let him slip from my fingers. And that was always something I truly regretted. That was sophomore year of high school.
Over the next several years, our friendship dwindled and I thought I had finally convinced myself to move on and forget about the one "regret" I had in my life.
Freshman year of college, he found ways to weave himself back into my life. Random, short facebook messages or A "Happy 19th Birthday!" via facebook, regardless that I had never wished him a happy birthday the month prior to my own birthday. Any sort of contact replenished everything I had once felt, and as this occurred, I felt confused and a bit burdened. Naturally, I took it to God in prayer. I prayed for several months, especially each time after we shared some sort of contact. I remember one of the last prayers I said about the entire ordeal, "Please just point me in the direction of whether or not I should continue feeling this way, or if I should just move on completely. And whichever You wish for me to do, I pray that You help me to accept and honor Your wishes."
Within a month, we were making contact, only this time not via facebook. And thus, our relationship began. My prayers were answered after I had asked for help in the "right way."
I have been praying for answers to the different battles I have struggled with over the past month. Tonight, after fighting sleep to consider every single stressor I have, I finally confessed to God: "Here are my burdens. I turn them over to You entirely so that You my do as You please with me." I realized that I am not meant to walk alone in this life, and that I cannot do it on my own, I can depend on Him. I finally learned that He will always willingly carry those burdens for me.
My grandmother recited this to me several weeks ago, and clearly, I did not get the memo properly. Here I stand, worrying about things that I have no business worrying about, when I know and have seen for myself how answered prayers take time and asking the "right way." That is what makes me realize even more that I am human and cannot carry these burdens alone. I recognize that I came to the same conclusion two years ago (perhaps to the day or week) that I can not fight these earthly battles on my own and that sometimes, I need to offer these troubles to God.
After giving these up in prayer, my mind no longer wandered to questioning my future. Instead, I thought about my past and all of the ways God had shown Himself in my life. And my first thought was my first and only "regret," leading me to remember how perfect things turned out.
And thankfully, I feel my burdens lifted.
