A feeling I never thought I'd feel again.. / idenitity

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved (Ephesians 2:4-5).

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever (Psalm 136:26).

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:9-10).

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

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These are some verses I've found about God's love for us as an individual, a group, what have you. It's so powerful and strong.
Many define love as between two people. According to dictionary.com...

love
 [luhv] /lʌv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation

noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing. –noun

1.	a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.	a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.	sexual passion or desire.

4.	a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

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Society often forgets to address love as more than between two people, that love can exist between God and a single soul. I wrote a paper for my toughest teacher ever, Mrs. Wells. She was the new English teacher at Hillsdale and I took a class called Advanced Reading and Writing, basically, intro to AP English and decided not to take AP, which I deeply, deeply regret. Anyways, she never graded easily. We used to turn in a paper and she would rip it to shreds with her little red pen or, get this, she used purple too. I came to hate the color purple my junior year of high school. Our last assignment was to write a paper that we were to present orally to the class on ... something. I don't remember specifically. I chose to write about how the media clouds one's perception of love with movies and books and such when we should be basing love off of what the Bible says. Of course, she ate it up because she was a very religious woman. I will admit that I somewhat wrote the paper targeted towards her because I knew using a Bible reference would really spike her interests. It was one of those examples of latency, where I claimed I was writing what first popped into my head but in actuality, I was writing to get an A. Now this is not the case entirely. I wrote that paper because at that time, I was very in love with someone and I wanted to write of how the media portrayed and defined love in society; tying the Bible verse in was just brownie points.
I got 100% on that paper and it was my proudest piece I've ever written throughout my entire 12 years of school. Not because I got an A from the hardest teacher I'd had, but because I wrote it from the heart. I thought I was writing it directed towards Mrs. Wells when in actuality, something, rather someone else was writing through me to get it through to me and others.

I have been in love with one person in my life. The other person that I was "in love" with was ... just wrong. I remember one of the reasons I was first attracted to my first love (the real one), was because he was greatly involved in Church and God was a strong and important part of his life. I always admired him for knowing the Bible so well and knowing what God had in store for him.
Much has changed since then. That first love and I are currently not together and though we've had several extremely rough patches recently, we've both realized that this just isn't the right times in our lives and maybe we'll cross paths again and find that it is the right time for each other, as unfortunate as that is.
I wrote about a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends a while back when the first love and I were going through a rough patch. She said her and her boyfriend broke up mutually after realizing that they just couldn't be together for whatever reasons and that at time, she channeled all of her emotions and heartbreak into God, spending time with him rather than calling her now, ex-boyfriend. When she told me this, I didn't think it was possible. I've always been told that I am a person who likes security, which means always having someone there that I can call, or talk to, or cry to, or whatever (I always disagreed to this notion; now I realize how extremely true it is). I always thought that meant that I had to have a physical person there, but now I do realize that I can channel all of that love and devotion into something, rather someone, other than a boy: God.

I'm so proud to sit here and say that I am at the strongest point in my Christian life that I have ever been in. Everything feels so right and perfect and like it is something that is what God planned for me. I am so thankful for everything that has happened and I don't regret it one bit.
And I'm so happy to be so in love with God♥

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[me]
a small list
that i've compiled
that is me in a nutshell.
my identity.
I AM. a Christian.
I AM. a runner.
I AM. unable to be mean.
I AM. focused & determined.
I AM. a good friend.
I AM. going to be a doctor, a surgeon, specifically.
I AM. smart. (not too smart, just ... enough).
I AM. proud, but not cocky.
I AM. confident, but not cocky.
I AM. a Woodbury.
I AM. a napper : P
I AM. a listener.
I AM. a talker : )
I AM. like no one else.
I AM. me.

PK's sermon and other random tidbits.

I know this was a few weeks ago, but it's been a bit hectic since returning back to school. I've already had one exam, I have a paper that is due soon, another one that I haven't started yet, and as usual, an immense amount of homework that continues to pile up.
I went home for MLK weekend on Saturday night and had the wonderful pleasure of going to church back at home on Sunday where PK delivered an impeccable sermon titled "Heart Check: Jesus: a Model Heart." It was about the temptation of Jesus by the devil in the desert from Luke 3:21-4:15. Luckily for us, our wonderful Pastor creates an outline for us to follow along to dealing with the key points he wants us to remember. This consists of fill in the blanks that keep my mind from wandering, other than the occasional little doodles here and there around words and numbers.
This sermon was focused upon how Jesus' heart is perfect in every way possible, and even when he is faced with the greatest temptations of all times, he withstands them and holds his ground to prove that he can defeat Satan and save men from Satan's ways.
PK told us that Jesus "passed the heart test," that was placed before him and that we are to do the same. And then he outlines what we must do to pass the test:

1. We must know God's Word
   by knowing God's word, we can completely avoid the struggle of not being sure of what the Bible says. Rather than guessing on what it says, we can be certain of what we say and how we act and know what is expected of us. We can actually KNOW what we are supposed to do and carry it out.
   
2. We must trust and obey God's Word
   The Devil will try and persuade us that God is false, not trustworthy, wrong, and controlling. We need to TRUST God and all he does and says so that we can live more like Jesus and someday, live with Jesus in Heaven.
   
3. We must know ourselves
   If we do not know ourselves, then we cannot defend ourselves. We make ourselves vulnurable by not setting limits and knowing what we want and don't want in our lives. The Devil will take advantage of our vulnurability and use it against us, against God, and against others.
   
4. We must know the Devil and his schemes
   We must suspect and predict what he might say or do so that we can avoid these temptations and continue to live in a way God would want us to live.
   
5. We must live in the power of the Spirt
   This is something given to us by God to help us through times of trials and errors. By living in and remembering that we live in the Spirt, we can conquer all, just as Jesus did.
   
6. We must look to Jesus for a healthy heart
   He is the idea of perfect, the definition, the only example we have. By following his ways and looking up to him, we can strive to become more like him everyday, and for the rest of our lives.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (New International Version)
5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

PK is the bomb.

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& now for a small dose of randoms.

[randoms.

• I am horribly ill the flu right now. Being ill without a mom really sucks : (
  
• there's a new Pepto Bismol flavor (cough: I obviously haven't gotten out much). It's cherry and it's way better than the regular Pepto, in case you were wondering.
• THE OFFICE IS ON TONIGHT! : D
• ER IS ON TONIGHT! : D
• We play Notre Dame in hockey this weekend, I'm excited, but nervous.
• I got an entire jug of OJ from my RA from being sick... heck yeah!
• I slept a total of 13.5 hours last night/this morning/this afternoon.
• My room needs to be cleaned ASAP.
• I can't wait to eat normal food again.. yumm!
• I really wish sometimes that I was into cooking... but I'm not.
• THE OFFICE IS ON TONIGHT! : D
• ER IS ON TONIGHT! : D

... wow. can you tell what my week has consisted of?
Obviously, a countdown to The Office/ER.

When I grow up I wanna be...

I go to the University of Michigan.
I know, this somewhat qualifies me as a nerd. But I have reached full nerd status: I am in the Pre-Med Club. So the other day, I attend a meeting for Pre-Med Club.

Allow me to supply some background information.

I have had glasses since the age of three. My mother looked at me one day when I was watching tv and one eye was staring straight at tv and evidently, the other was gazing at my imaginary friend off to the left somewhere because it wasn't looking at the tv. It was then that I was mesmerized by a mechanical device called a phoroptor when I lost my eyedoctor visit virginity.

How sweet would it be to play with that thing all of the time (note: this is a three year old's perspective, though deep down, I would still have a great time twisting all of the dials and such). It was because of this beautiful, complex, and intriguing machine that I first decided to become an eye doctor. The only time this "dream job" ever changed was after the summer before first grade when I was first intoducted to ballet and then changed my career pathway as a first grader to become a professional ballet dancer. Didn't work out, obviously. That was the first and last time I took ballet. Bummer.

Off topic.

So this love of eyes thing has been ongoing since the age of three.
At this Pre-Med Club meeting, they brought in Residents that were going into surgery. There were three guys that came in, two whom were upper level seniors and one who was in his second year. One of the upper level seniors was an orthopedic surgeon (we'll name him Bob), the other upper level senior was a neurosurgeon (we'll name him Billy Jo 'cause I didn't like him much ... he was cocky). And the second year ... well I dunno what he was going into but we'll call him Jim. So Bob, Billy Jo, and Jim sat and discussed with us any questions we had pertaining to becoming a surgeon. Here is the breakdown...
The second year was inspiring because he went to Central for four years and slacked off, decided he wanted to go to med school, and got rejected by everyone he applied to. He went to admissions at Wayne State and asked what he had to do to get in and got his Masters and went to Wayne State's Med school.
The neurosurgeon, Billy Jo, went to UMich his whole college career and is naturally, at their hospital right now for residency. He said that his freshman year he had a really tough time getting good grades, but then he get into the swing of things and did fine and graduated with a 3.5. Bascially, there's hope for me : )
And then the orthopedic surgeon is married to a dermatologist. He didn't talk much about himself. More of about how his day goes. Go to the hospital at six, go to meetings 'til seven fifteen, eat as much as you can from seven fifteen to seven thirty, and then either make rounds or head to the OR until six or seven at night.

I am obsessed with ER and if I had the stomach, the brains, and the willpower to have no life for the rest of my life, I would consider becoming a trauma surgeon. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make it though, the whole arm hanging by a thread thing doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea.

Pretty much what I'm trying to get across here is that all I want to do is be an Opthamologist. I've officially decided to go over twelve more years of schooling to become an eye specialist and operate. I love working, obviously, or else I would not be taking the steps to become a workaholic. I really don't have an urge to bear children; getting married is another story. I would like to settle down and I'm willing to do so whenever God provides me with my husband, but I'm in no rush. After all, I'm going to school for the next eight years and then I get to be a resident for ... however long it takes.

Patience is a virtue.

i need something else. would someone please
just give me, hit me, knock me out
& let me go back to sleep.
i can laugh all i want, inside i'm still
empty.
so deep that it didn't even bleed
& catch me
i'll be just fine pretending i'm not.
i'm far from lonely and it's all that i've got.





i would never wish bad things but i don't wish you well.
could you tell by the flames that burned your words?
does it hurt?
to know i'll never be there?
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere.
it was you who chose to end it like you did.
you knew exactly what you would do.
don't say you simply lost your way.
never again.
Never

I've always been into fashion, though I may not always be able to afford to follow it, I would love to be able to. I would love even more if I could be in on all of it, the styling, the designing, and fitting rooms, the runway shows, that would be the ultimate. Perhaps it is pathetic that every Monday at 10:30, I lounge on my couch to glue my eyes to the tube and wish I was in the shoes of Lauren Conrad. Is it pathetic that I want so badly to prance around in heels, getting paid to dress women who eat like one in poverty yet still clothe themselves in outfits that cost more than my car? Is it pathetic that I want my life to consist of lavish dinner parties, going out on the weekends, wearing the latest Jimmy Choos, and toting the newest Chloe handbag? Is it bad that I want to attend the fashion shows where an eating disorder is proudly displayed and supported even though I wrote a twelve-page paper despising the very idea? Is it horrible that I just want to go to a school where I go to an art class, learn to accessorize, and how to sew?

I would say, yes.

I feel like it's almost a secret, guilty pleasure of mine, a secret in general perhaps. I would love to pursue it,
but,
I am a student at the University of Michigan. I want to become an eye doctor. I am going to med school. I can't afford to run away and try to make it in the fashion world. As much as I would like to, I can't. It's unrealistic.




ps. I love Sex and the City.



Maybe I'm not your perfect kind
Maybe I'm not what you had in mind
Maybe we're just killing time
You with your silky words
And your eyes of green and blue
You with your steel beliefs
That don't match anything you do
It was so much easier before you became you
No more playing seek and hide
No more long and wasted nights
Can't you make it easy on yourself
I know you wish you were strong
You wish you were never wrong
Well, I got some wishes of my own

You see every drink of liquor you take
kills a thousand brain cells.
Now that doesn't much matter
'cause we got billions more.
And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big.
And then the quiet cells go
so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all.
That'ok, that's ok
because the stupid cells go next,
so everything you say is real smart.
And finally, come the memory cells.
These are tough sons of bitches to kill.
the legend of bagger vance

sometimes you have to lose someone
just to realize how important to you they were
paraphrased from the curious case of benjamin button

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
behind these hazel eyes

list.

• start running. everyday.
• run a half marathon.
• start lifting/weight training again.
• get a 3.0 this semester.
• get involved with some sort of organization this semester.
• stay single.
• join a small group at church.
• get a tattoo.
• summer job.
• find a house/apt.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

New Years Past

I've never had much luck on new years. Since seventh grade, there has always been something not so great come out of the lovely, late night. Allow me to elaborate.

• 8th grade
  I stayed with Myr and Megan where their Detroit hood bf's came down and ended up fighting our friends. We did play strip poker ... ha. As in we got down to a tank top and jeans, so it was the most innocent strip poker there was... but just the same. I guess that was my rebel stage.
• 9th grade
  I stayed at Sa's house. Her brother drove us all around town to find us jolt so instead we got Mountain Dew Amp where we proceeded to pee excessively. Will came over because we were dating at the time and then we watched Children of the Corn- stupid movie. He went home and we got a call at four in the morning. We staged a break up after he went over to a friend's house whom I was fighting with (yay mature freshman). It eventually came out that he actually did screw around...
• 10th grade
  I was inbetween boyfriends and decided to hang out with David rather than Will or Kyle. They got drunk together and called at four am to tell me how David was a blankity-blank this and a blankity-blank that and that if I wanted to date one of them, they would be fine with it but otherwise, they would stop talking to me if I got with David.
• 11th grade
  I worked at the bar 'til nine. Just hosted and then left to go to a movie with David. We went and watched We Are Marshall if I remember correctly. On the way, my boot broke and so we had to go buy a new pair and then when the movie got out, we went over to one of his friend's house to watch the ball drop. We caught it with ten minutes remaining and then I had to be home by 12:15. My parents were fabulous.
• 12th grade
  I hung out with David. We started at my house I believe and jumped around for a bit and then ended up Brandi's. We got about a foot of snow and ended up getting snowed in. Mr. Rutan wouldn't let the boys leave so I spent my first 24 hours with David. We were snowed in until 5 in the evening on New Years Day and I got into a ton of trouble for being out for so long.
• This year
  Well... I worked at the bar until nine. I was so sick I could barely stand up. Iwent home, ate, showered, and brought the new year in, alone. Around 2 am, I got a "drunk text" from that special someone and then sorted that out. Around 5 am (I still hadn't gone to bed yet), I woke my mother up with a horrible ear ache that resulted in a cracked-out visit to the ER where they didn't give me meds. I went home and slept around 7 am and woke up around quarter after nine. I had breakfast, and then got my meds.
  

I just want one new years where I can sit with friends, someone I love, family, whatever. Get dressed up and have a good time without any catalysts to speed things up. I want to remember it, I want to remember it the next year and the year after. I want to get that new years kiss that I've never gotten. If I had my way, I'd wish for my husband to propose that day. But since I'm not dating 'til I'm looking for a husband, and I'm not looking for a husband until I graduate from UMich, and I don't graduate from UMich for another three and a half years (hopefully), I'm really counting on all of that happening within the next ten. : )








On a different note, I just wanted to make a list of things...

• I hate that this couldn't work.
• I hate that WE can't make this work.
• I hate that we had to give in.
• I hate that we don't understand.
• I hate that we refuse to understand.
• I hate that we have to throw away everything we once had.
• I hate that I can't wish you happiness because it hurts. Because I don't want you to be happy without me.
• I hate that I couldn't tell you that.
• I hate that you were intoxicated last night.
• I hate that we can't prove everyone wrong.
• I hate that everyone was right, as much as I don't want them to be...
  
• More of, I hate that we let everyone be right.
  
• I hate that this is how it has to be.
  
• I hate that we had to change "normal."
• I hate that we changed.
• I hate that I have to move on.
  
• I hate this.

...

"happy" new year.

This is addressed specificlly to you. Yeah, you.

You say that I don't drink so I don't know what it's like. You say it like you have so much more experience with alcohol than I do. You say it like you're better because you think this.. well if your experience is so great, and I'm just out of the loop without any experience, how come I've never changed my opinion? I may not know what it feels like to be buzzed, or hammered, or drunk, but do you know how it feels to have your grandmother sit and tell you how her alcoholic dad used to beat the living crap outta her at age nine because he was drunk? Do you know what its like to have a dad who can't go a day without a beer? Do you know what its like to have someone who "loves you" and whom you've known for two years force you to do something because they're drunk and they want to get it on? Do you know what it's like to have your friend be a half hour away from dying because her blood alcohol level is well beyond .08, only to then, a year later, take up drinking again? Do you know what its like to have parents who don't have the best job in the world because they didn't finish their education because they were more concerned with their drinlimg abities than their grades? Do you know what its like to watch your family fall apart because of drinking? Do you know what ALL of that is like?
And now, do you know what its like to watch someone you love give in to something they used to despise, and then choose that one thing over you?

I may not know what it feels like to be hammered, drunk, or buzzed, but I know that I know how all of those above things feel. I also know you know how some of it feels too with a bit of an alteration on a few...
but if you experienced every single one of those, and then worked where all you did was witness drunks waste their lives away, I'm sure you would feel quite strongly about it too.

happy new year, merry Christmas. This one will be one to remember.