Old stuff

I went digging through old things tonight and found several things. The first time he and I broke up, I used to write emails to him and then never send them. Perhaps it sounds pathetic but it was therapeutic. I went through and looked through them today, thought maybe that would be a bit healing to remember that I was once in the position I am in now and I got over it all. It did take a while and I do believe the circumstances were a bit different, but I know I am capable. It's just the doing it part. I do believe this time around though, it will be easier for me. I will be so busy in a week when I return to school and continue on with newly single life.
Some things I found on there I thought I would share...

Don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you where something different
That's when it all just fell apart
Like you're so perfect
And I can't measure up
Well I'm not perfect
Just all messed up
I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
It's not like I need somebody
Telling me where I should go at night
Don't worry you'll find somebody
Someone to tell how to live their life
[the veronicas - everything i'm not]

I remember when we used to write emails to each other all the time.
I remember when I used to send you letters to school all the time, even though half of them never got to you... & I really wish they would've.
I remember how we used to be crazy about each other, and it wasn't a problem, we were allowed to tell people and show it.
I remember we used to make people jealous.
I'm scared to death to go to school. I don't want to go away and leave you. I can't wait to get away from Hillsdale and leave everyone else behind, leave the drama and the people, and the small town atmosphere. But I don't want to leave you. I don't want to forget about you, I don't want anyone else, I don't want to "find better" or even look for better. I can't imagine anything happening with anyone but you. I don't want to kiss, touch, hug, love, get it on with anyone else. I don't want you to leave, I don't want to spend the night without you.
[unsent email]

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
[michelle branch - goodbye to you]

I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart
[pink - long way to happiness]



Okay so I guess they're mainly just lyrics and stuff. But still, just reading over them helped.
Also, while browsing through my gmail inbox, I found several other old old emails, obviously.



I love you baby and I NEVER want you to forget that(: Even when we're old and gray:D And when our kids are all grown up and they own eye company's and are producin music and .......well, you get the idea:P :D I love you gorgeous

YOUR superman,

David
[sept 18, 2008]

If I didn't have you I would be nothing. Because you bring out the best in me, and that's EXACTLY how it's supposed to be. You make me want to be better for you too(: Because it's hard to measure up to what I think that you need. And you NEVER cease to amaze me with how witty you are(: You're just the BEST in the whole wide fuckin world, and I couldn't ask for any better(: Thanks for being there for me Steph, it means everything to me(:

Yours forever,

David

P.S. I will always be your Superman
[sept 25, 2008]

Hey there... I just wanted to tell you that I hope we get back together by summer. 'Cause I think that when we get back together that'll solve a lot of our problems that we have right now. I mean, yeah there might still be problems when we get back together. What couple doesn't have problems? I just don't feel like we can be happy again until BOTH of us through our ALL into the relationship and try to make it work. I wanted to send this in an e-mail before I forgot how to word it. 'Cause that always happens to me when we're talkin on the phone:P Any ways, I'll ttyl tonight.
[apr 15, 2008]

And.... believe it or not, I still miss you. It won't go away. You don't understand. I can't lose you! You are the foundation of me. If you're gone I will crumble. And I just want it to be like it used to be. When I would say I miss you, and you would say I miss you too... And when I could say I love you knowing that you are IN LOVE with me too. I know that I screwed up, and I know that I need to do a lot to gain that trust back. I want to so bad... I want you so bad.

When I lay down at night, I lie down in regret

When I sleep at night, I dream that you'll forget

When I go through my day, I wonder what you're feeling

When I talk to you at night, I wonder if I'm appealing

When I come home, I hope with me you're revealing ;)

When I think of what I did to you, I get down kneeling

I wanta beg all day, beg that you'll forgive

'Cause every day you don't, that's one more day I don't live

I wanta be your man, your comfort, your getaway

From all the drama, the people, so in my arms you'll stay

If I get that grip again, I'll NEVER let go

No matter what happens, I will forever let you know

That you are my girl, and it was meant to be like this

Only me and you, so we could live a life of bliss
[apr 17, 2008]

But I've been thinkin about you a lot and I realized something... I won't be happy without you. You've brought me so much happiness in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you(: Well, I'd be nowhere prolly. I wouldn't have the ambition or the confidence that I have now if it wasn't for you challenging me with everything that I do. I just wanta let you know that I can't be without you. I really really hope that this is all over soon and me and you can be amazingly in love again. It makes me ashamed of myself to think for one second that I could be without you:( I'm so sorry Stephanie... I mean that with all my heart.
[may 2. 2008]

Perhaps these things are old so therefore they are not significant but ... I would argue that they are. And sorry if this offends anyone at all. It shouldn't because who reads this anyways?

Moving on.
Today Sarah and Mara and I met up at Somerset and just caught up. It was fantastic. Amy Luke dropped in and gave us some much needed advice. It was wonderful and I really miss going back there... It was definitely something I really needed.