- hypocrite.
- you'll read this.
- we could make it.
- liar.
- selfish
- regrets
This is just a list of reminders to discuss in this blog, in no particular order.
I thought we could make it.
I was told we could make it, not only by you, but by friends, family, and myself. I believed 100% that we could pull this off. I made it when you were ten hours away, what's a measly hour? Well that's the thing: I made it. I should've figured it out then, that you were never as strong as you appeared.
I am not writing this blog to rip on you. I'm not writing this blog to talk smack about you via internet. Who reads this anyways, other than you? And you read them on rare occasions. The only way this could be me talking bad about you is if the person reading it knew every detail to our entire story, which isn't in existence anymore. I'm writing this because this is my personal blog to write what I please. You chose to view this site, knowing I more than likely published something in relation to what recently occurred. So for you to be upset about this post is really quite out of order.
Continuing on...
___________________________________________________________________
hyp⋅o⋅crite
[hip-uh-krit]
ə
–noun
- a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
- a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
This is the main point of my post. One thing you have stated about me is that I am flawed in the sense that I cannot admit my flaws. I would say this is false. I may not admit all of my flaws but I do admit some of the larger ones. For example, I have a difficult time admitting I am wrong (ha). I am a hypocrite. I am often selfish about things such as my future or my career. But what is funny is that I was accused of all of the above and yet you are the same way. I was accused and blamed for issues that we had because of these problems that I had ... but wait, you had them too.
You always said I was selfish and you gave all you had, 100% into our relationship. Who is being selfish? You said so many times all you wanted me to do was admit my feelings, tell you I needed you, wanted you, missed you; I do this and instead of being "rewarded" so to speak, you break up with me. And the reason? "To be alone." If this is not selfish, I don't know what is.
What really bothers me is the lying...
I never lied about anything. Everything I ever said I fully meant. Something I realized is that even over the summer when things were really bad, I really wanted us to work deep down, I was just unwilling to allow it to happen for fear of all of this happening again. And look where it got me... What gets me is what you said and what you actually meant. How much was real? How much did you really mean? What were you expecting out of all of this?
I guess what I mean to say is that I really really really really really dislike you super greatly right now (because hate is too strong and don't like is no where near strong enough). I don't want to accept this, I don't want it to be like this. I want you to come back and say, "Wow, I was a real dick for pulling this on you and I'm so sorry and will you please forgive me and come back to me." But at the same time, if that were to happen, I would want to slap you across the face and exchange a few choice words along with a stiff, cold shoulder.
One thing that is perhaps cocky, rude, or way out of line of me to say is that you're going to regret this. Someday I hope you realize that you made a mistake. I am going somewhere, I am going to be something and make something of my life... and I wanted you to be a part of it. I wanted you to come with me, to be with me throughout it, to help me through it. But you don't want to, so you aren't going to. And someday, you'll get it. You'll hear about me and I'll be long gone...
That was extremely cocky.
But I don't care.
Sort of like you...
Oh yeah, ps.
Merry Christmas.
it really wasn't what I would call merry though..
But Happy Birthday Jesus : )
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