My outlook on life is a bit different than other's. Many people see black and white, yes or no, no maybe's, ifs, ands, or buts. My problem is exactly that; that's all I see are those ifs, ands, and buts (and other forms of butts too ; ) ). I am all about that gray area. And it tends to get me into trouble most days.
I guess something I'm going to talk about is what is going on in my head right now. This is completely directed towards you and I will not bring any of this up until you bring it to my attention. As we've both stated before, whenever we talk, we lose our train of thought. We dont remember what we were planning on saying because we lose focus and get distracted. So I'm going to put it all out on here.
Welcome to my life, everyone 'cause you just got to step in on what is a pretty hefty portion of it.
I was crazy, head over heels, madly, deeply, ridiculously, would die for you, in love for two years straight. Okay, yes we are counting those first few months when you muttered those three words and I sat ... for nine months ... and hoped it would come along. And it did, and it was beautiful and I loved every second of it. I had never felt so on top of the world that next year and three months. Even though you were away at school, it was amazing. We had our ups and downs but we always got over them. I was never worried because I thought we would never break up, regardless of any situation.
Wrong.
So that hit like a ton of bricks. I had never felt so powerless, so helpless. I realized how much I did take for granted and vowed that I wouldn't be walked on again. Those weeks were some of the most difficult weeks to roll out of bed and care about what was going on around me. Whatever, I picked myself up, I moved on, to a certain extent. I had overcome my fears and realized that this was how it was to be, only to be hit once again with your return. You'd made a mistake, you'd never really wanted that, you wanted us. So I had to find a way to dig deeper and past all of the bitterness and be open to you again.
That still wasn't good enough.
Since then, you've returned home. There used to be those few moments where for just a fleeting second or two, things had returned to what used to be "normal." I was in your arms, or you said just the right thing to remind me of our two years together. We diminished to "just friends" which I took as another break up. I didn't like not having control; in the past when you had control, I was forced to sit back and watch. I couldn't change your mind and I didn't want it to come down to that; I didn't want to lose you, and having you take things into your hand and once again, degrading us to "friends" was allowing you to do just that.
But that was not the end.
Next, it came down to us, or nothing. I guess I chose nothing?
You were such an important influence in my life.
That was from a few days ago. So now I'm just going to kind of wrap it up and comment on how I feel.
I suppose this is for the better. It does make sense, I suppose I just didn't want a set outcome. I wanted things to just be up in the air, 'cause really, I'm game for anything. I think setting a more pessimistic goal is going to do nothing but cause us to not be as good as friends.
Perhaps I'll be proven wrong.
Second post of the night... though it's about three or four days old in all honesty.
Whatev.
No comments:
Post a Comment