regrets.

I feel like I am having a blogger's block (try saying that five times fast...)

Growing up is tough. and I have really learned that lately. It really makes me appreciate the small thing in life, especially as a child. I remember waking up early on summer mornings to go out and ride my big wheel up and down the driveway, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. At 7, that really was the highlight of my day. The summer breeze blowing in my face, the sweet noise the wheels made against the pavement, and wheeling around to go back up the driveway since I wasn't allowed to go past the first neighbor's house really made me feel like a BA seven year old (I felt even cooler when it was extended to the SECOND neighbor's house...). At seven, I never thought I would look back at those moments and really treasure them.
I was always encouraged throughout all of my schooling to continue it. If there was one thing pounded into my head, it was college. College was never considered optional in my family, and I now understand and know that it is because my parents have experienced what it is like to go through life without a degree, without a college education and they understand how tough it is nowadays. I don't blame them for pushing me, and I definitely appreciate the gesture. I honestly believe that it has made me the determined, focused person that I am today.
Something that I have noticed is how unsure of myself I have become lately. If there is one word that can describe me, independent is it. I have never really leaned on other people for opinions, advice, or a shoulder to cry on. I have always referred to myself as a tough "muffin" - tough on the outside, soft on the inside, and I do think that sums my personality up. I am not emotional, I don't depend on others, I am content in going through things alone. One example: I never wanted to get married. I have always felt that marriage was something that was no longer plausible. With all the negatives that are attached to love, marriage, commitment, loyalty, all of the things involved IN an actual marriage, I shuttered to think that those things were really real. A healthy marriage just isn't that common any longer, unfortunately, and I had always planned on having a long term boyfriend whom I never married, but would jet set all over the world with after I became a wealthy surgeon. Obviously, that thought has since left my mind and now it is the one thing I am sure of.
The one thing I am sure of.
For as long as I can remember, I have had an interest in eyes and eye doctors. I got glasses at the young age of three and have been in and out of the eye doctor's office numerous times for patches, glasses repair, or contact check ups. I decided to become an eye doctor, thinking that I could then fix my own eyes and help others do the same... as well as play with all of the cool do-hickeys that are involved with all that . . . stuff : P I did science fair projects on vision and eyes, I loved when we disected the sheep's eye in second grade, and I bought a 3-d model of an eye at a book fair in elementary school. It became almost, a second nature. I never questioned any of it and never developed a backup.
It wasn't until I met Jeff that I considered a back up- specifically, the beginning of sophomore year. I remember one night, calling a few people and having my first meltdown about growing up for that year. At the end of freshman year, I had the intention of flying out the California for "vacation" and checking out fashion schools. I really considered dropping out of Michigan to go into fashion... Something, rather, someone came up and that never happened. But I often wish I would have sucked it up and looked into it.
I don't believe in regrets with one inch of myself. I believe every single little thing that happens happens for a reason. God has a plan, and everything is to fall into place as he maps it long before I ever know about it. For that reason, I know that the mistakes I have made, the rewards I have reaped, the benefits I have racked up or tossed aside are exactly what has made me who I am today. But there have been two things I have always somewhat considered "regrets" when asked that question.. One of them is no longer a regret because, as stated before, everything that happens, happens for a reason : ) the other still haunts me.
It's not that I don't think I can do the doctor route, because I think you can do anything you set your mind to. It isn't that I don't really WANT to do it, per-say. I'm finally learning how hard it is truly going to be. And I get so sick of people telling me, "oh, it'll pay off in the long run." Yeah, no kidding the l o n g run. I have to go to school for another four years after undergrad in college. Then I have to apply for a residency and go into learning at a hospital. and THEN I get to get a job and work like crazy until I'm 60 something. and for once in my life, I am actually questioning whether or not this will make me happy.
One of the reasons I never backed out of Michigan, honestly, was the letdown I would allow for all of my family. Who the heck drops out of the University of Michigan to go into fashion??? I was handed such an amazing opportunity to study at a prestigious university with a sophisticated name that is known around the world. Why would I give that up? On top of that, the entire no money, no networking, no celebrity hook-ups also factored in.

Now... I wish I would have looked into it more...
I want to spend the rest of my life with the person I love and doing what I love.
and I am no longer 100% sure that carving out someone's eye with a laser is really what I want to do, or if I have always considered it what I "wanted" to do because it would be comfortable, convenient, and benefitting.
and I feel like it's far too late to try to change it.