If you don't know me well, I am a bit stubborn and private, and stubborn about being private. I don't dish out feelings openly, I don't confront people on issues I may have, I am quite introverted when it comes to feelings.
I am someone who is fantastic at blocking out things that probably should not be blocked out. I have done it for years and so far, it has worked quite well for me. I have eliminated things, people, habits, that should not have ever been present in my life. Yes, I am sure I hurt those things, people, etc. that I blocked out, but they were hurting me in the first place.
I suppose this is the reason I can't exactly determine what it is that is really softening my heart. And honestly, that is what is going on.
I sit here with an Italian exam in approximately eight and a half hours and I have no urge whatsoever to look over any of it. I'm too distracted.
So rather than fret, cram, or just sit and ponder at the thoughts, wonders, and mysterious questions tugging at my heart, I think I'll just write a little note to my good friend, God : )
Dear God,
Thanks so much for this lovely day You've provided, I'm so thankful to be living another day in the amazing world You created, Yourself. I am so thankful for everything that I have been provided with from You- my family, my friends, my boyfriend, the roof over my head, the food on my table, the clothes upon my back, the heat within my room. It's a never-ending list and You know its entirety, just as You know me entirely.
I want to tell You that I am trying so hard to allow myself to be molded into whatever it is that You make of me. I want nothing more than to love You, please You, and honor You in all of Your glory. I feel as though, sometimes, this is nowhere near enough for You. I wish I could give You at least half of what You've given me, but I know I can never realistically reach this. I could strive to be all I ever wanted to be, all You have ever wanted me to be, and I would still fall short of Your glory and magnificence.
I am human. I will always be human. I will always sin, fall short, and need and ask for forgiveness. I make more mistakes than I am given freebies for, and I am embarrassed, saddened, and ashamed that I allow myself to continue to make these mistakes. I look at it as learning exactly who I want to be, who YOU want me to be, who I am meant to be. I feel I cannot express how sinful I am, how completely unworthy I am to present myself and my thoughts and feelings to You and ask You for forgiveness for the things I have done wrong.
But that is the beauty of You.
A God who loves me for who I am, for who I choose to be regardless of who You want me to be, who loves ME from the inside out (thank you Hillsong). That entire song, that is how You love me, why can I not return that love? It isn't that I don't love You, it's that I don't love You enough, I don't love You as You love me. If love is 50/50, then why am I pulling a .01/99.99 love relationship here? I am washed in the fountain, cleansed by Your blood. I have been given an irreplaceable gift by the most loving being every known to man. Your love is what has allowed me to exist.
I miss the fulfillment You brought to me after Colorado 2005, after every return to Somerset. It was such an accomplished, strong, and invincible.
I want nothing more than to allow You to work in me, through me, with me throughout the remaining years, months, days, hours, minutes of my life. I want to live for You, surrounded by You, simply engulfed in You.
Most of all, thank You for sending Your son to die for me, a mere human, a sinner, a lost soul that can be found and led back to You. I cannot describe how thankful I am for Your everlasting love, your merciless love, your never ending love. I am forever in debt to You and I hope, pray, wish, desire to fulfill whatever it is You will have me for in the same ways that You have filled my heart.
There's so much more to this, so much more to be said and thought about but I cannot put these feelings into words. You know my heart, You know . . . everything.
I love You, and I hope to someday love You in ways that You have loved me. I want to love You as You have loved me, and to love others in that same way.
Love,
Stephanie
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